Our inner angels and how they trick us during a breakup

[luckystar]

Our Angels are simply my word for our subconscious mind , our inner voices. And they can be very damaging! They evoke and arouse feelings of pride, glory, fear, greed, lust, and need. We all have a subconscious, a 'nether' side, a hidden voice that controls and interferes with everything we do. I call them our Angels. Our Angels have been with us since birth. Like a guardian Angel they only intend to look out for our well-being. They love us so much. Their only job, their only reason for being is to make sure we are safe and unharmed. Every uncomfortable feeling or emotion we have ever felt, our Angels store in their "feeling data-base". When a new experience, situation, or event happens to us, they quickly scan their memory data-base looking for a similar situation and then relate those emotions back to you, they remind you how it went wrong before hoping to spare you getting hurt, or being embarrassed, again. If they can't come up with a similar situation then they will use any situation that is even remotely the same. Our Angels really do have good intentions..they love us, and they only want to spare us from pain, danger, embarrassment, or hurt––but because Angels are purely emotional beings they lack the ability to think, reason, or rationalize. They are completely illogical. I often refer to them as our Angels. You may call it your subconscious, your inner child, your emotional self––anything you want. But I call it my Angel, because she really is just a well-intentioned Angel that loves me very much and is only looking out for me, in her well-meaning way. Her intentions are basically good.

 

Your Angel lives in constant terror of "making a fool out of herself".

 

To better hear and understand my own inner voice I have created a name for her. My Angel's name is Emily, and Emily isn't such an Angel sometimes! Sometimes she's a nasty, little, subconscious demon that follows me around sending me messages like, "you're unlovable. You're not capable of that. You're going to fail. Why would they hire you? Nobody wants you–you're hopeless. You're too stupid to figure that out. Nobody will ever stay with you. You're worthless." Oh argh! But I really have to embrace her because each one of her fears are based on a painful, or a series of painful events in my past life, and not on actual fact. If you really want to think about it–our Angels are actually big, emotional chickens! They fear everything! That's what the Angel is made of––fear. Fear that you will get hurt, embarrassed, or rejected. Fear that you will be alone, left to look undesirable, unlovable, or a failure. They really are just looking out for your well-being, and to do this they must warn you and remind you of every bad thing you have ever felt or experienced–so you will never make that same mistake again! They try to instill fear and remind you of failure at every turn. And because those fearful Angels can be sneaky you may not even know they're there until you hear a certain word, such as somebody saying you're "dumb", and that word hurts. That's because your loving, well-meaning Angel is telling you that you are dumb. Your conscious mind may know you're not dumb but it isn't as loud as the Angel and thereforeeee unable to distinguish between what is true and what is your Angel (fear is irrational and screams, logic has more class and is quieter). Your Angel is really just a fearful little creature that is saying "what if you are dumb? Then you will look like an idiot in front of everybody–they will see how dumb you really are–and you will be embarrassed."

 

Sometimes–when we get really attached to somebody–the attraction may be based on a simple, let unacknowledged fact––they quiet those little Angels in us! They soothe our fears. They make us feel like we're not dumb simply by displaying confidence in us–that's because another person's conscious mind can't hear our Angels. We say to ourselves, "well if this guy–who I think is the smartest man in the world–has confidence in me then I must not be that dumb after all!" So we no longer feel dumb. He has soothed our inner issues. Taken away our hidden fear. This is False Love. So then what happened? Sadly the relationship is reaching an end, and we instantly and falsely believe that we need our Lost Mates. Why? Because the fear of losing them represents having to face all those issues that they soothed and made disappear for awhile. All the fears return. And the fear of having to face these issues if our Lost Mate leaves us, makes us think we need them far more than we actually do. For instance, the thought of losing our mates makes us feel 'dumb' again, and we don't want to feel 'dumb' so we create this false sense of need for our Lost Mates, in order to not feel 'dumb'..

 

Your Angels continuously rate you as a human being, and since they cannot consciously communicate with other's inner angels they judge you by others outward acceptance or rejection of you.~Tigress

 

Okay, so now our little Angels are having a devil-size field day with our emotions. What happens? Our conscious minds–the part of us that knows we're not dumb–says in its weak little frail voice, "no, I'm not dumb." But the fearful Angel is the loudest of all voices and she shouts back, "YES YOU ARE!" (Remember–fear is irrational and screams, logic has more class and is quieter!) Our conscious mind begins to feel even more meek, more intimidated, but again it tries to argue and says in a smaller, cracking voice, "no, I am not dumb." "YES YOU ARE!!!" And, a simple - yet unknown - fact of life is this: the more you try to convince yourself of something, the more you will believe just the opposite (the subject and logic behind this book - we usually will create the opposite of what we set out to do! If you set out to try to gain someone you may lose them, but if you set out to let them go, you may just gain them. If you set out to feel one way you may feel just the opposite. For example, the more you try to fall out of love with someone the stronger your love for them will be!) The more you try to rationalize that you are not dumb - the more you will feel nothing but dumb. Your subconscious mind–your Angel–is louder than your rational, logic conscious mind. Remember–fear is irrational and screams, logic has more class and is quieter! So, the more you try to convince yourself you don't need your mate, the more you might feel like you do!

 

These fearful, loving, well-intentioned Angels (these issues), are really your enemy. They sabotage your feeling freedom from need. They keep you attached to your partner. Longing for them. Stuck in the need. These Angels can be a very powerful enemy, and we already know we can't come to battle with them and win, because they are louder than us. Remember? So how do you win a battle against such a powerful army? How can you find peace with such a strong adversary? How do you do that? Well, we know what isn't working. Fighting them isn't working–they're stronger than us (fear is the most powerful thing in the world). So how do you win a battle against such a powerful foe? Easy! You have two very powerful allies that the Angel doesn't. You have both intelligence and wit. You outsmart them. How? Well as pointed out before, these Angels are not very smart. Fear is stupid. It has no logic. It has no reason. It hasn't the ability to rationalize. It's like a scared kitten. Helpless, it relies on only one defense–offense. Have you ever seen a small kitten that is just a couple days old? It's very fragile, very helpless, completely without defense. Very small. You could crush it to death in one powerful close of your hand around its tiny, fragile, little body. Yet, if you pick that kitten up it will scream very loudly, rapidly, and repeatedly–to the point where it might shake you up and unnerve you enough to put it right back down immediately. And that is our Angel's only defense too. Just like the kitten, our fears only defense is offensiveness. Fear is loud, it shouts above the rest. "Hear me, I am boss! I rule!" Angels are bullies that depend on their offensiveness to win. They are louder than your conscious mind, they have to be. How else can they survive? So, what quiets them to the point where they shut up, never to be heard from again? How do you sooth their savage cry. Well, as pointed elsewhere in this book - you let them win! You silence their screams by the intent to learn where they are coming from, and, most importantly, by agreeing with them. Tell them they are right. You kill their need to win, their need to battle, their need to be right by allowing them to win! Like I said, those Angels are loud but they're not very smart. You are smarter than them. What's the quickest way to stop an argument? By constantly fighting against the other's point? By continuing to oppose the other's side and impose yours, hoping to eventually win where the other side gives in and relents out of pure exhaustion? No! What's the quickest, most direct way to win any argument? Agree with the enemy! It doesn't matter if you really know that they're not right! Just by telling them, "you're right" the argument ceases to exist. It's over. The battle is finished. And it's even easier to do that when you try to understand their point of view. You don't have to agree with it, just try to understand why they have it. Have compassion, maybe even feel pity for them for their sadly learned–yet ignorant–beliefs. Show them kindness.

 

As an example let's say you are a woman and you ask your mate if he would do the dinner dishes.

 

"No," he replies adamantly, "you should do the dishes–it is a woman's job to do the dishes."

 

"No it's not," you answer him, feeling unvalidated and intimidated.

 

"Yes it is," he says back to you loudly, this time with more determination in his voice.

 

"The hell it is...," you say.

 

And before you know it a fight has ensued! His deep, powerful, masculine voice overpowering yours and making you feel meek and bullied. Now, let's approach that same scenario, but on a different level.

 

He replies to your request by saying, "No. You should do the dishes–it is a woman's job to do the dishes."

 

Now stop for a minute and ask yourself why does he feel it's a woman's job to do the dishes? Perhaps it was something that was taught to him as a child? Is he wrong? No–because to him it is a woman's job to do the dishes. After all, that's how he was taught–that's how he was raised. So, do you see how you can say to yourself that he is right by his own way of thinking and learned values, but that he isn't necessarily right by truth and fact? So what's the quickest way to end that argument? By saying to him, "yes, you're right, perhaps it is. But tonight I'm really, really tired and if you would help me by doing the dishes I would so appreciate it."

 

It doesn't matter that in your mind you know his beliefs are wrong, or ignorant, because–in truth–you have won. The battle has ended. He felt understood and heard and no longer felt the need to shout or bully. And you got the dishes done! Who was the winner here? You were. Who was the loser? He was.

 

"The true and nobel way to kill a foe is not to kill him.

You, with kindness, may so change him,

that he shall cease to be so, and then he's slain."

––Alain

 

"We shall find peace. We shall hear the Angels, we shall see the sky

sparkling with diamonds."~~Anton Chekhov

 

So what do we do now? First we find and identify what issues, what Angels, your Lost Mate soothes. Read the list below. For each issue that causes you pain, or hurt, at the thought of losing your mate, or after the actual loss of your mate, circle it. These are the Angels that your relationship quiets, that your Lost Mate soothes in you. These are the issues that resurface in you at the thought of a breakup, which are causing you a false sense of need, and that which are now causing you pain and delaying your ability to let go of the need. IMPORTANT: 'Resurface' is the key word here. If you feel an issue now, such as "devastated", but that you didn't feel before you got into the relationship, than that is more just an issue caused by the grief of the trying times you have been through lately, and less likely an issue that you have been carrying around with you.

 

unlovable

isolated

unacceptable

defective

frigid

weak

immature

helpless

needy

foolish

clingy

rejected

not wanted

haven't any friends

not needed

no future

not worth loving

uptight

worthless

socially detached

no good

disorganized

wimpy

abandoned

cowardly

lonely

discounted

irresponsible

unstable, neurotic, screwed up

just like your parents

left out

unreliable

shut out

lazy

self-centered

inconsiderate

selfish

not good enough, less than

afraid

don't measure up

humiliated

not enough

criticized

not good enough to be loved

put down

have no value, a nobody

judged

inadequate

losing face

violated

useless

weak

incapable,can't cut it

out of control

wrong

stupid, dumb

incompetent

something is wrong with you

unsuccessful

can't do anything right

unfeminine / unmasculine

inferior

insignificant

despairing

a nothing

vulnerable

unimportant

devastated

don't count

disappointed

don't matter

insecure

off balance, incomplete

a loser

ugly

a failure

dishonest

bad

wrong

evil

heartless

fat

a slut

insufficient

 

 

 

 

For each issue you have circled try to understand it, as the wife did with the husband who thought it was a woman's job to do the dishes. Don't argue with the Angel, remember those fearful, loving Angels are loud, they are looking out for you at all costs–even your own. But you can hush their screams with the intent to learn where they are coming from. And you can win by agreeing with your Angel. It doesn't matter whether, or not, your Angel is right (remember who won the argument about the dishes?). Just by trying to understand where she is coming from, what motivates her fear, and by agreeing that your Angel is right, in her own way–her learned belief–you win the battle!

 

See, you don't need your Lost Mate to fight your Angel. You have the power within you to fight this scared, child-like, well-meaning Angel. You are smarter and more cunning–you can outsmart the Angel all by yourself! All it takes is the intent to learn her reasons and her fears, and the ability to agree with her–validate that she is right.

[QTpie87]

im lost. im sorry it's just i can't keep up with a post for that long. i just end up getting mixed up in all the words, could you sum that up for me in a shorter version?

love Qtpie87

[bdub]

Mostly what that post is talking about is approaching relationships with empathy. Empathy is knowing that you do not completely understand the feelings of others. That while you feel that you are right about a topic, and that is why you believe what you do, that the other person has feelings that they believe in also. So for them, they are right. Nobody argues a position that they know is untrue.

 

Empathy seeks to understand the feelings of the other person in a conversation. First you have to realize that you don't understand, and that you probably never will fully grasp the complexity and uniqueness of the feelings of another person. But empathy tries to understand.

 

One of the best ways to defuse a conflict is to try to stand in the other person's shoes for awhile. Try to get understand their feelings and why they feel the way they do. Don't judge them or try to protect yourself. Just agree with the idea that they have feelings and that they are just as valid as any other feelings, even if they are different from yours.

 

Does that make a little more sense?

 

Best Wishes,

bdub