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I don't want to date him

ElasticMagnetic

By ElasticMagnetic
in Dating Advice

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ElasticMagnetic Contributor

ElasticMagnetic

Posted
Posted

Okay, so I've been talking to this guy a lot for that past few weeks (texting, online, etc) and I can tell that he likes me more than a friend. He's the kind of guy that loves being in a relationship, and since he was talking to me so much before he broke up with his ex, he must have picked me to be 'the next one'.

 

Now don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy and definitely not ugly, but I don't want to date him for multiple reasons. One, he's not my type, and never will be. Two, I just got out of a REALLY bad abusive relationship that has definatly scarred me, and I am not ready to just jump back into another one.

 

I'm afraid that I'm going to have to voice this to him, and I don't want to embarrass him or hurt his feelings. I still want to remain his friend, but I just can't date him!

 

What am I going to do? ](*,)

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

Posted
Posted

well, either directly turn him down if he direclty asks you out (the hardest but usually the noblest ways)

 

Or

 

Ignore him till he picks a "new new one"

 

Or

 

Maybe lie down hints that you aren't ready for a relationship

 

"this guy has been hitting on me at work, but I am just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I'm getting out of an abusive relationship and I just don't need guys hitting on me like that. Ya know?"

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ghost69 Mentor

ghost69

Posted
Posted
I read it as she doesn't want to be in a relationship. But just going out and having fun with someone with the occational O isn't a relationship. It's just having fun.

 

where did you find she is getting an occasional O from this guy? i doubt she will sleep with him.

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Steve 7745 Contributor

Steve 7745

Posted
Posted

I unfortunately have spent time in my youth chasing girls who were not interested in me as more then just friends. They loved having me as a friend, but would not let themselves get involved.

 

I learned from the best.

 

Try to disappear and lie low until he goes after another girl. Always, always give a respectable reason why you can't see or chat right then and there, like, "Hey! I'm at work, catch up later," or, "I'm on a date! Talk to you later!"

 

When his responses start to dwindle, check how he's doing to see if he's finally after someone else and keep some warmth in the friendship. If he responds by chasing you again, go back to being busy like crazy.

 

Finally, avoid being in any situation where the two of you are alone. If he invites you somewhere, bring a friend or two or invite him to events with lots of other people and never let yourself be alone with him. If you see yourself being maneuvered into a situation alone with him, get out of it.

 

Once I invited a girl I was crazy for to lunch and she shocked the crap out of me by inviting my roommate along without informing me. I later found out that this was a very, very intentional move when my roommate teased her, "Sounds like a sexy time."

 

She said, "But I don't want it to be a sexy time! Please come with us."

 

Cheap, I know. But time apart will send his interest elsewhere.

 

OH!! And one more thing. If he's obsessed over you, whatever you do, try to avoid doing anything like dating his best friend or roommate. It may seem like a tempting "defense" maneuver (especially if the same best friend protects you from him), but this is going to set him off.

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Steve 7745 Contributor

Steve 7745

Posted
Posted

I hate it though when guys don't want to be friends... after u make it clear ur not interested in that way....

 

I hope these guys chill out and still want to be my friend in the end.

 

Hate to say abigail, but on a personal level, I would not want to be friends with someone if I'm interested in them romantically and would rather just take the axe. Otherwise I expend energy and time on someone who won't return how I feel and I have to deny emotions of hope, a very uncomfortable feeling. What was it? "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth," someone quoted Benjamin Disraeli I believe.

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Cognitive_Canine Enthusiast

Cognitive_Canine

Posted
Posted
Hate to say abigail, but on a personal level, I would not want to be friends with someone if I'm interested in them romantically and would rather just take the axe. Otherwise I expend energy and time on someone who won't return how I feel and I have to deny emotions of hope, a very uncomfortable feeling. What was it? "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth," someone quoted Benjamin Disraeli I believe.

 

I think it'd be terrible to see the person that denied you on a regular basis. The crush is still there after the denial and it seems like it'd be a pretty bitter friendship because the guy deeply wants more. That's a hard pill to shallow.

 

I respect guys who walk away from that situation rather than linger and hope that you'll change your mind.

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allypally Enthusiast

allypally

Posted
Posted

How would the above threads relate to when there are still exes on the scene?? My bf is still friends with an ex. They were friends for 3 yrs before they dated, the relationship lasted 9 months, and for whatever reason it didn't work out, they are still friends now. He wants me to meet at some point as he thinks we'll get on well.

 

BTW she is married with a child.

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Steve 7745 Contributor

Steve 7745

Posted
Posted
How would the above threads relate to when there are still exes on the scene?? My bf is still friends with an ex. They were friends for 3 yrs before they dated, the relationship lasted 9 months, and for whatever reason it didn't work out, they are still friends now. He wants me to meet at some point as he thinks we'll get on well.

 

BTW she is married with a child.

 

I haven't much experience in this area, allypally. In all my former girlfriends except the latest, their exs typically disappear and are never seen again.

 

My first one saw a guy in her weakness after I rejected her for a relationship at first (I was young and new at this). Afterwards, she blocked this guy from her life because he would come back looking for more action. After she and I broke up, she saw one of my best friends for three weeks, before he ended the relationship by completely disappearing. After that, she tried to be friends with me, but complained bitterly when I flirted with other girls (I'd say she wasn't over me.)

 

The second girlfriend had two exs, both of which disappeared, the latter under very ugly circumstances.

 

The third girlfriend had an ex-husband she didn't talk to and saw rarely because of family connections. She also had a former fling with a doctor who continued to email her after their relationship although she never emailed him back. This was proven to me beyond the shadow of a doubt when she gave me permission to look through her old emails during a spontaneous and unexpected visit. Weird, I know. But it was enough for me to believe her.

 

The fourth and latest one, however, said she was "still good friends" with her longest going ex. I neither met the guy as he lived in some other city, nor was he ever mentioned again.

 

As a rule of thumb, I try to remove most of my exs from my life. It helps me heal, plus it rules out the possibility of being a turn off for a new person to enter my life. I just feel I have more to lose than to gain by having an ex as a friend.

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