please, someone, i don't know what to do, or to say.please!

[QTpie87]

well,

as some know i have wanted my ex back for a long time. well i realize that i treated him not so well for a while. well we both did that but that is beside the point right now. you see he asked out another girl. well i think it is just rebound. we loved eachother so much. we gave eachother things that we can never give anyone else now. well i know that he still loves me. i still love him. he is afraid of being hurt again, i know that, i am too. well we talked today and i think i got somewhere with him. im talking to him tomorrow also. today i tried to explain how much i love him and how i treated him was the biggest mistake i will ever make and how i will never be able to love anyone the same again. well, it didn't happen. I just cried. it is so hard to express those feelings. how can i do that. i don't want to write him a note. i want to tell him how i feel about him, and see if that makes a difference and if we can start over. i just don't know how to express myself. i love him so much. I am lost without him and now i realize what i lost. i think that he might come back. but even if he doesn't i want him to know my feelings. i want to epress them so strongly that he wont have to question it. how?

well im really looking for some help. this is my first time loving anyone this much and it hurts to even feel it. please help.

thankyou all,

love Qtpie87

[avman]

Well QTpie, this may be difficult for you to hear. But I will try to help you on this one.

 

You see, you cannot MAKE someone love you. You cannot MAKE them not question you. You cannot MAKE them take you back.

 

I'm sorry to say this because I know it hurts you very much. I am glad you have learned some things about yourself from this. And I have no doubt that this will help you a lot with your future relationships. But I just don't know if its going to help you with this one.

 

But, I'll try to get you started anyway.

 

You can try to tell him what you've learned. You are going to have to keep your emotions under control though otherwise he is never going to get the message. How about practicing what you are going to say with your best friend. Or even better, how about grabbing a guy friend that you trust and practicing with him. He may be able to give you some tips on what makes sense and what doesn't. I agree with you that a note isn't a good idea. This has to be done in person.

 

Don't talk about getting back together. Just tell him what you've learned. Admit that you mistreated him. Tell him you still care about him (but don't BEG him to come back). Tell him when you were out last weekend that you had a good time, but still remember the good times with him.

 

Then, let him speak. Don't plead with him to take you back. Don't break down into a puddle. You don't want to lay a guilt trip on him because he won't like that. It will make him LESS likely to get back with you. Just let him share his feelings too. He needs to say whats on his mind.

 

You cannot force him not to question your feelings. You can only be yourself and just let him see the real you. The rest has to be up to him. Love is a two way street. It has to exist on both sides for the relationship to work. And you can only do your part. He has to do his...

 

I hope this helps.

[The Morrigan]

avman is right - trying to come accross like you're pushing the issue will push him away.

 

Now that you're thinking a bit more clearly, think about anything that he said that attracted him to you in the very beginning of your relationship. How did you act towards him initially? What were the personality things he found made you stand out as someone he wanted to date? Remind yourself that except for learning from the trouble you had - you're still that person. Let him see you THAT way, instead of the way he's seen you recently. Showing someone you've learned, grown, and changed, but still have those qualities, is much more effective than any words you can use.

 

Don't try to aim for him feeling badly - guilty bad feelings associated with you will make him less comfortable about being around you, and you want desire, not pity.

 

If you feel you have to talk to him about yout feelings, make very sure it's not going to come accross as pleading with him, or putting him in a position he feels he's having to choose anything at all. Ever do something you're not certain you should've? Then you know how being pressed to admit it makes you even MORE determined to prove you were right, instead of really think and consider.

 

This isn't a "perfectly appropriate" link since it's about divorce stopping, but it should give you a deeper explanation of why trying to talk can have the opposite effect you're hoping for.

 

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Read through it, and see if it helps you understand why he may have acted in some of the ways he has, and see what you can gain from that.

 

Good Luck!

[Frodo Baggins]

av and Morrigan are right, you can't MAKE him love you, and you can't MAKE him not question you. The best you can do is be yourself, that is what he fell in love with in the first place. He knows you still love him, he wouldn't be trying to work things out like he has been if he didn't. So there is no need to really assert something he already knows, that base is covered. He knows you love him, and you know he loves you. What you would need to do is relax a bit and be the person he fell in love with, so that way he can see what it was he loved about you in the first place because, you see, it's up to him. You can't change someone's perspective, but you can help in their decision making. What is up to you is in providing him a good environment so he can make a decision, be supportive of him, let him know you still love him, and that you still want to be with him. And you've done that, which is really good, because that's really all you can do. If you go any further, it could defeat the purpose and maybe drive him away because he could feel like you're trying to control his feelings and his decisions.

[QTpie87]

NO,

i don't think anyone really understands what i am saying. i have to tell him how i feel about him, but i just don't know how to make it out to be what it really is. which is a extremly lot of love.

[Frodo Baggins]

What you're feeling is the frustration of having all those feelings of love bottled up inside of you, and that's understandable. The thing is, it's too risky of a situation to throw something that big at him. What you should do is write out what you feel, get it out of your system and keep it for yourself. Maybe as a journal or something personal. Maybe as a story, or poetry, be creative, but KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Sending it could be the biggest mistake you could make, and if you feel bad now, you will REGRET ever doing it, trust me, I know.

[Caldus]

I would definitely suggest writing exactly how you feel in a journal. Make sure that you make this journal entry as detailed as possible. Describe any images or thoughts that come to mind when you think of him. ANYTHING. No one else is going to read this so do not worry about what other people would think of your journal entry. I did not think something like this would help me control my feelings whenever I was in a tough situation, but it did. There is no reason not to try this. If you are still feeling the same, then let us know.

[Frodo Baggins]

Excellent reply, Caldus. Not only is it a therapeutic way of getting those ideas accross, it's a good compromise on what QT wants. She has these feelings inside of her and needs to get them out, this is perfect; she gets to say what she wants, how she wants to, re-write it, do what she can with it, and it'll be in the safety of a journal, that way the relationship won't be endangered by moving too fast.

[bdub]

When my ex and I first broke up, I was thinking like you, QT. I was like, "She'll understand if I can only say the right thing in the right way." But it simply isn't true. My friends would give me advice to just let it go and maybe she'd come back, but there was nothing I could do to MAKE her come back. I wanted to listen to their advice, but I was thinking the whole time that they didn't understand. That this was different and they just didn't understand. But they did understand. In many ways, they understood better than I did what was going on. Have you ever heard the saying "You can't see the forest through the trees?" It fits this situation pretty well. The trauma of the situation has gotten a hold of you and you can't think through your actions clearly. Every thought has an emotion attached and you can't see past the emotion.

 

Trust the people on the forum, they all have your best interest in mind. Keep posting here and try to let people help you. If I could go back and change the way I acted, I would try to listen to my friends a little more. I would have avoided a great deal of pain if I would have only listened to them. Keep in mind, most of the people here have gone through a similar situation as yours, and they know how it feels.

 

Good Luck and Best Wishes,

bdub

[vfunkera]

hey QTpie,

 

You sound like you have done your chasing and are now looking for a different approach. Telling him how you feel is another bad move that i will confess i fell into do. I instinctively wrote down everything i felt for her, and foolishly met her and told her all of it. I didnt give her a letter, it all came out of my mouth-

 

'You are the centre of my world', 'Give me one more chance, we will have it however way you are comfertable', 'if christina aguilera asked me out i'd turn her down to stay with you' 'ill never take you for granted again'.

 

Yea it was that extreme. But it was how i felt at the time, and i meant it, just as you mean everything you say about how much you are in love with him. We all understand because we have been there, and now we are giving the experience that you haven't had yet.

 

My result after pouring out my feelings? She never brought up the issue of me and her again. I thought it had to be said, that these feelings had to be told to her, i had to tell her i loved her if i already hadnt, or maybe she hadnt heard me. It was the biggest mistake i ever made regarding her and me. I came to this website believing me and her were unique because we were made for each other, and our situation was different. I believed it and i was convinced. Look at my first ever post here-

 

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Yea the usual stuff from the heart broken guy- shorthand, unorganised, long, pointless information that i thought was important. lool. Much similar to alot that we still get now. At least you are typing better then most!

 

Frodo, Morrigan, Avman, Caldus and bdub have all said enough, so the only productive thing i can do with this post is to inspire you and everyone else who is reading this, and thats what i am trying to do.

 

Look at where i am now? Who would have thought from my first post i'd go on to moderate the site? lool. I have matured enough, and that same ex i was talking about in that post, 'the one'- i dont want her back anymore. Shes not what i am looking for. And you will hopefully realise that when you start to move on.

 

There have been alot of people here who i have seen on the floor, who have now got up and there ex wants then back. Senna, Sadman, CAFEMCYC, justafool to name a few. What did they all do? What have i done? We have all decided to move on and not hang around. Easier said then done. How? Start to distance yourself from them. No contact has had alot of successful trials recently. Start that now and concentrate on yourself.

 

As Princess777 said in her reply, "What I meant was that if you don't grow a thicker skin you will get hurt more, and it is a hard thing to do. I find it very difficult to be tough when I really want to tell someone how I feel, but sometimes you just can't or it will drive them away too soon."

Learn from these mistake, and learn from what experience teaches. Make yourself a better person. Start to help others on this site. Stay busy.

 

My results? I now i have this tag and responsibilty on this forum that i never thought i'd rise up to receive, and i no longer want my ex back. 8)

 

You can do it. Good luck.