Ladies please help me out!!!

[zhuge]

I have heard so much about staying NC after a break up...

 

Out of all the opinions I have read the vast majority say I should stay in NC.

 

I had one woman say this to me yesterday, "a lot of people who are really heartbroken would do just about anything, begging, pleading, sending flowers, etc. to reach the heart of their ex again."

 

and now I totally confused.

 

I don't know if I should be trying harder to get her back or not say anything and wait.

 

Ladies do you think I should be begging, pleading sending flowers, something else or I should remain in NC?

 

My whole story is under the title all relationship experts! Please help me out![/b]

 

Please ladies help me out.

[Cognitive_Canine]

well, you want her back?

[zhuge]

More than anything in the world!

[Cognitive_Canine]

you feel healed at all? Who broke up with whom?

[zhuge]

Dude...it's such a long story.

 

I broke up with her first...

 

while I was away she broke up with me.

 

Its really a long story DW.

The whole thing is here

 

[zhuge]

and yes i know what I did wrong and tried to come home and make things right.

[Cognitive_Canine]

well, you broke her heart and then later she didn't think that you actually wanted her back. You just didn't want to be alone.

 

If it were me, I'd wouldn't beg, but I'd try hard to convince her that I was in it for good if she was.

[zhuge]

No, its not that I dont want to be alone. I love her with every once of me.

 

I'm here trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.

 

I'm really trying.

[zhuge]

I'm serious.

 

I want to do what it takes to get my lady back.

 

I dont care what it takes. NC, LC...pleading, begging--friggin killing the devil, finding Bin Laden...whatever it takes.

 

Have I been wasting time? That's why I am here asking.

 

I want what can help me...not doctrine.

 

I've been NC for 2 1/2 weeks and I'm good but that confused me and I just want my lady back.

[george237]

I am not a girl but can tell you this. NC is a way to heal yourself meaning it is over and there is no way you are getting back together in the near future. If you think that you two can have another shot try and be the BF you were before the arguments but without the intimacy. Be supportive, funny, and caring. DO NOT bring up the relationship more than once for a couple of weeks. Just keep in touch with her and let her know that you care about the person she is. I hope everything works out for you and ladies you can criticize my post.

[zhuge]

She is already seeing some other dude she started seeing since she didnt think I was serious.

 

We were together for 7 years man.

 

I'm not sure what you are saying about NC.

 

It sounds like you are saying I shouldnt use NC.

 

I'm already in great shape. Sound mind and body...I've got a lot going for me. The only thing I needed to do was show her I cared more. I know exactly what went wrong. All I need is the chance to prove it to her.

[george237]

Why is she seeing somebody so fast? She is either over it or she is trying to make you jeleous. How long ago did you guys break up? If it has been a few weeks ask her out to lunch/dinner and bring up your relationship and see how she reacts. Make sure you talk about what SHE needs in the relationship and how you are willing to work on it.

[zhuge]

She and I have dated for the last seven years. Last April I asked her to move in with me…and she did. We had a great relationship, shared so many things in common, had a great time together, never argued or anything.

 

Well in January I told her I didn't think she was right for me. I told her I wanted to be with a Chinese girl (not that one was waiting in the wings or anything) because of my love for Chinese culture, language, history and so on. This is something I had convinced myself of for years but never dealt with it correctly and that’s part of the reason why I’m in this terrible spot.

 

Anyway, it broke her heart and shattered her dreams. We both thought it would be a good idea if she moved out. I told her to take as much time as she needed and slowly she did. She still has a few things here like her couch, coffee table and chair, and few other things. She still gets some of her mail at our mailbox but hasn’t been around in the last two weeks to get it.

 

We began to see each other again around the beginning of February. We would see each other once or twice a week, and do all the things we used to do.

 

During that time it was still, I thought, just like were together the whole time...happy, loving, laughing and just great. Except she was waiting for me to ask her to come back home and I never did. That seems to be a HUGE part of my mistake. Really I thought we were getting back together so I didn't really realize I had to ask. Another mistake.

 

Around mid-march she went a date with a guy one night. But we were trying to get back together at that point. But I know she was hurt so I was cool with it.

 

She told me all I had to do is tell her that I wanted to be with her and she would stay. I told her I would say it but I didn’t want to just say it because I had hurt her so badly with other "nonsense" I told her. I told her I wanted to prove it to her instead of just "telling" her. You know "actions speak louder than words."

She never said, "well you better say it or we are done." She seemed cool with that and seemed to understand. And we were both cool being together again.

 

I had a sudden business trip I had to take to Thailand and I would be gone for two months. She thought I was "leaving her" for good. But the morning I left she sent me this awesome picture mail of her smiling into the camera with the caption “Thinking of you, XOXO!!”

 

While I was there (I left April 9th) we were emailing and I thought we were good. But, on the 20th of April she emailed me to tell me “You’ve lost me.”

I think she snapped one day when she came to my house while I was away. See, she came to my house to get more of her stuff to take back home. Which I had no idea why she would since I thought we were getting back together. I told her that. I said, “why would you come to take more stuff away?” She said, "you never asked me to come home.”

 

But the real pain is I had this "priority list" on my desk that had nothing to do with her. But it was a list of all the pros and cons of me going there or staying here. She got SO PI$$ED when she saw that list and she wasnt on it.

 

I tried t explain to her that she wasnt on it because it was ONLY the financial benefits of going to Thailand versus staying. It had nothing to do with my personal life other than my finances and how it could help us out big time if I went. Like I said though, she was really PI$$ED about that and wrote me to tell me about it.

 

I tried to explain it didn't have anything to do with her but she had already convinced herself that she wasn't high on my priority list and I couldn't convince her otherwise. And I didn't leave a card for here either. But I didn't have any idea she would be coming back to take things away...why would I leave something that she would even know about?

 

So, one week later I came home to prove that I was committed to her which is one of the reasons she felt so bad too. All that time together and I hadn’t asked her to marry me yet. Well, when I got home I asked her to marry me, she said no. She told me she doesn't feel the same anymore…that I hurt her too much. I am totally devastated. I asked her if I screwed things up that bad and she said, yes.

 

She had always written me letters and sent me cards telling me how much loves me...and when I came back I had written her a hand written 10 page letter talking about how she is the right girl for me, all of the great things that we shared, how sorry I am...how we would have beautiful kids together...I mean everything...everything.

 

Also, when I broke up with her these were basically all of the same things she said to me and how could I break up with her. I mean…we got along GREAT. I’m serious too. I’m not glorifying the relationship or anything silly like that. That’s why were together for so long. We had no drama, nothing like that at all. Her parents really liked me and her friends liked me and vice versa. She did tell me that I didn’t spend enough time with her friends and family but sheesh…now she is saying we are done…???

 

I asked if it was over between us and she said "it feels like it" but wont say yes. Two of the last three times we spoke she told me that she loves me and is so sorry. I know she considers me an ex now. What can I do?

 

I told her how sorry I was for what I did, tried to get her to realize that I was not leaving her and she just says that understands but she doesn't feel the same anymore. The thing there is she is not indifferent but angry and hurt.

 

And I never did anything crazy like go by her work, called her all the time or been texting her, try to interfere with her dating or anything...I've just left her alone. The last few times we spoke I did ask her to give me a second chance, but didn't beg or plead, just asked. She said, "you had all those chances and never took them."

 

Now she is already dating someone else who I know she is telling things that she used to say to me. AND the two things I didn't talk to her about, the main thing was having kids, she is already saying that they –she and the other dude- "share the same common desire to have children."

 

Oh, I'm 34 and she is 32. And yes it should have been "painfully obvious" that she wants kids but we never talked about it. She never brought it up either but...anyway. I'm trying to be patient and give her some time. I know I hurt her badly and I am doing all I can to try and let her recover on her own terms. Even if it is with a rebound dude.

She also works with this guy and it seems totally like a whole rebound relationship so...I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm really trying not to even think about that at all. But really I just hope she won't let these three months ruin what a happy life we can have together. I mean...three months for all the good times we've had...I just hope it is not too late.

 

I'm trying to understand she hurt for a lot longer than I have so far...

 

Do you all think she can really be trying to take the life and love that we have and give it to someone else that quickly? I know she even told that guy "from the first time we met I felt myself falling for you." And that was a week after she told me I had lost her so I was like???

 

Do any of you see hope for me and really think I can get her back? Can it really be over? All those years of being together…I messed up for 3 months and we are done???

 

Do you think she is trying to get back at me for that? I'm hoping a healthy dose of patience will eventually wear down her resistance and this will be nothing more than faint memory of the past.

 

But I'm not sure if I can believe that. I REALLY, really want to but I just don't know.

 

I came 10,000 miles and asked her to marry me doesn't that count for something? We've been in NC for two and a half weeks.

[george237]

That hurts. She is definatley on the rebound and she knows how happy she was with you. I think you need to show her you are commited. Proposing to her after a breakup means nothing because she can see you are just doing it to get back with her. Be her friend now and sooner then later she will leave the new guy for you.

[arcadefire]

Again, I posted in your last thread zhuge. From my opinion as a woman (and I hope other woman could voice theirs), I would vastly prefer a man who loves me to try anything in the world to get me back. Moving mountains, shooting down the sun, it doesn't matter. I just need to know that he believes I'm worth the effort and that he does not want to lose me. Of course, my opinion, other women could be different, even your ex.