I keep thinking about it...

[SRufus]

Firstly, im not going to commit suicide. So, please dont worry or anything. I will keep posting! I will stick around. Even if i didn't, it doesn't matter anyway-you don't know me, and it is not your duty. Still, im not going anywhere.......i really want to see The Dark Knight for starters. However, i can't stop thinking about death. I've reached a point where i don't see the point of life anymore. Almost as if life itself is just nothing in comparison to the scheme of things overall. I keep wondering what happens after you die. And, it's no longer thoughts grounded in how others would react, or how many people would go to my funeral, because i no longer care about that. I'm just sick of life. It's tiresome, and i would love to sit somebody worse off than me, and ask them "how do you keep going?". If it were not socially weird and messed up, i would have asked the wheelchair bound customer as to how he keeps going? What keeps him alive?

 

Im going to die one day, and everything around me feels as if it doesn't matter anymore. It's weird. It's like seeing myself getting older and still in the same boat, and then wondering if everything that led to this point would eventually give me some satisfaction in life. I am 32, and I have been in two relationships, and i don't have kids. Do i even want kids? Time is going so fast and it feels hopeless. It's really hard to explain. Almost year ago, if i wrote a post, i would be physically crying whilst writing it cause i was so depressed and hoping for change. The change never happened. Now, I don't care! I've lost that part of me. They say people live on in the memory of others, but eventually the others die too, so why bother. I can't seem to stop thinking about "in a 1000 years time this won't mean a thing" train of thought. Then i wonder about reincarnation, heaven and hell and all that, and I think that it probably won't happen. And do i really want to become reincarnated as some other person, animal or whatever? It makes more sense that nothing happens, just peace, and eternal sleep, and you won't exist period.

 

Anyway, that's how i am thinking these days, and about a year and a bit ago.......i was a little depressed, but never thought like this. I dreamt about the future being good- but the future is here, and now, and it has not happened for me.

 

I am seeing someone professionally, and it is helping. I can't express everything in this one post.

[eurocar]

We are but a drop in the bucket in the universe, a part not of some master plan, but only of ourselves. In truth, our individual existences mean very little, compared to the whole of everything. But think about it in this way: if the world ran in such a way that people thought they were incapable of making contributions, no matter how seemingly minute and insignificant, to society, to their partners, friends, family, and themselves, we would never progress and the whole of humanity would be essentially stagnant; it would eventually cease to exist.

 

Think of yourself not as a discreet conveyor of procreation, of the mere furtherance and deliverance of biology, but of something greater (this may superficially appear to contradict the first paragraph, but we can be a part of something greater while retaining our individuality). The power of you can only be harnessed by you, and were it not for you, and millions of others, the world would be devoid of all that humanity has to offer, yes, all its vices, but all its virtues, all that it offers to itself. In a metaphysical sense, it would not matter if we ceased to exist; the universe would still exist, and some other highly advanced organism would likely develop. And, they would likely have the same thoughts, if the universe followed the same rules, laws, and provisos it now does. And the cycle would repeat indefinitely.

 

The key thing to remember here is that you, as an individual, are only here for a finite amount of time. Your legacy, however apparently nonexistent, will in fact live on forever in the objective and orderly truth of things, will make its mark, however tiny, on your fellow humans, those who love, cherish, and need you. The domino effect of your existence is undeniable and so, in effect, you do matter much more than you think you do. The only aspect left to consider is whether you will embrace that knowledge. Live for yourself, but die for others.

[Wolf_22]

Firstly, im not going to commit suicide. So, please dont worry or anything. I will keep posting! I will stick around. Even if i didn't, it doesn't matter anyway-you don't know me, and it is not your duty. Still, im not going anywhere

...

Im going to die one day, and everything around me feels as if it doesn't now, and it has not happened for me.

 

You too, ehh? Hehe. I was thinking the exact same sort of way, however, mine was because of a lady who was apparently "missing something in our relationship".

 

...Damn women... Good for noth-... I mean, uhh, never mind...

 

Anyhoolio, I wish I could say something to cheer ya up. In all honesty, I'm still thinking about suicide, but, only and exactly in that fashion - thinking about it. I will never do it because I don't wish ill fate on my family or friends. It's odd though - this fantasizing about killing yourself. I've always done it, or at least ever since I was a sophomore in high school.

 

I've always had really bad family problems, and I think it's because of this that I've had personal problems as well. I can't really offer any advice, but like Tom Hanks says in "Cast Away" - "I knew I just had to keep breathing."

 

Hang in there man. Something good has to happen sooner or later...

For us both.

[SRufus]

yep..........still here

 

feel like crap but still here

[Wolf_22]

yep..........still here

 

feel like crap but still here

 

Just take it one day at a time man. That's what I do. In all honesty, the only thing that keeps me here are the following:

1.) My family and friends.

2.) My desire to get somewhere in the web design market.

3.) My desire to one day get married. If I kill myself, I'll never know if I'll find that one lady out there somewhere, ya know?

 

In all reality, none of the things above really matter much in the big scheme of things. I mean, sure, the fam and friends would be in a pain for awhile, but they'd learn how to live on. So how does thinking like this really help? Well, obviously it doesn't really help the situation, however, it does put things into perspective because it allows you to realize that in the end, you're on your own. While this may be perceived as a negative "thing" at first, it's actually a good thing because it makes you realize that you have the power to mold the world you inhabit into the environment you wish to have in your everyday life.

 

I've never understood why I always seem to crumble when my relationships go south. I never think about suicide until some gal dumps me. I can handle my mother's alcoholism, my dad's constant selfishness and all the other baggage the rest of my family has at times. I can even handle lonesomeness pretty well, but when my lover rejects me, that's when my soul feels as if it's been thrown away in the trash or something.

 

...So that's what I guess my current life-lesson is at the time, well, that and learning how to get the hell out of this dead-end job I have at the moment. ...and like I said above: I take it one day at a time. Today, for example, I called in sick. I have plenty of days in which to use for things like that, so I said to hell with it and decided to play hooky. It's going to be a wonderful day. Just hang in there man. If you need someone to chat with, IM me on YahooIM. I'll PM my ID on there to you.

[SRufus]

Wolf,

 

I feel i just have to get out of this mindset. It's almost a perverse sense of wonderous darkness that creeps into my mind. I never used to think like this before, and was always here in the present, and had some warped sense of self-belief. I'm still trying to understand it all. Last year was particularly bad for me, but nothing major has changed. I can look back, and remember that sense of urgency about change I used to have about life (at the time I was unemployed). I feel stilted, and know what I have to do in order to move forward, and not be so hard on myself. That is- write a script. Get it out. That's what I want to do. And GODDAMN, i intend to have that written. I just need to stop thinking about my exes so much, lol.

 

But yes, I will take you up on your offer- cause after all, we are both at this forum for a reason.

 

So, thank you kindly.

 

I'll send you a PM too.