Concentration at Work

[need2bme]

I also realised - and you should too..and I don't mean to get all Tony Robbins here, but you need to take some power back. I got really angry to think that my ex consumed my thinking so much that everything else in my life suffered - how dare he do this to me sort of thing. I realised that I owed it to myself to finish college for me - bugger him- I wasn't going to sacrifice what I'd worked so hard on all year just for the sake of his pathetic treatment of me.

 

shell80: Good stuff. I actually did the exact same thing and put her above everything. I actually like some of the stuff Tony Robbins says, especially when he refers to having a line you won't go below or the power of a decision or how we can think many different ways and basically have an "inner civil war", but....

 

...this....

 

For me - my personal life seemed to be the ONLY thing that mattered - my heart was the most important thing - so nothign else mattered, work, school, etc. I think it was only when I started to get really tired of thinking of him and what happened was when I started to get back on track.

 

...is really more about us, than them; isn't it? What I mean to say is that I was/is exactly the same way, but I attributed it to hiding, wanting her to fill something that wasn't there. I needed to have a life of my own, more that I could bring to the table, etc, but I was making her my life.

 

Were you feeling like he consumed your time and you were letting other things slide, DURING your relationship, or just during the breakup?

 

I was doing it DURING the relationship and that has to stop...

[need2bme]

SurfJon: Great news man and great courage. I can take such great encouragement from what you guys are doing.

 

I must say that regardless of what seems to happen with me, I cannot stop thinking about "US". I was defined by us and I wasn't with her, anywhere NEAR the length of time you were with your wife.

 

I know that I frequent where we met, had our first date, hung out, where I met her sister and kids, etc. , all the time. It is close to my house and where we hung out alot.

 

Now, it is really hard to enjoy myself there or walk around without looking for her. I can simply look where we first met and get so saddened. I am actually tearing up now.

 

See, that is why I say that part of me MUST be stronger. Why is it STILL getting to me? Why is it that I can just sit here and the sadness just overcomes me and I miss her so much?

 

My brain knows that we were going way to fast, that she did what she needed to do, that she is gone and there are things I HAVE to fix and yet, I still miss her so very much.

 

CRAP!!!

[shell80]

 

 

...is really more about us, than them; isn't it? What I mean to say is that I was/is exactly the same way, but I attributed it to hiding, wanting her to fill something that wasn't there. I needed to have a life of my own, more that I could bring to the table, etc, but I was making her my life.

 

Were you feeling like he consumed your time and you were letting other things slide, DURING your relationship, or just during the breakup?

 

I was doing it DURING the relationship and that has to stop...

 

Thanks for the reply need2bme....

 

I guess 'for me' excuse the pun, this recent relationship didn't let me lose too much of myself as it was long distance - me in Oz, he in Canada, so we both had our own lives - me finishing off college, him (well I don't know what the bugger was actually doing!)... I had my own friends here - only met a couple of his family members etc. We spoke everyday though and were counting down to being together - for me that is the hardest part - the loss of future plans.

 

BUT yes - I know exatly what you mean - you put so much into them and the relationship, that you do feel very lost when it ends - like a part of you is gone too. We'll get that back though.....

[need2bme]

Shell80: That is cool that you didn't lose yourself. I was looking at old emails and realized that I have that pattern. Weird thing is, and I REALLY don't mean this to toot my own horn, but I have NEVER had a problem getting with really cute girls, but I always seem to either pick the wrong ones OR I seem to try and make them my life.

 

I thought about it and 3 times have dated or been serious with girls that my friends wanted to date and 1 that guys would always comment on, until I would introduce her as my wife.

 

Anyway, my point is, that I should have been sure enough of myself to NOT make them my life, or at least to NOT do whatever it was that was causing me to be insecure.

 

But, that I was, just making them all there is anyway...

 

NO MORE!!

[shell80]

Well need2bme...perhaps I am just in denial

 

I've been single for quite a lot of my 20s so maybe I've had to put on the independent girl jacket as I didn't have a guy to lose myself too or rely on to become my whole world.

 

I definitely believe in being happy and content with yourself so that you can compliment someone else....not complete them or you.

[-BK-]

BK: Still, you haven't totally explained why what I said was interesting or why you asked my age. I had money put aside and a home etc., but I let it go away, for the love of a girl. No, all that was not her fault. I just thought I had to care for her and stayed, instead of moving to a great paying job.

 

Also, to be totally honest, I was scared. Scared about leaving her, not being with her, that I couldn't do the job. Basic co-dependency.

 

That is what I have to change. I have to get the "stuff" back and the future bright.

 

Sounds like you pretty much have your "stinky stuff" squared away. I know, it is all "one day at a time". Right?

 

I was interested because you talked about what stage you are at in life, and I can relate. I don't have the exact quote, but you said that you were settled down in several areas of your life and wanted to find that relationship that made it all complete -- i.e. time to get married and have a family. I think I'm in the same place in life, which is why I was asking your age.

[glimmerofhope]

As to this concentration at work deal...well, I am at work, and on these forums. Enough said?

[HajiMaji]

Man, BK, what am I going to do with you?! You are going through everything I went through. It really is a rough time. Concentrating while at work was horrible. School was always a little easier for me because even if I was feeling super low, I could just not pay attention. At work I had to function.

 

People noticed, I briefly explained my situation focusing on how the breakup was making me feel, and they understood. Sure I still had to maintain my responsibilities, but i felt a lot less anxiety when people understood my situation.

 

That didnt help me concentrate though. Nothing really did. I am sorry to say all that. Somedays it was complete battle.

 

I promise man, that sooner or later, you will feel better. Life can be so painful when this is happening. I also read above where you feel as if you are settled in all other aspects of your life. I can understand how that is good and bad. First, it is great that you have taken care of yourself enough to be in a place that you are content with. It just sucks feeling like you are missing a part of life ontop of feeling sad about the ex specifically. It is going to improove. Everything might not end up as ideal as you originally hoped, but the ideal doesnt matter. Soon, you will heal from this and then who knows what will happen. I think you will have a chance to be a more full and happy person.

[surfjon]

need2be............

 

I sometimes find myself sitting at the waterfront restaurant/pub where we had our first date 22 years ago, don't know why I do.

 

It's like I'm guided by wire attached to the place, I shouldn't go there because I stare at the exact spot on the seawall where we first kissed and it only brings me down.

 

The things we do to ourselves.........

 

At least I start back teaching a class this evening, I need some peace.

 

jon

[emalkoc]

I told my boss that I am having a hard time and help me around if he sees me lacking concentration...He is very helpful and sometimes it is very difficult concerntrate to work...But we have to..

 

Last thing I know I dont want to loose is my job...

[need2bme]

I sometimes find myself sitting at the waterfront restaurant/pub where we had our first date 22 years ago, don't know why I do.

 

It's like I'm guided by wire attached to the place, I shouldn't go there because I stare at the exact spot on the seawall where we first kissed and it only brings me down.

 

The things we do to ourselves.........

 

SurfJon: You do remember me posting that I drove to the beach, about 30 miles away to be at the place where we had our first real date AND also the first place I kissed her; right?

 

I know how you feel brother. I was sadder even this morning. It was so nice to talk to her and hear her voice, but the coolness of all of this is that I will know what to do different, next time.

 

Hang in there bud and PM whenever you need.