Still trying to do the right thing and save my marriage

[Lanni]

Story so far: I have been married to a very nice man for 9 years. For about the last 3ish, we have been great companions and roomates. But not loving the way husbands and wifes should. We have a 7 year old kiddo too.

 

I fell in love early this year with a really good friend. Really bad situation. My husband was friends with him also. I told him about it and he said "it's ok honey..." Then weeks later told him how much I missed my friend (we were trying to be apart) and my husband said "I know, I miss him too..." So, we are in a very interesting situation.

 

Per everyones (here and in personal life) suggestion, we sought out a marriage counselor. I really do want to fall in love with my husband again. Loving someone else is only causing me pain. So, the first session was shocking. He completely put me on the spot and asked me if I was even interested in trying to save my marriage.... Huh? I'm here aren't I? So, made it through the first session then emailed him the next day to tell him that I think I should pursue counseling on my own to figure myself out first. Here was his reply....

 

"Love is a decision, not a feeling. What you are feeling right now is a secondary issue. You have already decided not to work on your marriage. You do not want to face this fact so you are covering it up with things like, "I'm not sure what to do" or "I don't know..." When I confronted you the other day with "Do you want this marriage to work?" it was by design. I can see that the excuses are barriers or defenses against having to truly work on the real problems. If you continue to decide to break apart your marriage, you will be unhappy, and everyone effected by your decision will be unhappy.

 

When you say that perhaps you need to work on yourself, this too is covering up or defending against having to work on the heart of the problem. It merely pushes aside the real matter and allows you to go on a search for selfish "good feelings." Here's a fact of life: anytime one persues selfishness they will never be happy."

 

Love is a decision, not a feeling? Counseling on my own is a "serch for selfish good feelings?" WOW! He is very fired. It is a good thing that I don't believe in signs because so far, every one points to giving up. I feel that my husband is basically handing me over to my friend on a silver platter and my counselor thinks he knows (after 1 50 minute session) that I don't want to work on my marriage.....

 

At what point is it ok to just give up? This all is so amazing, it seems comical! I really do love my friend. I really do love my husband, but as a friend loves a friend. I don't want to hold him back from true love (he thinks it's me) and I don't want to keep lying about everything. Which, each time I feel my love for my friend, I am basically lying to my husband.

 

Would you want your partner to leave if they were truly not happy? Would you rather them be honest and call it quits or keep trying because they don't want to hurt you? At some point I know that I need to do what is best for me and stop worrying about everyone else, but WOW that is difficult!

[everafter]

I'm interested to know how you're going to handle this. I'm in the same situation - married 11 years (no children), I love my husband (but as you do, as best friends), and newly in love with an old boyfriend. We've begun marriage counseling, and I don't know where it will lead. All I know is I'm afraid to leave my husband without good reason, but I do so want to follow my heart. So you're definitely not alone!

[real amour]

Hello Lanni and Everafter. I know both of your feelings. But in my situation, I don't think I ever had that 'in love' feeling. If you both have had it, why do you not now? I too have strayed but no cheating yet, just drummed up someone from the past on email (for my own selfish needs). How about a trial separation? I have two young kids under 4 so I can't even think that far, I just make due with friendship and disatisfying sex.

 

Without kids, I would say, just pick up and go before you invest more, but with kids it is more touchy. However, I met a woman who said that she left her man after 18 years because she needed to give more of herself, a person she liked, to her kids and she was not becoming that person with her man. He never imagined she would go through with it. Her kids now respect her for the guts she had to be herself (they had varying views on lifestyle, city vs. country, money vs. frugality).

 

I think I made love a calculated decision and I left my true essense or spirit just slip by and away in making this 'decision'. I married a great guy vs. the right guy.

 

I congratulate you for the counselling (I am not even there yet). Maybe go to counselling alone first to get your head straight then involve the man. Maybe a flirt or adulterous experience will get things out of your system.

 

Did any of you get married to a dream and not reality, when all is said and done (the house, the kids, the dress, etc.)? Just a thought. By the way, my man is like the nicest man I will ever meet, but he does not push my every button by a long shot (maybe I married what I thought I should be marrying vs. what I really wanted) Good luck.

[blondikix]

I was in a similar situation about 6 years ago, and did get divorced over it...BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE!!! My ex & I are great friends to this day, but he is married again now & has a 2 year old (we have a 10 year old together) I have dated, and still nobody compares to him...we had our problems, and yes...it felt like we were roommates or even owrse at the time...but I KNOW we could have made it better...it was my own stubborness that is why we are where we are today...be VERY sure you know what you want!!!!