How have you dealt with "THE FOLKS"?

[amtheredoingthat]

I'd like to pose this question to the age-gappers out there:

 

How have you dealt with your family's reaction to your age-gap relationship? I'm assuming that most of you have gotten at least a somewhat negative response from parents and family (look at what some parents have said on this site).

 

What have they said? How have you coped with this? OR, were their negative reactions the demise of your relationship?

 

Obviously, I'm nervous about my own family... both my boyfriend and I are concerned with their opinion (although I try to be of the mind that it doesn't matter -- but it does). My family knows I'm dating an older man, but I think if they thought it was more serious (i.e., we were getting married), they'd freak out. Let's face it -- they aren't thrilled now (Mom makes her little comments about me dating "Grandpa" -- Dad silently stews over the whole thing, but I know what he's thinking.)

 

Any advice as well about how to handle things?

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

Although you have posted this message months ago, I would like to make some suggestions and comments to this post. Hopefully it still is of help for you, if not for others reading this forum.

 

My suggestion is this: it might be very hard on your parents to accept this age gap relationship, but if you are legal of age then there should be no problem. You are responsible for your own happiness and I believe that your parents and family should respect this. If this is a mistake in their eyes, they will have to allow you to make this mistake and learn from this.

 

I have been very lucky that my parents allowed me to make my mistakes and it helped me grow in my own way and learn from myself. I hope that your parents and your family will also see this. I wish you good luck with this, as well as others being in the same situation as you are in.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[dfcannon]

It's a shame that you've received only one response to this very thoughtful question. After all, when we choose a partner, we also choose the family, however reluctantly.

 

I think your mother is way out of line, petty and immature (yes, immature), to resort to digs like "grandpa." So, if this is the best consul she can give, I don't think it's worth very much. Her actions are actually selfish...they're not coming from her concern for your happiness. My mother is capable of this kind of emotional gamesmanship, and I don't choose to play along. As for your father, he seems to want to let you be an adult and make your own decisions, and you have to respect him for that. I would suggest you accept where his concerns are coming from...his heart...and love him more for it. After all, I'm sure you understand that there ARE some drawbacks to this age gap, although as an adult you can weigh them against the positives and make a decision. Maybe you could even talk to him alone, without your mother, who seems destructive, and listen to his concerns. It may help you make a more informed decision.

 

Best wishes. It's nice to see you're thinking about the whole picture.

[amtheredoingthat]

First, I just want to say thanks to both of you who bothered to reply to my question. I hadn't found too many sites where grown people could talk about their age-gap relationship, and I was hoping for more feedback.

 

I agree with you both. And DF, you are right -- my mother has always thought about her needs more in general when it comes for me finding out what's right for me. Dad appreciates more that I have to make my own mistakes.

 

Actually, I came on the board today looking for sympathy. My boyfriend decided to end the relationship. It's complicated -- but the age difference did play a role. I think, in his mind, a few things were going on.

 

Firstly, he couldn't come to grips with having a family again, and that was one difference between where we were in our lives. The only one, for the most part, past retirement. Otherwise, we came together pretty nicely. But that was a biggie. He tried, but in the end, decided, no, it was NOT for him.

 

Secondly, I think he just viewed the age difference as "wrong." I'm not sure I understand the morality he was connecting with the age gap, but this was his view. I think he worried that I was going to be put into the position of being alone at a relatively young age. Not untrue. But it was something I was willing to face.

 

Thirdly, he was afraid that I would get tired of being with an older man, and would leave the relationship.

 

We had discussed marriage in serious terms and how it WOULD work out, but in his mind, he never overcame these fears. I miss him. One on one, we had a wonderful relationship. Not without its problems, but no problem that we hadn't been able to work out and overcome. Past these issues, obviously.

 

On my side of the coin, I had decided (simultaneously!) that if he couldn't/wouldn't marry me, I needed to move on, because I DO desire a mate for life. And this is what it has come down to.

 

He's not happy about what I'm about to write here, but part of what I learned is that age doesn't play much of a role in how wonderful a person can be. If I found an older man without these fears who meant as much to me, I would pursue that relationship. My BF thought it should matter. But it doesn't. What does matter is how you relate, and that has more to do with personality and mental maturity (or immaturity) than with physical age.

 

The breakup is fairly fresh. I miss him. I loved him very, very much. But I'm trying my best to keep my chin up and to move on! Wish me luck!

 

 

[dfcannon]

That's sad to hear...you were brave and good-hearted to pursue this relationship, and apparently this man flaked out on you. I respect his decision to not have children, but he really should have known this going into the relationship, in my opinion. This man seems a bit lost and confused, and he needs to get his own house in order before he enters into relationships. I think your best course of action is to follow the 6-month rule...wait at least 6 months after a breakup before having another serious relationship...and go into the next one with a few more questions and a more evaluative approach. There's no rush in finding the right person. In fact, I've come to the opinion that it's better to be alone than be in a bad relationship. So, enjoy your freedom and I'm sure you'll find a good guy...maybe older, maybe not.

[amtheredoingthat]

Thanks for the nice words, DF. I DO feel that I was very brave and took a chance with a lot of hope that things would work out. I don't regret that. Things COULD have worked out beautifully, but my BF had to be open to allowing that to happen. In the end, he wasn't.

 

My BF often said he didn't know whether to listen to his heart or his head when it came to the two of us. His emotions were saying that he wanted to be with me forever. His head was telling him that it would never work out. It could have -- with effort. There always has to be a willingness to succeed, and he could not quite muster up the will. Sometimes I'm angry about this -- I gave up a lot to be with him and to show him I cared. Honestly, while he was nothing but loving and caring to me, I think he gave up less. A little one-sided.

 

He WAS confused, but in the end, he came to his original decision. I always KNEW this could be the outcome, so he's no more at fault regarding this than I am. It takes two to tango, and we were both involved in this dance. But again, I felt it was a chance I had to take. To not take it -- well, I never would have known what could have been, and I think that would have been more devistating. At least, I know that I tried.

 

I have been casual dating, but I have realized that I'm really not in any shape to do serious pursuing. I only last spoke to him 2 weeks ago, and I'm still too stuck on him.

 

And honestly? I have this stupid hope that he will give it up and come back to me. I don't think I'm normally this stupid! I was set up, in some ways, by the nature of the relationship itself. He would say "never will I do that" -- and then, he would do it! He did this all the time. For example, way back in April, when we first started to date (just a couple of dates into things), he gave up. He said he would never come back to the relationship. Then in July, I contacted him -- told him I was going to be in his area, and everything started up again. And we were together a year total. Go figure. But that was my BF for you.

 

So my history keeps nagging at me that this isn't over yet. And still -- I know that sort of thinking is very unhealthy for me. I want some feeling of finality, even if it is negative. So I try to continue my life as if I will never be with him again.

 

Yes, I have to say, I never was searching out a much older person (although, in general, I'm mature and enjoy the company of older men). So now I'm just trying to kick back, deal with my emotions, and hopefully, the right guy will come along. He may be older, and he may not, just as you said. I'm trying not to push the issue. I have too much healing to do first.

 

Thanks again for listening and your kind comments. If you don't mind me asking, are you currently in a age-gap relationship? How is that working out for you?

[dfcannon]

Well, please be careful about going back to this guy. He's going around in circles, and you don't need more of that. Hmmm...how to reach closure. One thing you could try is writing him a goodbye letter (don't actually send it), explaining why you have to say goodbye forever. Keep it in a drawer for a few months and read it when you need to. Then throw it away. Just a thought. I've learned to walk away by having peace of mind in myself, and not wanting to disrupt that peace of mind with a dysfunctional person. There can be loneliness in being single, but the beauty is that there's also a LOT of hope that the person you really want is out there, and that you can have that person because you're single. I think it's that hope, combined with my efforts to create the life I want, that keeps me going.

 

As for whether I'm in an age-gap relationship, not at the moment. I did date a woman in her early 20s 2 years ago, and I'm in 37 now. The only reason we broke up was distance...I was returning to the US from London, she was moving to Germany. We did not have enough time together to decide we were ready to get married. Neither of us regretted a thing. We looked at it as a healthy affair, because we knew from the outset that we might need to move apart. I feel that I helped inspire her career and made a positive impact on her life.

 

Right now, I'm not even ready for a serious relationship, because I have started a business and am doing some creative things. I can't say for certain where I'll live in 6 months, which is actually exciting! Plus, I want to have children someday. When I do complete this transition, I want a nice apartment in a cosmopolitan city, but not a house. I still very much desire taking risks. So, you can see, an age gap relationship would be appropriate for me. I'm quite sure that when I do get into my next relationship, there will be an age gap, because it feels right. People who try to set me up according to my resume (my education, job, birth date, etc.) are inevitably disappointed, so I have mostly stopped accepting invitations for blind dates. This is what I'd say about age gap relationships in general: chronological age is not as important as stage in life and life experiences. So, for a relationship to work, it needs to be between two people on roughly the same life path.

[amtheredoingthat]

Wow... DF, that almost hurt to hear (your advice not to go back). Guess there must be a small part of me that still can't let go. Thanks for advice on the letter. I've actually done that before, and it is helpful. I'll try again.

 

I could see that, with you and where you are in your life (fairly active, definitely evolving, and the fact that you want children), that a younger woman would be more appropriate for you. You are complete correct that it is not age but the path your life is on that matters. At the same time, you seem very mature yourself and intelligent (and don't take this the wrong way, but I thought at first you were a woman! lol!)... So no matter what her age, I can also see things working out well if she is at your intelligence level. I've learned that true partnership comes from people who can respect each other as equals.

 

Unfortunately, it was our paths that were a little too out of whack in my realtionship. My BF's path had already gone beyond a family (he already had four children). But that's the path I am on, and will be on until he's getting close to leaving this planet. Maybe I am going to have to be the one who puts an end to his confusion -- by flat out saying no to any further involvment. Actually, I think I am smart enough to know that if he cannot commit to marriage -- if he has no intent -- I will NOT go back. If he did demonstrate that, however -- some true intent to marry -- I don't know -- that IS what I want from him. This is all working on the assumption that he would even desire a reunion in the future, and that could be totally wrong on my part.

 

Well, good luck in your new venture, and thanks again for your words of wisdom!

[dfcannon]

Apologies if I was too strident...it's not easy expressing oneself properly on a message board...I feel bad that my advice "almost hurt." For what it's worth, I think advice is probably not the right word. It's more like thoughts and perspectives. There's no way anyone but you can make these decisions.

 

Thanks for the kind words on my intellect. All I can say is that I'm smart enough to know that I don't know very much. I can appreciate a woman's intelligence, and I tend to date very intelligent women, but intelligence without a heart doesn't cut it, and a heart without so much intelligence does cut it. I guess I think too much. One of the mistakes people make when they fix me up is looking for someone equally as educated, etc., instead of the person's personality, which to me is far more important.

 

As for the woman thing, yea, well, I've discovered over the past few years that bisexual women find me very compelling. But I'm definitely all-straight myself.

[amtheredoingthat]

lol -- about the attractiveness to bisexual women! lol!

 

No apology necessary. Sometimes the truth hurts. But it's still the truth. I'd rather hear the truth than be fed a lie.

 

Good luck to you!