Should I be upset over this?

[forrestsdoll]

I was with a man for over 6 years, and this past year he has gotten into a lot of trouble with crack/cocaine, and alcohol. The other day we decided to take a long trip to just chill and talk with each other. He told me he had went to a GO GO bar with his brother a month ago to drink and I got so mad. Was it the wrong thing to do? Or do I have the right to be upset over that? Please help....Im confused.

[charmed]

Hi Forrestsdoll,

 

Firstly, I'm assuming that you are not with this man anymore.

 

You don't really have a right to be mad at him I'm afraid. You may indeed feel jealous about the go go bar, but if you are split up, then that is his business.

 

However, this situation also tells you that you have not properly let go of this man. You are still jealous of things in his life, and that is something you are going to have to work on to ensure that you do not get jealous in a situation like this with him, or with any other man in your life.

 

There are some interesting books on Jealousy and letting go in the books section of eNotalone.

 

The point is that you should embark on some personal development, to make you a more comfortable person in times like this. That is obviously what you are seeking, since you came to the forum feeling that there may be a problem here !

 

Hope this helps you some,

[DREAM]

Well at the end of the day it's all down to trust. If you trust him then you have nothing to worry about,

 

I can understand why you got upset and im sure he understood too.

 

But at the end of the day he is a guy and guys do theses silly things. And us gals to do as well but we just don't see it.

[charmed]

Hey !

 

Trust? If this relationship is over - and she does say "she WAS with this man", then what is this trust about?!!

 

It doesn't matter if she trusts him or not - because it is none of her business !! It is the same as me saying that I got upset when I heard that my ex-girlfriend (whom I split up with a few years ago) was acting like a tart in a club. I did hear this, and I wasn't really phased by it. In saying that, if I had of heard about that a few months after we split up, then I might have been a little more effected by it. My point here is that my attachment to the situation is purely in my own head if I'm getting upset by it after a break up - and that is my own problem, not my ex's !!

 

Also, my ex was acting the tart on camera here, and forrestsdoll's guy simply went for a drink with his brother !!! I really don't see the problem with that !>??

[forrestsdoll]

I was still with him at the time though. Do you know how mad he would have been if I wouldve went and seen male strippers? I'm not upset over this now, I was just wondering if me reacting like that was the right thing to do, with us still being a couple.

[DREAM]

Well charmed trust is needed cos at the end of the day she would not have gone cos she knows he would not like it and she trusted him to do the same.

 

And forrestsdoll I think you had the right to be upset. Cos at the end of the day, it woks both ways.

[charmed]

OK, so you split up with him less than one month ago, and this happened when you were together. So what are you going to do - nothing really. Your relationship has ended, and while he did this when you were together, again, it is immaterial now as the relationship has ended. That is of course, if it has indeed ended.

 

In saying that, I'm still confused about the nature of your relationship.

Q.1 Are you together or not ?

Q2. Were you together when he told you this?

[forrestsdoll]

When he went to the bar with his brother we were still together, when he told me about it we were together. It wasnt until two days after he told me that we BOTH decided to go our separate ways for a while to figure things out.

[charmed]

OK - Thats better. You should have said that this is what broke you up !!

Now I will write on this again

 

You have to wonder why he told you. Was it to break you up? I wouldn't bring up something like that unless I had a reason. What exactly are you trying to figure out now while you are going your separate way?

 

Are you OK with this? Can you be OK with this? Has it actually done any harm? I suspect that the problem is rooted in jealouy and trust here. Do you trust him? Did you trust him before this happened?

 

You said that he might not have been so understanding if you had went to a male strip club. Well, there are many, many girls in relationships who go to strip shows, and their boyfriends are OK with it. There are also many guys who have gone to strip clubs and their girls are Ok with it. There was no harm done. What is the threat - your husband will see a naked woman? Or do you think something happened? You felt threatened by this gogo bar - why? What was so bad about it? Would you have a problem with your husband watching Basic Instinct? Where do you draw the line, and why do you draw it?

 

This has all happened very recently obviously, so you really do need to figure out what you want. Do you want him, and are you willing to live with this? You may have lost a good man by your insecurities for your relationship with him - and that would be a tragedy.

 

I have given you some food for thought here. This has broken your relationship up - and you should figure out as soon as possible what you want to do about it.