Well, I don't really know where to start. I need some help/advice.
I have really severe problems interacting with other people. My problems started a long time ago when my family moved and I changed schools. I was very well liked in my old school. On the first day at my new middle school, I was beat up on the playground because the head of the popularity club lied and said I hit her. For this, I was routinely beat up on until high school. By the time high school came around, almost no one associated with me "because no one else did." I had one real friend in high school that I could go to.
Our friendship extended into a few of my college years but ended because he wasn't exactly what I would consider to be a good person. He doesn't respect women, insults people and can have a hot temper at times. Then one day he became interested in my sister. In addition to other despicable aspects of his personality such as a hatred toward homosexuals, I didn't trust him with my sister. So that's where things between us basically ended. It took me a lot of years to get fed up with his awful qualities, but one day I decided I had to cut some of the bad out of my life.
In high school, no one would allow me to eat with them at lunch, so I ate lunch in the bathroom. I never went to a high school dance or football game. I had (well, have) self esteem problems because I have bad acne. It started in high school and continues today. (I've been in treatment for a number of years, but I'm so scarred up now that it doesn't matter much). So I never got up the nerve to ask a girl to a dance, and I had no one to go to other high school functions with. I kept to myself completely, because there was no one.
When I enrolled in college, I was optimistic that I could use it as a new start, but it never happened. I guess I never overcame my experiences from middle/high school. I don't know how to associate with people. I can't think of things to say in conversation. It sounds so incredibly stupid -- "just talk," right? But I can't. Words don't come out.
I have aquaintences in college (though they're thinning out as everyone graduates), but no one that I would consider a friend. No one that I would feel comfortable going to with a problem. No one to call to go out with on a weekend.
In my first two years of college, I got a bit bolder and asked out a few girls. I've been on a few dates. None have ever turned into a second date. I'm 21. I've never had a girlfriend nor been kissed. I figure that girls can tell and don't like it (if I had been more fortunate growing up, I'd probably hold the same view). I want someone to hold -- someone to curl up with. Someone who, though they could be out doing anything else -- would rather be in my company. To pour some salt on this, I was born on February 14th, and it's coming up. This magnifies my feeling of loneliness every year, which is probably what's driven me to post here today. I know everyone has to be born sometime, but it's ridiculous.
I feel that I'm very behind in my social development and experiences, and that it serves as a continuing handicap. I mean, say the impossible were to happen and some girl were to ask me to a club tonight. Woops, I can't dance. Say someone were to call me up and ask me to shoot some hoops. I never had friends to do it with, so I never learned. I'm going to be 22 in two weeks.
As a freshman and sophomore in college, I "thought about suicide but would never actually do it," if that makes any sense. I don't want people reading this to be getting any ideas here, so I've got to establish that I would never be stupid enough to do that. All problems work themselves out, even if it takes years. In fact, in high school I had to convince someone's girlfriend out of suicide after she was raped. My attitude, which I presented to her, is that once you're dead, YOU DON'T KNOW that your problems are gone, so what the hell's the point? Work on your problems and BEAT them instead of giving in. Nothing is ever THAT bad. I hold that viewpoint to this day. OK, that concludes the disclaimer.
In my junior year of college, I was tired of trying to get girls and friends (didn't seem to be working, so I figured give it a rest), so I turned my attention elsewhere. I wanted to substitute for it by building meaningful ties with my family. My cousin graduated high school last year. I showed up at her graduation (they knew I was coming ahead of time -- I didn't just drop in). Everyone said it would be great to see me, blah blah. My other cousin, her brother, will be graduating high school next year. After what happened, I'm not sure if I should go to his. I went to their house with Kennywood tickets for all of us as a graduation gift. For those of you outside of Pennsylvania, you may or may not know that Kennywood is an amusement park. I had a heart-to-heart with them and said it was very important to me that we not grow up not knowing each other, and they agreed. So Kennywood. On me. We'll have a fun time, right? They mailed the tickets back to me a week later. The envelope was not even addressed to me and it had no note inside. I haven't talked with either of them since. If I'm not the one to initiate every contact, there won't be any. It's the same way with every person I know in college.
Then I ran into another cousin of mine where I used to work. We exchanged phone numbers, I left messages, I got nothing. Not one call. I'm completely alone. It's not just a feeling -- I literally have no one. I'm not even close enough with my parents to discuss these sorts of things. I'm a senior in college now -- my life should not be like this. Never even been kissed? What the hell IS this? I've seen a counselor and he made me feel worse about myself. I figured that at least family would accept me, but I get nothing but rejection from every angle. I don't think I'm a bad person. Please, I need advice.
