Ivan

You are all right of course, and that's probably why I came here, to have others tell me what I probably already knew. I guess I have never encountered a situation quite like this...one where any avenue will cause pain regardless. I will take all the advice given and do the following: 1. Truly evaluate my relationship and see what I can do, if anything to change it. 2. Be honest with my wife and go through a proper break up if nothing can be resolved. 3. Treat this incident as a situation that forced me to finally deal with what I have been feeling for a while now. 4. Give up on any type of confessional to the 'other' girl. The more I think about it the more I realize that any kind of relationship with a friend of my wife wife (even with a proper break-up before hand) would probably never work. I don't know her true feelings (just little signals that my mind probably overhyped in my excited state) and getting a 'your crazy' look from her if I said anything is probably the exact thing that would happen. Thanks for all the comments folks. I think at this point I am at a cross-roads and need to sort things out. Regardless of what I want, I have to handle this the proper way and go through all the motions. It was just nice getting this off my chest...

subset 2: 1.) who is older? you or your wife? how many years? I am 5 years older than my wife. (27,32) 2.) how accesible is this new woman? Ah, there's rub. She is a friend of my wife's and most of the time I see her through her. I really don't know how I would gain access to her even to just talk, without raising some suspicions. I am not actively seeking an affair just for the hell of it, if I wanted to cheat, I would just find a way to do it I suppose, with some other woman. But, with her I feel like I would if she gave me any indication. It really is about her, not just a desire to cheat in general. I have not acted on anything I have said so far and my wife has no clue what I have been feeling up to this point. So far, it has just been in my mind, which is why I needed to get some anonymous advice to some degree. If I'm being crazy, then I need someone to say that I suppose, its amazing what the mind can rationalize doing without thinking of the long term...

A couple of questions: 1.) Why isn't your current relationship satisfying? My wife has become physically and emotionally distant over the years. I have tried to deal with this but she sees no problems. Being close to her is very difficult because of this, although it wasn't like this when she was younger. It almost feels like she has always been like this but was willing to deal with it more when we were in a more 'court-ship' phase of our relationship. I think she has settled into what makes her happy but I'm just not like her in that area. I, like most husbands, would like to kiss or even touch my signifigant other at times but she makes even this aspect difficult. It's not just a matter of not having sex very often, its more of the emotional distance that I have felt growing because of our lack of any intimacy at all. 2.) What single thing do you like most about the new girl (doesn't have to be in one sentance) The way she makes me feel alive in some ways for lack of a better term. She has similar sensibilities, thoughts and desires that I have and she has no hang ups about affection in any way. Its a lot of things that I have noticed while getting to know her. But believe me, it is not a case of simple sexual attraction solely. 3.) What single thing do you like most about your wife? She is very responsible. She has a no-nonsense approach to life and she gets things done without too much fanfare.

If your referring to the friend, no, it was something that hit me when I first met her (a strong attraction) but as I have gotten to know her it has grown. It is not a typical situation where I am just sexually attracted to her, in fact, that is one of the least important aspects of why I am so into her. I think your right, I haven't been honest. I have been in a relationship that wasn't satysfying. But, the apparatus that is built around a marraige (friends, family, etc.) make it difficult to realize or act on a feeling as time goes on. Meeting her friend made me realize all of this I suppose. I don't know if this was bound to happened because of my unrealized disatisfaction or not at this point, I think ultimately it points to me having to deal with my marraige problems of course, but at the bottom of all this is a real desire to let this other person know...

I have never done something like this before but I thought I would give it a try. I have been wrestling with an issue for a while now with no resolution so far. I'm gonna try to keep the background info short and sweet, but I feel its needed to fully understand the parameters of what I am asking. I have been married for 6 years and do love my wife but I feel that we have grown apart in some ways. As we have gotten older she has become less interested in intimacy and really doesn't seem to mind. When I say intimacy, I'm not just talking about sex, its far worse than that. She can't even handle basic kissing or even touching to a large extent. This baffles me because she didn't seem to be like this when we were first together. I have tried everything, being more attentive, fashioning intimacy more towards her tastes and comfort level, etc. You name a healthy way to solve this and I have tried it. She is a wonderful woman and has a great capacity for nurturing but really doesn't have much desire to change or comprimise in this area. As a result, I have begun to feel distanced from her emotionally without even realizing it. I say without realizing it because recently I ran into a situation that I am having a hard time getting past...at least from an emotional or mental position. I met a friend of my wife's a while back and this is nothing new. My wife works in the fashion industry and has many female friends, many of them attractive. I have never been tempted by them (aside from a typical mental acknowledgement that they were attractive) in a typical sense. None of them have ever forced me to re-evaluate myself. But as the last two years have progressed I think that the emotional distance I have had from my wife has not been as obvious as it has recently. This friend of my wife's has really thrown me for a loop though. I mean, the moment I saw her I felt something that was more powerful than anything I had ever encountered. Sounds silly, especially to me, and I did try to blow it off quite aggressively, but its still there and growning everyday. Its to the point that I have had to fight myself not to be a little crazy and just tell her about my feelings. This is the last thing I can imagine doing that would help the situation due to the possible (more than likely, absolute) consequences that would result. But, at the same time, I feel like if I don't say someting or do something about it soon, then I would end up being a cheater regardless, albiet an emotional cheater at this point. This isn't fair to me, my wife or anyone else that would be centered around this. Confusing problem, I know, but I had to get some type of input from someone. Maybe by doing this I can deal with it, ignore it and go on. Who knows. But, as rational a person as I have always been (And I have never, I repeat, never done anything that would be haphazard or crazy) I can't deny the effect this is happening on me. I know I need to deal with this in an appropriate way, but how I can do this and still get what is in me out, is a complete mystery to me. In some ways, if I could just tell the other woman about my feelings, but in confidence, it would at least help me close the book on that situation, regardless of whether she felt the same way or not, which I doubt she would. Again, I am not obsessive, crazy or irrational, but I do feel that I am trapped in an irrational situation that is causing me to think irrational thoughts. Any advice to my speech above would be appreciated. Thank you...