Joie

SuperDave, It's amazing this thread is still going and that you continue to help people with NC. I'm not quite sure what I want to say. I'm feeling a lot of pain from my relationship ending, but I think I was in even greater pain when my ex and I were together. I've never been very good at relationships and I've always seemed to be in or getting over one. I guess you could call me a serial monogamist. After years of watching the pattern repeat, I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I use relationships to avoid the work I need to do on myself. I remember the time just before my ex and I became romantically involved. We were good friends for over a year. I spent a lot of time working and exercising and was feeling pretty good about myself. The transition from friends to lovers was abrupt. And I think because both of us were in the early stages of practicing taking good care of ourselves, our relationship was very rocky for the year we were together. Our break up a month an a half ago was mutual, but there wasn't any discussion, just sort of a blow up. I think we both care very much for each other, but can't tolerate the negative behaviors of the other person. I'm often a walking ball of stress who rains pessimism (i.e. I'm no fun). And he has deep seeded fears about working on projects with other people and generally being relied on to do what he says he will do (i.e. He's not responsible). I don't know what's going to happen between us, whether we'll come back to the relationship after some growing time, rekindle a friendship, or move on for good. What I do know is that while I truly love my ex, I wasn't happy most of time in our relationship because I wasn't happy with myself. And isn't that what matters most? Feeling comfortable in your own skin. My ex can't give that to me no matter how much he loves me and vice versa. Reading this thread happened at an important time for me. Part of me desperately wants to lure my ex back with assurances that we can work things out if we stay together, but in my heart I know that the work we need to do must be done alone and for ourselves, not the relationship. The only way I can do this is with NC. Instead of thinking about my ex, I can focus my attention on: (1) my career, (2) quitting smoking, (3) taking care of my home, (4) exercising, and (5) regularly rewarding myself for my hard work with things like a night out, a massage, a new haircut, etc. I know this will help me feel better and, once it becomes the norm, I doubt I'll want anything to do with my ex if he hasn't similarly used our time apart. I think it helps me know that it isn't a question of feeling--I know we love each other--but of skill. Keeping the commitment to care for myself will be the most difficult thing I do in my life. Letting go of the outcome it will have on my relationship with my ex is essential.