Imagine

It's funny...when I was 22, I got involved with an 18-year-old girl and it seemed like we were ages apart. Now I'm 35 and I find myself interested in an 18-year-old girl I met recently, and the age gap doesn't seem that important. It just depends on the individuals.

I assume that iceddenali33's post was a typo about the 7 year old. 27? 37? Surely not 7.

It totally depends on the circumstances of the breakup. If the breakup involved certain "things," there may be no hope for the future, and thereforeeee it would be better to stop seeing her to stop delaying the recovery process. But, people often break up for the most insane/stupid reasons, so there may be hope for a future. Maybe you could use these little encounters to remind her of how great you are

When somebody feels compelled to end a relationship for religious or family reasons, it doesn't mean she loves you any less. Religion and family are extremely powerful forces. I wouldn't push her (but obviously, you're not) but yes, definitely send the birthday wish, and make yourself available for her to come to you if she wants to talk about it. I think you might have to let her sort this out on her own terms, which means leaving the ball in her court while making certain she knows that you still want what you once had.

In other words, if she can accept what's happened physically between the 2 of you and she can decide on her own that it's ok, and that you can still build a life together, then all is good. It's very hard to defy one's religion when it's been programmed into your brain since birth, but it's also very hard to give up something perfect. Of course she wants to see you.

P.S. If it does work out, I would advise saving sex for after the marriage this time.

Good luck, man.

Have you told your wife that it's making you uncomfortable?

I know for certain that I send mixed messages, even when I'm extremely interested in a woman. Throughout my lifelong battle against crippling shyness, times when I've fought through it and tried to be perfectly clear about my feelings have often resulted in huge setbacks. thereforeeee, when I'm interested in someone, I tend to be pretty reserved and tragically non-committal in showing it. This is, of course, fairly discouraging to anyone who might be interested in me, and most women I've been involved with are the outgoing-dominant type, and have probably been unconsciously attracted to me because I seemed controllable, easy to manipulate, as extremely shy people often are.

Any woman who would question my interest is far from "retarded." And if I'm giving mixed signals, I have to accept the probability that the woman will relay those mixed signals right back at me.

Also, for some people, even though the signals are pretty clear, lack of confidence makes it hard to accept even the obvious. But I have to admit, I've used the word "retarded" to describe myself in situations like that more than once

In this situation, "let's be friends and see what happens in the future" means "let's continue to build our relationship while I continue to build at least one other relationship and keep both (or all) indefinitely by lying to every single other person involved."

Well, I'm glad she was honest with you. She was pretty direct in saying that her feelings for you are not what they used to be, and are not the same as yours for her. You can't get much more honest than that.

Like everybody says, you'll be fine...just takes time.

If she wants to spend time with you now, what exactly was she trying to eliminate from her life by "breaking up with" you? Did she not want the commitment? Did she want to spend less time with you, but not zero time with you? Did she feel she was unable to be a good girlfriend because of work or whatever, but she feels she could be an adequate friend?

It seems that she still wants you in her life, but there's something else she wants that she doesn't think she can have as long as she has the "girlfriend" label. Some people tend to say and do whatever they have to do to arrange the exact scanario they want, and they get upset with anyone who messes up their plan.

The advice is simple and it's the same for pretty-much any problem: just be 100% honest and complete with your feelings/thoughts. Once you've explained your stance, the ball's in her court; back off until she can figure out how to form a relationship with you without the pain.

Imagine

Well, that's a nice letter....

You're basically telling her that you still love her and you'll be waiting for her while she has her other relationship. If that's true, and that's the message you want to send, then you said it eloquently.

The complete truth is always best, and even though it can be humiliating if it doesn't work out the way you hope, when you tell the complete truth you never have to re-think yourself in the future. Send that letter and she'll know you want her back.... If that's the truth, the truth can't be bad.

Good luck,

Imagine

Well, I'll tell you what: I've been in this situation twice myself. The first time, I positively found out that she had built a secondary relationship for a month before we broke up. Once I found that out, I felt 100% better about the whole thing; I realized that she was no good and I was so much better off without her.

The second time it happened was over 3 years ago, and I still don't know what happened. I would have done anything for the knowledge you have, but I had no way of knowing for certain. The point is that you're lucky, so use the knowledge you have and just move on. If she comes back, you've got something to consider there.

Imagine

There's typically no grieving time when you build a secondary relationship before your primary relationship is over. Ending the primary relationship to focus on the secondary relationship doesn't usually involve much pain, if any. I'm not saying your girlfriend was positively cheating, but it sure sounds like the new guy was there before you were gone. Know what I mean?

Imagine

You're already headed in the right direction, identifying your part in messing things up.

A letter is a great idea. It gives you a chance to explore and organize all your own thoughts on your own time without danger of reacting to something he said, etc. You may be surprised at what's on your own mind when you take the time to sit down and write it all down. And the complete truth is never a bad thing; once he understands exactly where you're coming from and what you want, the ball is in his court.

Hope you get what's best for you,

Imagine

Well, it sounds like maybe she called to get her stuff.

You might need to tell her that you don't want to hear about her new boyfriend, but if she's happy with him, you probably won't be hearing much from her at all anymore

Just move on, man. Most of us have been there, and it does get better.

Dragon makes an excellent point: if she was really "The One," you probably would have treated her differently. Ex's always seem greater when you miss them; your emotions make you think you lost something wonderful, and all you can remember is the good times and the good feelings. Once you've gotten over it, you look back and realize you're better off. I'm not saying I'm 100% certain that's the case here, but it's the typical scenario.

That said, a simple friendly birthday email is pretty benign and it's considered simple good manners. She'll know you remembered and you still exist, but she won't feel crowded.

Imagine

I would say it's definitely her move at this point. You made your point; you like her. She said what she said. Give her your phone number and ask her to stay in touch, but make it a quick thing. Don't make her think you don't like her anymore, but don't push it. Make sure she knows the ball is in her court, but make sure she knows you'd be ready to play

Hi Bamabelle,

I'm guessing that he is used to you jumping at his whim? When you were involved with him, would you jump when he made those short-notice calls? Have there even been times since you broke up that you've jumped at those calls?

It seems to me that he was feeling lonely or whatever and he was expecting you to jump at the chance to spend time with him, and when you didn't, he was disappointed and hurt. My guess is that he doesn't really want to stop calling you because you're too much trouble; he probably just wants you to be "less trouble." In other words, he wants you to start jumping to him again.

How long were you with him? Why/how did you break up? What does your instinct tell you?

Good luck,

Imagine