Moonchill

Hmmmz...

Queens of The Stone Age is playing in your city. I know you will be there.

I'd love to come too and bump into you,to see how you would react.

Hmmmzz...

Anyhow they are also playing in other cities and I don't have the money. Going to a concert to bump into you would be pathetic of me wouldn't it

it!

NC day... I lost count

I'm not looking back anymore to figure out which day of NC this is.

I've had a busy, active weekend. It's been good for me.

But now I'm tired and I feel withdrawn...

There are a lot of things that remind me of him.

In that short amount of time that we had together I have a few precious memories so bumping into things that remind me of that ,which I did a lot yesterday, makes me feel nostalgic, bút nostalgic in a good way.

When you are hurt from a break-up you almost forget the good times you had with each other.

Ofcourse I don't have a lót of good memories, because it was not a very long lasting relationship,

but the ones I have make me smile instead of cry now.

Woohoo,progression!

For those who failed to maintain No Contact..

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

We only dated for such a short amount of time, why am I still hurting this much? Why I am still thinking about you and missing you? It feels like I'm not ready yet to succesfully move on and let go..

I should have............

It doesn't matter anymore does it. What's done is done, I need to move on. I can't do I should have done at that time. I can't act the way I should have act and..

I am sorry for burning my own bridge!

But the bridge is burned. It's truly burned down.

Can't wish for ashes to become a bridge again,can I....

I can not deal with your confusion, you can not deal with my lability.

simplyme01, it's a really good thing you make plans for the weekend even though you'd rather stay alone. I've also got plans for this weekend and need to kick myself in the ass for following through

Aw simplyme01, don't you have any fun plans made for the weekend?

Day 31

Making art to distract myself from you, it helps me focuss and think about things in a calm way.

Nonetheless I miss you a bit and am not as social active as I used to be.

My toothpain is gone so that makes me a bit happier but still.. this day actually kind of sucks.

Even though the sky is blue and the birds sing, in my head it doesn't feel like spring

It felt safe for me because I was invading his world, his space.. and felt very welcome there ( maybe too much?) But to be honest : if he would invade my world that fast.. I would not feel comfortable with it at all.. I would also back away and ask for space. That's why a long distance relationship felt good for me.. I didn't have to let him become close to my world.

When I read this back I realise it's not normal, it's not the most standard desire someone has but I guess I'm not the most simple person out there to have a relationship with

Your relationship only lasted 2 mos.? That seems kind of short compared to other LTRs.

 

Not minimizing your pain, but I read the pain is greater if the relationship goes 3 mos. or more. My devastating breakup was after 6 mos.

 

You must've fallen too hard for this guy.

That's true , I absolutely fell too hard for him.

The funny thing is.. at the beginning he was the one that was very in love and.. was falling faster in love than I did but when I fell very much in love with him.. he started backing away from me and pulling back. It might be strange that a short relationship has quit the impact on me but it also intense. (here's a bit of background on it

I was imidiately introduced to his friends and his bandmembers the first time I saw him and we fell for eachother imidiately.. it was love at first sight

I was staying the whole weekend at his place at that time ( he had a picture of his ex on the refridgerator, that should have been a warning sign for me ) But I felt so comfortable at his place, it's strange but I really felt at home there. A week after that I spend a week at his place. Which was very long when I look back because we didn't knew eachother that long but it worked out perfect. Really.. Sometimes he did his own thing and I did mine but it still felt good! Back then I put in very much effort. I cooked lovely meals for him.. spend much time listening to his band repititions..

We didn't get irritated for spending that long with eachother or something. He said to me that time"wow it's amazing how good we connect it's like we're made for eachother" Back then we were both comfortable with the speed we went in but he said" it's going very fast!" Which I agreed with but I asked him" is it going too fast for you? Because it's ok to point that out, I can understand" And he was like "ohh no no it's fine" ( but it wasn't , he didn't dare to communicate about it) But afterwards he said he felt smothered. But at that time he didn't let me notice it! He pretended it was all fine and ok and he was so in love.. So he lead me on. But when he told me he felt smothered from the beginning ... When I thought he was so in love with me and there was nothing wrong... I felt kind of betrayed and I felt like a fool for not noticing it. That's why I was very angry and upset about it. Now I'm just upset with myself for not dealing well with his feelings. He said he was not breaking up with me just pointing out it went way too fast and he needed to have some space, he needed me to take a step back.. I thought he was breaking up with me because he used all those cliché lines.. that why I draw the line , I didn't want him to confuse me more because I knew that would be bad for me and said "íf you don't know what you want from me, let's leave each other alone"

Sometimes the faster you fall in love with each other and the the more intense the relationship is... the shorter it lasts. For me that was the case.

Bet you never thought DENTAL pain would be preferable to emotional pain.

Fortunately, dental pain ends fairly quickly compared to the other, much longer-lasting variety.

 

True but to quote (and translate) Johan Cruyff ( dutch soccer player) here "every downside has it's upside"

one whole month of NC

And many more to come I may hope! Made an appointment with the dentist.. because of that tooth pain and I am scared as hell but I must undergo the pain or else it will get worse. But that fear is also a good distraction from him so that's the only benefit. I'm still not where I want to be. To be honest I have been too passive and have a lot of things I want to improve. Being assertive about dental treatment is a start I guess. Brrrrr After 2 months ( haha that's also the duration of the relationship but ok ) I will do a review about this whole NC process

day 29 of NC

I caved in, had to look at his FB profile and the FB profile of the band.

Fortunately nothing has changed, he didn't get a new nice profile picture, I didn't see new pictures on the band page of him drumming. Yes I know he is a handsome man but I'm happy I didn't see new pictures of him because that would set me back.

Ok I admit it, this also sets me back a bit but I am just relieved I didn't see anything hurtful. I'm one day away from completing the challenge! And I really want to contact him to say to him how sorry I am for not dealing with the expression of his feelings on a mature way. Instead I... * sigh* I did not handle it good at all. But would it be a good thing to contact him? I guess I am doing him a bigger favour ( and I guess I'd do myself a bigger favour too) to stay NC.

That's why I've decided to extend the challenge with another month of NC and I will keep posting on this site because that helps me keeping it up.

Haha thanks Apple, you get it! The same thing happened to me! And then they say women are complicated.. rrright Never underestimate a complicated man.

day 28

Freaking out because of toothpain (not that has anything to do with my ex)

Feeling better than yesterday.

The whole "I just can't understand it" panic has settled. Even though it's valentines day , I don't feel the sting of being lonely.

I might be alone but I don't feel lonely

I agree with you FloridaMan, it's good advice indeed. But because of my own experience I guess I can't wrap my head around the following line completely:

"The point is, your ex could both love you and feel smotherd at the same time"

But your story, Janeiac, gives me surely a lot of stuff to think about

Even though I really didn't behave the way your ex behaved ( thank god) I understand your advice. Thanks for reading my whole rant. Still it's difficult for me to understand because I feel that the feeling of being in love and the feeling of being smothered by the other do not match very well you know.Maybe because I have been on your side was well ( my other ex was really smothering me) but afterwards I know I felt he was smothering me because I was not as much in love with him as he was with me. That's why when I heard him talk about me smothering him I imidiately jumped to the conclusion he was not as much in love with me as I was with him ( and unfortunately felt the need to fake being in love ). But as you said it can work the other way around to (it can make you feel less in love indeed).

I don't think it will be good for me to get back together with him because I don't think I can give him the space he wants when on the other hand acting very in love with me. English is not my first language so I find it very difficult to explain to you exactly what I mean but this was a try

I just want to take back saying I typed some hurtfull things to him in an email. I just re-read the last email I send him and you know what, it says exactly what I still mean! It's a very powerfull email and I do not regret it anymore. I just need to rant about this so here comes:

He said to me he felt smothered all along! I can't believe it. I really want to feel indiffrent towards him but I can't because I can not get my head around it how you can fake being in love with someone. How can you be so cruel. How can you fool not only me but yourself telling yourself you're in love with me when the truth is you feel smothered by me. It hurts so bad that I believed him and his lies. I can't believe he faked his feelings for me all along!

I don't know why but suddenly it hits me again. It hits me hard because I can not find logic in this. I can't understand it! I don't know how to believe someone else again with "being in love with me". I can't believe he really faked it all along for what? It was a long distance thing.. if you fake feelings for love why don't you search it nearby you?!

Atleast he was being honest at last about one thing. But that happens to be the thing that hurts me and confuses me the most.

Does someone know an anwer to that? ( I doubt it) Why would a man that feels smothered by your attention fake being in love with you for 2 whole months?

It's not only that he said he was in love.. he just seemed so in love! Just the way he looked at me.. the way we made love.. the way he hold my hand and didn't want to let go... the way he whined about me leaving.. or the way he whined to me because he missed me so much. I feel betrayed even though he didn't cheat. I don't know why it suddenly bothers me again but it does.

Just when I thought I was doing better... BAM...

It's a good thing I saved that email.. just a reminder that I had a good reason to be upset, even though I'm not happy with being upset all over again. Dawr!

NC day 27 already

Just cycled for a few hours to collect some stones for my art project. After that I walked a half hour on the beach.

Now I've got that rush you get after moving a lot.

I'm feeeeeeeeeeeeling good!

Decided to visit my grandmother on valentines to give something I made for her

Darling,

I miss the way you called me darling. I want you back. But I refuse to give in to that. I won't. It's over. I thought we had so much potential but what use is it to spend energy and give attention to someone who does not receive it in a positive way. It's no use at all. Why can't I let you go?

Ps. Don't you guys get sick of all the valentines day commercials? I know I do!

Day 26 of NC

I went to the cinema with friends yesterday, it was fun. Watched a Coen brothers movie ( Tru Grit) and it was a very funny movie

Even though I had fun sometimes my mind wondered of to him .. then I just kicked myself out of it to concentrate on the movie..

A friend of mine was dumped on a very very cruel way.. and yet he is now dating other people again. I have respect for that but I don't feel ready to do the same.

Sunnz, deleting stuff of him is a very good ritual isn't it ! Makes you feel strong indeed. I bought a new wristband so I don't the one with his perfume on it agan.

Although I feel very lazy today ( I slept way too much!) I am just going to drink a few cups of coffee and watch some How I met your mother and other stuff that makes me happy.

Haha Anthony, to be honest I can laugh about your rant. Don't feel sorry for it. It's just só typical.. people really have a blind spot when it comes to their own behaviour. Self reflection is not meant for everyone

Anthony, you are very right, anger is part of the healing. It's just a phase in which i do NOT recommend contact your ex ( I did that and I really regret it, I said some awefull things because I was so emotional). Not to lecture you by the way.. But it is so tempting to just call them or email them and spam them with how you feel and what you think at that moment.

Day 24

I miss him less than before. I think about him, but it's less than before. Just have to avoid the wristband with his perfume on it.And his pictures ( although last night I could picture it in my mind).

After a while I will forget what he looks like... after a while I will forget his smell, his voice, his sillyness... Not completely forget but it will fade. I know it will fade. Buried away deep in my mind..

Sounds sad but hey, he's not dead. If I want to remind myself of him and bring back memories, I can always meet up with him in the future ( if he would like that, which I doubt). But for now, him fading away out of my mind is what I wanted. That's the reason I begun NC. It takes time and distraction.

day 23

Doing better... just working on my own stuff.

I'm not really going out much lately, strange enough I used to go out alot with friends when I was in a relationship. Because I was in a long distance relationship going out with friends was my way of not missing him that much. But I really don't feel like going out... I must go do it anyway because who knows, I might have fun. But to be honest I'd much rather sit at home, watch movies/series/read books.. I've got my dog to keep me company, he's so sweet when he sleeps on my lap

Day 22

Not a good day. Not only do I miss him, the thing I miss more was the way I was while being in love with him. Full of energy and creative. Exploring and happy... He said I had this special glow...

I feel like I just lost that glow.. I want it back..

I know I can be this way being single too but to be honest right now that seems like.. it's so far away from how I am and feel right now.

But nagging about it and doing nothing against it doesn't help , I know, but I just feel like nagging

Darling,

I'm so sorry I overreacted.

Your words have meaning to me.

I don't hate you.

I don't love you either.

But I miss you...

And I wonder how things could have been..

If I didn't react so irrational and emotional..

If I could understand your fear of commitment..