Moonchill

Aha.. hmmhmmh.. gonna get along without you now!

(That's right mister, you never should have let me go!)

This is why we should go on with our lives while being amazing:

You're welcome! You can PM me anytime. I think you need to keep in mind that this :

"I was the initial dumper, just because of his refusal to compromise on a few issues that were important to me."

Is an important piece of the puzzle in your story. Don't forget about the things you think are important in a relationship. Times like these, when your weak from heartbreak, make your judgement softer.

Most people think it's easier to move on when the ex isn't a bastard but they are very wrong.

It makes is so much harder! My ex is just.. like your ex... " gentle, handsome, patient, kind and loving". He was perfect boyfriend material except for the fact he didn't think we matched. It makes it very very tough to move on. But don't forget love is worthless when it is out of balance. When it doesn't come from 2 sides.

If the love only comes from our side... It's just not good enough. And we can't change that. We really can't. We will have to accept it sooner or later ( for me it's "later" cause I have a hard time moving on)

I'm meeting with a former ex. The one that told me I'm "an amazing woman" , while I was with you. It was a wake up call for me to conclude my ex was more positive about me than you were. Anyway I'm meeting with him again just to see how he is. And if he's changed. If I feel anything at all for him. He was a closed chapter for me and I don't think I'll have any feelings for him again but it's just a friendly meeting. I hope he doesn't get his hopes up

I don't have any longing for making you jealous anymore. That's a good sign I think. I guess I can finally use the word progress again!

I'm making PROOOGRESSSS

The Imissyousomuch wave has passed. Now I'm doing ok again. I feel like you were an addiction to me. This site is a bit like a rehab-center.

I'm no longer craving for you. Craving for contact in any way. Finally I'm no longer disapointed when I see you still haven't contacted or anything.

But I do miss someone. Just not you in particular. Someone to hold me. Someone to do things with. I need to start making some new friends to fill that gap but...

No friend can fill the boyfriend gap.

Soon enough I will be visiting your city. Correction: a city that you happen to live in but do not possess!

I hope you won't recognise me because of my haircut. And if you do I should not give a ... about what you think about it.

And I do hope you won't express your feelings about it.. ( get real, Moonchill, it's just a haircut).

I should not make a big deal out of this. If I bump into you, I do. If not.. then not. I hope those thoughts about you won't ruin my day out there.

I don't know if I'm ready to visit this city again. But I'll never know if I don't take the plunge so I will. Let's see what happens. You never know whatchagonnaget

Outch! I'm hurting myself. Listening to that first song you played me. Everything comes back to me! The memory is só vivid that I can even see your room again. I smell your parfum. The sigarettes. You. Me. Our first kiss. Your wiskey glass. The taste of wiskey on your lips. I miss you so much please come back to me! I can't let go of such a fcking good thing.

This hurts so bad. I can't enter your room ever again because this is such a good memory it HURTS. I can't even imagine never turning back to the beautiful thing we had. It's been almost a year. I hope ... I don't know anymore.

It's amazing how óne simple song can set me back A LOT OF MILES. This is not normal people. I wish I .. but I can't stop listening to that song because in my heart... I don't want to let go of you at all.. I know it's the best for me because you are not coming back but I just can't. I want to but what if I can't?

Desperation. Now I'm just in pure desperation. All over again.

Thanks Blur... Thank you very much -_-

I totally agree. We ARE beautiful, interesting, intelligent, lovely people.

I think of it this way, we have a disease and ENA is like a hospital ward. We need to be patient and wait for it to go away. There is a cure, we are not terminally ill, but while we wait we should support each other. It's good for the heart.

That is just said in a beautiful way Aleina. Sharing the pain is a bonding experience. People out here know what we're going through.

Bút don't make the same fault as me for hanging on too long on this website. It's kind of addicting.. reading all those stories and to keep wondering about your own story.

When I decided to leave this website alone for a while to see if I would feel better. It actually speeded up my healing process.

But now I'm back out here because he send me an empty text message. Just a simple thing as that. But now I'm reflecting on my own behaviour I can only conclude I'm hangong on too long again on this website haha.

Guess it's time for an ENA break again 'cause I'm nót moving forward. I'm standing still.. ( atleast it feels that way).

But this thread is just wonderfull! It helped me a lot to keep NC.

This is actually a bit ridiculous, right?

I bet this thread is FULL of beautiful,intresting,intelligent, lovely people!

And yet here we are! Pining over our exes who.. instead of pining over us are just having a great time with their new loved ones or partying with their friends.

The heart knows no logic.

I bought this amazing gala dress. It makes me look like a bond girl. And here I am fantasizing of putting it on when I will go to the wedding of our friend. "Bumping" into you. *Sigh* sometimes I feel like such a superficial sad figure you know. I just want to let you go! Why can't I just let you go and move the F on?! And when I think back on how you dumped me.. I realize it was more me than you doing the dumping part. I was going all black and white. You were so vague with your whole "maybe we should be friends... " "but I don't want this to be over... " "I'm not dumping you..." "but we don't fit together"

I couldn't stand your vague bs but I do regret pushing you to decide to dump me or not. Maybe it was a bit my fault after all? I'm not good with uncertainty.. not good at all..

Maybe I don't miss you, maybe I just miss someone.. anyone. because I feel alone.

I need someone to share the things I love with.

My friends.. well I can't call them my friends anymore. It all turned out so hurtfull for me to lose so much friends to a fight.

I'm just a bit lost right now..

When you said to me "I'll always be there for you" I laughed out loud right in your face. Because I could not believe you actually would follow through with those words. But I never tested them. Secretly I'd love to just show up unexpected and... ask for a hug.

It's just... I'm weak at the moment..

I still get sad sometimes believing I'm never going to meet anyone who measures up to you--I'm intimidated by the future and other guys who I don't trust to stick by me in the long run. You seemed like a good choice--exactly in my league--but then you ditched me for Shrek and there is no going back. I really don't get it--she's like a pop culture sitcom family tv primetime nightmare who isn't even a knockout. I don't get it. She's like Conan O'Brien--or Oprah--seriously, I imagine her on the set of one of those shows as one of the talking heads or something--she'd be perfect for it--I can imagine her in her forties--wearing white pants and a brightly colored top and sensible sandals, a bit of that middle aged paunch beginning to show in her lower abdomen but still sporting her smooth, toned arms and legs--her cheeks so big and squirrel like they make her already small eyes seem to disappear, throwing back her head to laugh, her lower face almost disappearing into her neck except for that jutting chin. She seems so beneath you, she diminishes you into such a soulless, faceless member of the crowd. I got so depressed wondering why I don't measure up to her. I'm nothing like her.

This is just brilliant! Thanks meowwfor making me smile. You have a great sense of humor though I bet you wished this was all a big joke.

The thing that pops up in my mind right now is the fact that you received a twin sized bed from your parents right after you dumped me...

I guess it must have been difficult for you too. Lying alone in that big bed. Smelling my parfume accross your living room because I sprayed it on your lamp.

It must have been difficult having to explain to your friends why I would not join your vacation with the band.

It must have been difficult looking at all the things you bought because of me.

All the things I inspired you to do ( and I had a lot of inspiration)

Does my scarf still hang in front of your window?

If I could I would take a sneakpeak into your room to see how much of the stuff is still hanging there.

Is my hat still hanging there?

Is my painting still hanging there?

Are my vinyls still there?

Or have you deceided to throw it all away.

I don't know what I would prefer.

You throwing all my stuff away ( I texted you to give you permission to do that so.. )

Or my stuff still hanging around reminding you of me..

Ok I guess... I don't have your stuff around anymore because there was not much you gave me.

I gave much more than you did. Yes.. not only stuff but also love.

I am going to meet a good friend of mine in "your' city. And yes I'm guilty of the thought of... trying to be good looking just in case we might bump into each other and.. I can have my glorious "too bad, mister" moment. It's a year ago that I decided to "block "this city out of my life. You , your friends, friends of your friends and everything that has to do with you including this city. But now I feel I'm ready. I feel I'm ready to visit the city because it's now all about you anymore. It's about more than you. It's about a good friend that needs my companion. I guess you will be surprised seeing me and thinking "what the.. is shé doing here?". I hope we can just say hello and that's all. I'm not there for you. Maybe my 1% weakness is there for you just to see you but.. 99% is there for my friend. I can't believe it's been a year. It has passed so fast. I can't say I'm improved a lot though. Only in weight and condition. But not quit mentally. I need to work on that for myself and my future boyfriend. I don't want it to end as fast as our relationship did. Not that that was completely my fault but I know now it was for a part of it. Do I regret the pace? No. I don't regret any of it. It was a beautiful experience that made a lot of impact in such a short time. Part of me loves to see you again and speak to you but a big much much bigger part of me wants you to stay the closed chapter that you are. It's safer that way for both of us. So if you meet me, please just say hi and leave it at that ok.

I needed the shame, I needed the pain.

I need to feel nothing for you.

Now I can forget you , 'cause I'm done.

No complaints, I release my claim on your heart.

Take care, my beloved ex.

You're a closed chapter in my book of love.

Confession number 24839 : I fantasize about meeting you again "accidently" while I am looking beautiful and glowing and you will realize what a catch I was and want me back.

Yes it's pathetic. But still I'd love to make you regret it. I really really love to do that!

It would be an ego-boost. That's all. It won't do us any good for the long run it's just..

Ok it's bullsht.

I was the best girlfriend I could be while we were together. Doesn't get much better than this so.. If that still isn't good enough I should be STILL on this site whining over you.

I'm into tarot. At first the cards showed you were in sadness over me. You had regret. Who knows you've actually missed me. But now I just feel like you have moved on. It's strange but somehow I just know you've probably met someone else. So still holding unto this ( not on purpose, I'd love to let you go) feels pathetic. It's eats away my self respect. Maybe I should not give myself such a hard time. I thought I was moving on but everytime I fall back for no reason at all and it's frustration.

Now I'm making a promise to myself. Not to read any of the blogs about exes. Not to read and log into Enotalone. Not to read forums about people who are trying to move on from their ex. It only keeps me back. That's obvious. It's working ágainst me!

So this will be my last post and I just want to say.

Ex, I miss you so much! I do. I still do. You were everything I didn't know I want in a man. You were amazing. For the big part you were really. You blew me away! The way you hold yourself. The way you're living your life is just... It amazes me. I still put you on a pedestral about the size of an Eiffel tower! I'm watching "being human"and there's this girl that is a ghost that can't let go of her fiancé. She reminds me of myself. Not that you were my fiancé. Not that we even had a relationship. We dated for a few months but it felt like we were living together you know. When we were together another ex contacted me and said I was a wonderful woman and he missed me. He showed me more affection than you did! I wanted to tell you to make you jealous or something but then I thought .. don't do it, don't be so immature. So I didn't. But I wish you knew how... rare our thing was. It felt rare and special to me. Something you can't just throw away! Why did you threw it away?! I'm not like your ex. I would not cheat on you know. I wouldn't! You said you had commitment fear. That I was smothering you. But how?! How did I smother you. I thought I was taking a step back like you wished I did. I thought I was giving you space. I guess you want the whole universe of space. A universe between us. So I gave it to you. I said you know what... have it all! You wanted to break up with me but didn't have the guts and came with silly cliché lines like "we should be friends" oh sud off! You can't fool me. I'm glad I broke things off with you because you wouldn't have the strenght to be straight forward would you?

But the thing I most conclude after all this time is:

You are not coming back.

You will not reach out to me.

You will not come to me on a white horse and say you take it back.

You won't.

I won't.

It's over.

It's done.

I hope you appreciated the time we spent together because you are NOT getting it back. Atleast not now ( can't shut the door.. just can't)

Bye mister. Who knows we might meet again in a long time. Maybe I will get a wedding invite from your friend. But for now I should stop hoping we will. Just kill the hope. *poof*

Thank god this struggle is over!

Thank god you declined your friend request.

We both know it's for the best.

But the door is not completely shut.

Not that I hold hope for getting back together in the future.

But I do think it might be possible.

I won't rule it out.

I'm glad I can now focus on myself.

I don't regret having spent much energy on our relationship/

I don't regret all the money it took for me to travel back and forth all the time.

I know I said things like that in a very emotional state of mind but I don't.

Neither do I regret getting along with your friends so quick. Entering your life in such a fast pace. Being comfortable and decorating your home so soon. It's things like that that made that time rock!

First I did regret it, I thought it was the reason you broke up with me. But now I think * what íf I hold back, what íf I pretended I was someone else so you could handle me. It would not be fair to me , it would not be fair to you*

But there are lessons I learned.

- I would not let myself fall that hard, that fast. Atleast I would try to hold myself back a bit.

- Giving the other one space to give instead of receiving all the time.

- Not bombing the other with very personal information , that soon.

- You can't always get what you want, and if you try sometime, you might find.. You get what you need.

I still care about you and I wish you the best.

I wish there will be a time we will be able to meet and act normal towards eachother.

For now I don't want to take the risk of developing feelings for you again. You are now a chapter that needs to stay closed for a while. More time than I ever thought it would take me. This relationship was so short but so intense and had a lot of impact on me.

I'm glad the Canvas Project helped me to move along.

If there is anything important, you can always contact me. I still have my old number. I still care. I'm not angry anymore.

Take care, my love.

He took back his friend request on facebook just as I was ready to accept it. It bothers me. I know it's for the best for the both of us but it still bothers me. I guess he changed his mind about it? I took a peek into his facebook and saw he added the other ex. He did not have her as a friend while we were together and now he does. And that bothers me too. I know I do this to myself and I will stop it right away. I have not checked his facebook for a LONG TIME. Months and months. And now I know why. I should just slap myself, this really does not make any sense. It must seem like I'm holding on to him for fun, but it's not.

Let it go already, you're wasting your time! *slap*

Now my happiness wave is over.. I guess I'm disapointed you declined your facebook friend request. Hmmph why? Changed your mind? I took a peek into your facebook and saw you have befriended your other ex again. When you were with me you did not have her as a friend. Are you guys back together again? Why does this make me wonder again? Aw well never mind, you go ahead. I just know there is something up with that ex bút it not my bussiness anymore. That's what I know for sure. So just go ahead. Bump your head. Or who knows because of me you might have realized how good your relationship with her was. You compared me a couple of times to her and I think that says a lot.

^$%*&

But it's for the best. Not being friends with you. It would only make me want to play games with you. Trying to get you jealous or something. Nothing good will come out of it because I still have a weak spot with you. That's why I'd be better off not knowing whether you are back with her again or not. It's like I said none of my bussiness I know. I'm just.. curious..

Lucky I'm not a cat or else I'd be dead

Ok so I guess I was the only one singing then

(I'm sorry mods but I really needed to swear to make my point)

Do you feel it? Tide getting up again? O wait no.. you're not in my sea any more.. But guess what?!

It's not nothing, it's a big fat wave! A wave of possitivity! I'm getting back again, better than ever!

And no this time you can't surf on my wave anymore! Ha! It's me time! Full of energy, intrested in the world again. Finally! Got the guts again to flirt. To date. To see the possibility of getting my * * * * together. The possibility of getting into a new relationship somewhere in the future. It doesn't need to be near.

I'm gonna get dressed up again. I'm gonna be cute again. I'm going to look good. I'm going to paint my hair red. Yes red. Red with waves I won't go blond and get straight hair, I'M NOT YOUR EX ( yes you wished you were right, "Straight hair would look better on you" yeah.. * * * * you! * * * * your ex! * * * * the perfect blond straight hair!

Some day I'm going to run a half marathon. Because of you I started jogging and it has led me to climb out of my depression. Thanks.

Thank you, thank me. Thank Sara Bareilles and this song :

It makes me think like this. Should I just repeat it forever? Because I like my positivity wave!

From this point on I will put all the words and my desires towards you on a canvas. That's right.. I promised you to make a painting for you and this is how I will do it. Not that I will give it to you because by giving it to you I should trust you to take a peek into the one of the deepest chambre in my heart. And I thought, when I am done writing/painting all of those desperate/angry/dissapointed/sad words down. I will paint it over. I am sure this will be healing and therapeutic for me.

Ok so I just spend a few minutes checking some old/new videoclips of your band and that did me good!

Haha! You're just like a drumrobot. Drum monkey! You play your instrument without showing any emotion except for sweeping your hair. Hahaha just.... hahaha.. You should be in a kraftwork music video. You really should. Drumming like a drumrobot. I should do this more often. Although it's got a downside too because now I know how good looking you still seem to be. But still.. your face when you drum is just hilarious!

Now I finally figured out why I'm having this downfall after a long time of feeling good and feeling like I'm almost over you.

It's the season.

This season reminds me so much of you. The fall. Making walks through the beautiful colored forest.

The winter as well... keeping eachother warm. Holding eachother hands. Little things that were so big to me.

I miss you so much right now!

For the first time since a long time I feel like I might just cry.

She commited suicide. Can you believe it?! And my best friend broke things off with me. Is there something wrong with me? Where are you to guide me through these doubts and say : let them be.

And then there's my grandmother with her illness. I'm so close to her. And then there's my first ex marrying some English girl and moving to England. I don't think I'll ever see him again. And then there's my inability to run the 15 km I wanted. I'll just blurt out all the negative stuff on some website instead of bothering you with it but...

I'd like to scream :

I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW

Only the last time I did actually scream that to a friend I thought was a very good one .... he deceided to do the exact opposite of being there for me. He left me for a drink with the guys.

Yes I might sound very imature right now but I just like to scream that life is not fair. I'm angry at life. I can't get my act together for years. I just can't get things on the road. And as people around me are losing patience till I do. I'm finding it really hard to be patient with myself. To give myself the time I need. It takes so much time. It also takes so much more time to get over every relationship I have in life that it makes me wonder why I should even start with one. It takes me double the time to get over a relationship. Sometimes 4x the time or more. I'm sick of it. Sick of being so involved emotionally in everything that ends up hurting me.

People that like to be sensitive and feel the world around them don't know what they wish for.

Go Aqua, that's the spirit! You sound so strong and without doubt, keep it up