My girlfriend and I are basically broke up. I am out of town for business for another 5 days. She is waiting for me to get home, to give back her promise ring and leave me. She told me and she sounded very serious. We currently live together, so she told me she wouldn't be physically leaving right away and it may take a couple months or longer for her to separate our lives. I think this is too my advantage but maybe not. We have been an extremely close and intertwined couple.
This is really kiling me. I know, everyone says thing like move on, there will be others, or thing will work themselves out since you two love each other so much. This girl has been my life for 6 years. From the moment I saw her there was a close bond to her. She means more to me than anything else. I'm scared and hurt and I have no idea what to do next.
This is the situation. From about a couple months into our relationship she has had a problem with other girls. Actually she had it all along and I am certain the reason for it lies in her childhood. But that doesn't matter at the moment. When I say a problem with other girls, I mean that she doesn't want me to even be able to know if a girl is pretty or not. She says she would rather be alone forever than be with someone that is capable that. This argument has come up seriously, only a handfull of times. When it has I have basically tried to avoid answering the questions directly. I really haven't meant to do this. Ofcourse this is seen as me lying to her. Because I would dance around the question. I know it was the worst thing to do, but I feared, us talking any further each timewould cause terminal problems.
Well this is the event that caused all of this to come about now: I have had problems trusting her since she cheated on me. I have been slowly gaining confidence in my trust of her. I should mention hear that she is a model. I am a tiny bit of a jealous boyfriend like every healthy guy is, but I controlled it very well until she cheated on me. I have been slowly feeling better after we worked through it. I still had deep feelings of mistrust. I tried to keep them in check. then last week I found Model pictures of her and a model guy. They were fashion photographs not anything erotic of even nude or sheer. She wasn't home when I found them and I was hit by the deep feelings of mistrust when I saw them. I feeled betrayed again because she lied to me about a the purpose of a couple photo shoots, not because of the guy. She's a model and I understand events like that will happen in our relationship.
While searching the internet for the photographers and models forums and sites for any more things I had been lied to about, I started browsing other sites that did not pertain to my girlfriend. Many may say so what. But you have to understand that when she feels that I am interested in looking at another in any way, she is deeply hurt and pissed off. I was mainly curious, but she doesn't want to hear it.
I am so devoted to and in love with her. I fell deeply in love with her at the very beginning of our relationship. I truly feel no need to go out looking at other women. When ever my feelings of attraction come up see her. She is absolutely gorgeous. She is inteligent and sweet. She is exactly what I had dreamed of before we got together. I swear, when I fist saw her she had the exact face, sweetness and intelect of the girl of my dreams. The girl of my dreams was and is her. I have pictures of her with me at all times and I look at them constantly and that is what keeps me satisfied.
When my plane landed at my destination for my business trip, I immediately got a call. It was her, extremely upset at me because she had found what I had been looking at. The sites were basically photographer and models sites of fashion models. No porn or anything like that, but actually model photos. I did not start out looking for these pictures nor did I intend to, I knew how hurt she would be, but I was clouded by feelings of betrayal and pain. I did not get any personal gratifaction out of it either. I only felt sick about our relationship.
The problem right now is that she is leaving me because she now feels I am more like a typical guy that looks at every girl within 100 yards and she feels that is as bad as if I were a cheater. As I already stated of my love and devotion, all I really need is her and memories of her. It has now been 4 days that I have been gone and 4 days since this situation began. I know there are other problems that need to be delt with here(like the girl problem), but to start all I want is to be with her. She has told me that she deeply loves me and cares about me, but she doesn't think she can be in love with me anymore. We were so in love with each other before this and I still am with her. We have mainly had discusions about the pain and suffering of both of us. We have had a few conversations about our lives, family, the dogs, etc, that have been pleasant until something reminds her of why she is upset with me.
I did get needy while on the phone with her several times. I was only reacting in the only way I new how at the time. I am very shooken up that I am losing who was to me be my future wife and soul mate, my dream girl. I have been trying very hard not to do anything to make things worse, like talking about things that will make her upset or push her into a worse mood. I have not been doing very well at it. Last night she told me that she couldn't fool herself. She wouldn't be able to stay with me. She talked of how bad it hurts and how much it sucks because she loves me so much and we've had so much together. She said that when I get home she will break up with me and start seperating our lives so she can move out. She feels it's rude to leave me over the phone. But I feel like I've already been dumped. She said it would be months before she would even beable to touch me, like a hug. and even then she said it would only be because she cares about me, since she can no longer feel in love with me, but she wants me to know that she stills loves me more than anything.
I feel that I can't live with out her. It's ripping me to pieces. I don't know what else to do and I am 2000 miles away on top of that. I can not concentrate on anything here and I just feel a deep sickness in my stomach.
She said at some points in the conversation that she may be able to stick around at the house for up to 6 months, but told me it what just be hell for both of. She doesn't want me to look at her and doesn't want to even look remotely pretty. I told her I will never be able to see her as anything but pretty and that only upset her more. She understands that the girl issue is a big problem for her and one day she may actually take my advide and go to thearopy for it, but not with me, and if she resolves her issue, she still won''t come back to me because of the pain she feels from me. For now though she said that she feels like i have cheated on her, and that is how bad she feels about the girl issue.
I'm sorry for the length. I still don't know if I accurately described the situation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is killing me, slowly but surely.
Thankyou in advance.
