EmptySoul

haha nice like it

Good flow.

e.

Sad...

We're so lonely without people to share our life with, but it is so very hard to find someone worth the effort..

e.

I thought I'd come so far,

My love.

As easily as we fell into this

I just assumed my mind would do the same;

Fall in love for real and the rest is history.

But it's still here,

Whatever's wrong-

With me, that is.

The higher road, the better road...

It's so much harder

Than just..

Falling down the rabbit hole.

It's seeping in

Slow, some days..

Most, in a breath

Everything's all wrong

And undone.

(1 step forward

3 steps back)

If it could be carved out,

This...

Defective...

I can't find the words.

But I'd say, take it.

Please, take it.

You're the one thing I can't turn my back on.

E.

I'm re-reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer.

Great vampire love story.

So we're left with silences

Empty gaps in these empty conversations

Let's exhange stiff hugs

While all I can think

Is that despite every line we've blurred

I still need you.

It was different when I saw you

Through the misting rain

In a Save-A-Lot parking lot

It was different when I kissed you

This was supposed to be forever

But I'm falling apart

And love has been bled and thrown

Ruined by mistakes and mistrust

Insanity and rumor

We never even got off the ground

And all I can think

Is that despite the oncoming destruction

We were supposed to make it.

You've got the weight of the world

In every kiss you give

You're begging me not to break you

Not you, not this time

You hold on with a desperation

That scares me

You want everything

I'm not a savior

And as you mouth the words to every song

That reminds you of you and me

I'm shaking at the thought

That I just keep breaking

And every time I fall

I'm taking

Another one of you

Down in the wreckage

Down in flames

With me.

So shaking lips

Kiss the metal of the gun

I've got memories of every time I've disappointed

The irony is this'll be

The worst of all

Leaving every one of you behind

With a bloody stain on these summer days...

-Empty.

Yours is the type of writing I like. The first two lines are my favorite.

-E.

So I'm playing songs that I know just depress me

And it's a little more, a little more each day

And every day it's like you're further away

Though it's not that many miles between us

And every day over is another day closer...

Your voice on the phone

Makes my heart race

And my words catch in my throat

I'm completely at a loss

And, honestly

I can't concentrate on the conversation

I'm too busy with the fact

That somewhere in the distance

You're holding a phone to your ear

And we have a connection

Other than silent words on paper...

So, here I am again (I'm sure)

Trying to push these incoherent thoughts

Into a line that's close enough to a sentence

Trying to ignore the fact that all I have right now

Is a razorblade and medication,

Wrinkled pictures and a stack of your letters.

-E.

Your eyes are full

Like I'm something to behold

You're shy, hiding underneath long lashes

Ever the beautiful optimist

Even when we're stuck walking in the hail

And you kiss

Like...

Every time's going to be the last time

And you just have to make it last,

Make it perfect

And I'm just totally, completely

Wrapped up in you.

(Ha. This is a horrible, horrible poem. I just can't find the words for this boy, I can't put him into writing.)

-E.

I like the flow of this writing.

-E.

Yes, this poem definitely made me want to go, "Aw. That's so cute."

-E.

I've been wanting to make a post about Stitches, but I can't yet because I still have a post on the main page...I'm the girl he was talking about, the online relationship one...Stitches hasn't been online in a very long time compared to how often he gets online. I really hope someone here talks to him in person and can put my fears to rest. I've been very worried and trying to not mention it, but it's getting to be too long....I'm going to post a thread as soon as I can.

-E.

The pain spirals slowly upward

Toward the ceiling

As the day fades to grey

Pictures on the wall portray

The shallow friendships and rock star crushes

While your cd plays in the next room

Your clothes are folded, lifeless in the chair

And the smell of you clings to my sheets

The weight of the day without you

Unbearable to the point of breaking

The smell of drugs

And alcohol

Cigarettes and

The stench of addiction

I'm better than this

When I'm with you

But you're not here

And their hands are wandering

Despite everything I've said

They don't care

These words mean nothing

On and on until it's finally through

I'm a dirty reflection in a mirror

Tear stained face

Naked and broken and bruised

I can't stop the sobs

My hands are shaking...

*I don't know how to finish this poem. I can't think of an ending. I wanted it to end on a hopeful note, but then the seconds half of the poem came in my head and the hopeful note is shot.*

-E.

Good job. It makes you want to read more.

-E.

I'll try to summarize things and keep this short.

I'm a junior in high school and I've been suspended for 10 days because I was high (on xanax) at school. I have 7 classes and I was already failing 2 of them, 2 others were D's. When I get back to school because of the 10 days gone I will surely be failing every class.

Honestly, because of my depression and everything else wrong with me, going on with me, I just really don't see myself having the motivation to be able to get all my grades up after this. And come back next year for my senior year on top of everything.

I'm trying to stay rational and at least keep in mind that despite the pointlessness of school in the great scheme of things, I need to graduate or get my ged to be able to support myself in the future.

If I want to go take my ged, how long will it take to get it? How hard is it? I'm wanting advice from people who have got their ged, explain the details of it to me, your experience with it, etc.

I've written before about my drug use, depression, etc. Please spare me the lectures on that at the moment, I already have people trying to help me as far as that goes. I just need advice about my education.

Thanks.

-E.

I understand where you're coming from, I have anxiety and panic attacks among other things. I advise you to keep taking meds because of how serious your panic attacks are, but you will probably have to switch meds a few times to get the right one. It usually doesn't work out right the first time, it takes a little bit to find what works for you, the right kind and the right dose and for it to build up in your system. Don't give up. You're not the only one.

-E.

Self-manipulation to control people is selfish and cruel. It plays with peoples emotions, the people who care. It's not right. I self-injure and people who do it to get their way make it that much harder for people to understand the addiction. I guess I can understand the desperation, she knows that if she cuts she will get your attention, get you to come to her, but it's not fair to you or anyone else.

-E.

I'm not even here enough to write well anymore. I tried.

Shattered.

Just enough pieces left to wreak havock

On the fragile skin.

So this is where the breakdown begins.

Ends.

Incoherency in the remnants of a high.

Memories not enough to save a life

This time.

Traces of your dirty fingers burn

Right through me.

Did the words taste bitter on your tongue?

I can't take back a single time

I swallowed your lies.

I gave the lowest expectations

And not a single one of you

Could even reach that high.

And I'm a failure in the face of the ones that cared.

You've all failed me and I've failed them.

No matter how high, we're still not the same.

I take what you've bought

You take what I am.

In the end you've gained everything.

I'm left with your empty words and a life I can't stand to live.

So in exchange for every time you had me,

And every lie I depended on

Give me enough not to make it out alive.

-E.

Yes, all of those things are most definitly happening. Even moreso when drugs and alcohol are envolved. Well I know they're all happening, except for the teenager/older woman thing, I'm not sure about that one, but it probably happens too.

-E.

Thanks so much for replying. This is the first piece of writing I've really gotten out on this subject. I'm glad you guys liked it.

-E.

You're all bones

Cigarette in between long fingers

Legs tucked beneath the glass coffee table.

Sunlight shines through the sliding door

Making visible the swirling smoke

You exhale into the room.

You're all smile

Half a day going by

Playing on the couch

Laughing

You made it more every time, you did.

We're a tangle of legs in the bed

Your heartbeat worrying me

Not sounding healthy, even in sleep.

I watch red numbers go by

You wrapped tight around me

Breathe in, breathe out

We're so young

And I'm still wishing we could live forever.

I know in the morning I'll smell like you.

Your voice no longer soft

Admitting, quietly, that you can't wait to see me.

You're calm, and cold, and sure.

Blank

On the other side of the room.

I shift restlessly

Used to your hand in my hair

Your lips on my forehead

You next to me on the couch

So I put my hands in my lap and wait.

You tell me, let's go

And your eyes are empty, before and after.

I get dressed with numb hands, and for the first time with you

I hate myself.

You made it more.

In all the weeks,

In all the phone calls, in all the plans

And things you did and said.

Every time you say, I'm sorry

Every time I say, It's okay

We're both lying.

-E.

So let's discuss

What we used to be

And what we could have been

Make this as painful as possible

I know that's what you're aiming for

And every complaint

I ever had

Is out the window

It's useless and you think apologies

And plans for change

Solve everything

So tell me how I'm so

****ing unforgiving

While I wonder if you ever really say what you mean

Do you ever, ever mean what you say?

Every time you touch me

Things go wrong.

-E.

"Sometimes it's hard to know what's real when you're not. 'Cause you know I change myself to impress whoever happens to be next to me..." -Armor For Sleep

I'm just a lie

Wrapped in whatever you want me to be

Tell me how you like me

How you want me

What you need

It really doesn't matter

Not now

I'm all cleaned up when you find me

But you'll still see the scars

So are you ready?

Don't ask for truth

I'll give you what I can

How can I be anything but a fake

When there's nothing left of me?

-I'm a ghost of your hopes and dreams.

-E.

I'm not going to commit suicide, as long as I'm writing it's okay...

-E.

I hear the song

I associate with suicide

I knew it'd trigger me

But I play it anyway

Just to have some feeling

So slit my throat and call me a fake

I want to be done

I just can't function anymore

I'm so da** tired of breaking

They told lies when I needed them most

I'm dying for truth when it'll kill me

(The pills were to kill yesterday

The alcohol to kill tomorrow.)

("Car Underwater" by Armor For Sleep: link removed )

-E.