Lidia

Thanks again for being with me when I was so low. Just reporting in. Didn't read the book you adviced at the end, couldn't get it here in Poland but I found a good one - Learning to Say No: Establishing Healthy Boundaries by Carla Wills-Brandon. It seems to have helped me. I reckon that I have tried everything I could, I've put many hours \ days \months into saving this relationship while giving it a chance to become a healthy one - starting from long letters explaining who I am, asking him to start therapy, offering therapy for couples - if easier toghether. Talking doesn't work anymore, my level of frustration is too high, I have hot been listened out and respected for too long. Now I'm on the point of giving up. I can't live in co-dependent relationship any longer. I feel like I have done everything I could. Nothing works, it's even getting worse, I feel like I'm trying to communicate with a wall. I'm doing ok. I look after myself finally. I've been taking antidepressant for nearly two months, when I felt suicidal I went to a doctor to get help. I understood that I have pretty much to give, just need to find myself someone who is interested in that "offer". Thank you guys. Good luck and take care, Lidia

Mar, While reading your post I cried again, it seems like for some reasons I couldn't admit these things and say them loud by myself. I know too well what co-dependency means. I have an alcoholic father and I'm during a therapy for people "classified" as adult children of alcoholics. I've been reading a lot, also met a term of "symbiotic personality". I do know what you mean. I seem to understand my tendencies and fears – ironically - this man initiated my healing process, mainly because I've just never been put through situations leading me to such insecurity. But my two previous relationships were happy and I didn't even have one argument, we remain friends, I had no problems with insecurity earlier… I thought that when someone you love leaves you, because they couldn't forgive your infidelity and cheating (like his ex wife) you should learn from that experience and wouldn't do such a thing again. I knew how much he wanted to make a home, have children – and I wanted the same thing, I believed he learnt from his experience. After a while I understood that he never managed to get why she left, he spent months trying to rationalise that… You are probably right - I couldn't and cannot see objectively all the aspects of being involved in this relationship. So many times I've learnt he's much stronger person then I am. Maybe I'm blind, maybe he's really trying to manipulate me – he tried before, mainly through his control and jealousy. Everyone who I have honestly spoken about it gave me a similar advice to yours – get out as soon as you can, close the door and if he sleeps on your doormat just move to a different place. He is the only person thinking that I screw it up, while my friends who I talk to keep asking me when I will give up on someone who's just using me and dragging into depression, wasting my time (I'll be 28 in April, some of my friends suggest it's time to find someone normal and start heading towards the normal things you do in life – marriage, kids, etc, although I think I'm too young and I'm sure I'm not ready yet to do this). I know I care for this man too much. If I didn't try, we wouldn't ever be where we are and I think that is the problem. I somehow cannot set up the boundaries of my "responsibility" for him, and his life. I still feel responsible for the way he feels and I know if he ever uses the rope that he bought. I think I should finally understand that the choices he makes are not within my control and whatever happens I did what I could. Last night I went to his place to give him a list of therapists, to ask him to get help only to end up waiting for half an hour in cold, ringing to let me in - unsuccessfully. I know it's becoming too humiliating. I think the problem is that he doesn't take responsibility for his actions ach choices. He doesn't communicate, doesn't know what real intimacy is yet. He's been with his ex wife for 8 years, he always used to drink a lot so there's just not been a chance for a real intimacy, I do know what I'm saying. How can you plan family living like that... That must have been all a lie he lived for a long time. So I think it's very probable that I just made him look in a mirror and admit that what he sees is not that "rosy" as he believed he was. Maybe I also wasn't a "therapist" trying to keep him in a good mood telling him how great everything is, when it wasn't. I think the person who's been "counselling" him did more damage then the good, pushing him away from the causes (roots) of his problems, only teaching him how to deal with symptoms. Isn't is because the "blindness" of love ? Huh… So, all I can see today are two quite hurt and a bit dysfunctional people who might use their difficulties to work on personal growth, to overcome fears, support each other while working on themselves, to then become capable of creating a truly intimate relationship. Not the "normal" people only deserve to be loved. The truth of your words is, that I cannot make him see things he cannot see and I cannot push someone to get help. Does this mean I've done everything I could do? Thank you for being with me and apologies for language mistakes (English is not my mother tongue) I'll try to be stronger. L

Thank you for your response. In answer to your questions, I can only say that I did feel the way you described, especially that we've met when he was divorcing his ex wife who had left him. I have fallen in love deeply, I spent one year visiting him in his country or waiting for him to come to see me. A few months after we met, he was seriously depressed due to divorce and we lost contact for a while. He went skiing with a friend and he met a psychologist who kind of counselled him. Kind of, as she has fallen in love with him as well and wanted him to be (than marry) with her. He didn't say anything about the progress of that relationship, all I knew was she was a good friend. Things were not quite allright, he started to "disappear" for the weekends, and kept telling me he was seeing his friends in his home country – saying goodbye before he leaves and moves to mine. I felt something was wrong, but I only found it out after he came over. We were supposed to live together, we actually did – for a month – cause soon I had my first breakdown. First, he started behaving strangely, very secretively; I felt he was hiding something so I started asking uncomfortable questions. Initially he denied, after a month he kind of told me what was going on. I was so shocked that I couldn't believe I might have been so cheated. I just couldn't believe it, I though she was a friend and someone counselling him. I lost my nerves, lost my balance, checked his email – wanted to know if he was promising her the same things, if he was in touch with her. I have found a hotel reservation in skiing resort – for both of them. He told me he was leaving for two weeks to visit his friend he was doing some business with. You can imagine how nice experience that was. When he came back the "let's try again" cycle started. In the meantime he went to see her again. He thought I was stupid and I wouldn't know... We tried to communicate, explain things. He said she help him so much that he wouldn't tell her the truth, that he wouldn't hurt her, so I felt unimportant, like everything happened at my cost. Today I know he never understood what I've been through and probably he never will even though I spent hours explaining my emotions. I just had an "excuse" for my childish behaviour, he had to deal with real problems... He wanted me to live in the "now". I know that might sound weird but I just loved (and love) the guy, even though my (or even his) friends kept telling me I deserved much more from a man. But I forgave him, although it took me a long time to understand that maybe that woman really was someone who saved his life and maybe without her I wouldn't have a chance for that love. I felt guilty for kind of what "I did to her" as well, although I wasn't responsible for making that threesome. At the end of April I asked him to make his choices and finish the other relationship definitely – I doubt he would do it otherwise, and I couldn't bear the responsibility of knowing that another woman might be waiting for him. I've been there, when he was grieving for his ex-wife and I know how it's like. So maybe I pushed him to wrong choices and he regrets that. So, we kept trying, but I was never good enough, never smart enough for him to communicate with me, no matter what I did I just couldn't make him happy. Things were becoming even more difficult, and we hurt each other. He was trying, but when he was ready to give I wasn't ready to accept what he tried to give me. I felt frustrated, lonely and unhappy. I also started to see how much his drinking was taking away all the chances for open communication. He didn't admit that too. The worst thing is that we really loved each other, but we couldn't manage to make our relationship work. And I feel guilty that I there were opportunities that we lost, even though at that time I couldn't react in a different way, I wasn't ready to take them. I feel guilty for not being able to make this man happy, I wasn't able to make him feel secure with me, trust me, communicate. He said I should have told him I couldn't forgive him – but it's not that easy to work out when you really forgive, when you love someone as much as I loved him. I feel incredible guilt for not being able to react in a more mature way, controlling my emotions – in particular the anger I felt. So maybe he blames me for his wrong choices, I don't understand anymore, I feel lost, I keep blaming myself. I just tend to blame myself for everything even though be both made mistakes and you're right to large degree. Reading your answer and writing these posts make me see all these things in a different light, I'll think about what had happened again. So, that was my side of the story - in a brief. Maybe some day I'll write a book… Thanks for being with me. L

Hello everyone, It's my first post, I so much need your guidance. I'll try to give you a short view on the situation I'm dealing with. I don't know what to do anymore. Please advise… A man I love is seriously depressed, he feels suicidal. He doesn't keep any contact with real people, he lives within his PC. I think he spends most of his time playing with his smart mobile phone. I think he lost hope. He has cut me off completely, doesn't want to meet or talk. I keep trying to support him, keep asking to get help (don't even know if he reads my emails). I have found therapists who might help him but he constantly rejects any kind of help. I feel hopeless, I care for him so much, he made me happy like no one else but it took me too long to fully understand that. We've been together for nearly two years (long-distance relationship for a year, together since the end of December). We had many problems due to his cheating, distrust, then lack of communication. I've been through emotional hell, on occasions I felt suicidal (once I attempted it and took pills but nothing happened cause I didn't know how to do it properly). I just couldn't deal with his betrayal. We tried again and again, but we couldn't make it work. It was difficult, because it took me about 6 months to forgive him and be able to trust him again. At that time I used to overreact a lot, and react in a self-defensive, very destructive way. I know how much I hurt him, but even today looking back I realise that if I had to go through that again, it would not probably come much easier. Betrayal just hurts so much… At the end he said he wouldn't forgive me for what I've done… Today, I don't look in the past and I don't feel resentment anymore. I forgave him, and I truly believe that only through forgiving people I can develop as a person, learn from experiences (especially the bad ones) and close the chapters I want to close to move on and live in the now and have a hope for a better future. I have started a therapy, which helps me see things in a different light and I keep working on myself. Sometimes I feel ok, but most of the time I just feel I have no motivation and can't even go to work. My life is falling into pieces slowly. I feel incredible loss, I still have my hope that he will understand that we still have a chance for happiness and will let me be a part of his life again. But so far - after all this pain – he left, cut me off. I worry for him, every coming day is just hell, I don't even know if he's still alive. I feel like the most important part of me is dying, and I know if he does kill himself I'll do the same thing. He still doesn't fully understand what happened between us and keeps thinking I am the one to be blamed for all the failures. And that blame he's put on me attempts to kill me as well. I just would like him to get help, so after some time he can try to find love and have relationship with someone else, if I can't be the one. He's a wonderful man, he has so much to give. I love him like I've never loved anyone before and his happiness is the only thing that matters to me. I don't know what to do anymore. Is it possible to help someone who does not accept help? Thanks in advance for any help. Best regards