Merry Christmas~
I hope it helps you to feel better to know that I AM working on healing the hurt of the little girl inside of me. I am grateful of you for pointing her out to me and helping me to see just how much she has affected my life, my behaviors, my relationships and my loved ones. If it weren't for you, I don't know if I would have ever truly acknowledged her. It is time for the grown woman that I am to heal her wounds and misunderstanding. It is time for the hurt little girl to heal this hurt grown woman.
I hope it helps you to know that I fully acknowledge and sincerely regret all the many ways in which I hurt you. Paco, I never wanted to hurt you!
I hope it helps you to know that I will never forget you. Although, I am very deeply hurt over some of your actions, I am truly indebted to you for being the most profound teacher of my life.
I hope it helps you to know that I am now equipped with the knowledge I need to be a much better person going forward. I am now equipped with the necessary tools...integrity, mindfulness, self-love minus the ego, self respect, understanding, and self acceptance. I have a long way to go in healing but I am on the right path.
As it turns out, you are my hero in so many regards.
I am so very sorry that the only thing that may come out of this excrutiating pain we are both suffering is my personal growth. That is not what I wanted for us. Please believe that.
I hope that one day, you will find forgiveness of me.
Sincerely,
Lola
Addendum: This is NOT an admittance to your belief that I am mentally disordered. This is simply meant to offer you some validation in that I acknowledge my baggage that I carried into the relationship, I acknowledge that it did affect us and it is simply my way of making some amends with you. It is my hope that by acknowledging to you that I am doing the much needed inner work on the issues that I brought to the relationship will help you to heal and to find some sense of peace.
Nor is this an acceptance of sole responsibility for the wreckage we've become. If it were simply a matter of me being solely responsible, I would beg you to stand by me while I overcome the damage that was done to me. I would fight for us and I would not give up.
As it is, we both damaged us. I swirled right into your insecurities and you dipped right into mine. I shimmied right into your needs and you moshed right into mine. We danced magnificently naked in the wind - flesh to flesh - soul to soul.
I'm sorry, my dear friend.