waveseer

Day whatever. I currently have no desire to communicate.

Day whatever plus 2, let's just say I'll be using my handy private journal today.

I think I am going to do this. Hopefully I'll be posting in the "getting back together" forum very soon.

This is the getting back together forum.

Well, we need to talk and work that out. I replied with a simple "I'm trying" and just got this reply:

 

"(My name), it’s me….. (Her name)….. first and foremost your friend. I am trying too but I am scared you are going to reject me and what I have to say. GOD I miss you more then I can explain. =( I need but most importantly want to see you"

 

I am thinking this is the type of response I am looking for?

I don't know, only you know. Why not meet and talk?

We've experienced mini-breakups in the past, but nothing ever like this. This is the longest we've ever gone and it seems as if she is determined to move on this time. However her approach is strange since she seems to not want to let go of me.

Are your conflicts surmountable? Do you think both of you are ready and willing to compromise?

I want to test the waters and see if another "go at it" is possible. If not then we are really done I guess. But I will refuse to remain friends with her. It would be too hard.

Then the voice of experience and wisdom says to let her know this exactly and then see if she's up for it. In my opinion it's a little soon, but I am not in your shoes.

UPDATE:

 

I replied with: "Just wanted to know you were okay and let you know that I am okay. That’s all."

 

She responded with: "Well just so you know NO I am not ok. But happy to know that yes you are ok. I wish you would open up and stop being so hard…."

 

I am going to put some serious thought into what I am going to reply to this with...

I understand better now. What do you want?

It sounds like that was a completely positive interaction, so why the sad face?

Day whatever plus one, went surfing and not only had a good time but was encouraged with my progress popping up! Yea for healing!

Day whatever, I have no idea. I'm here for life so it doesn't matter.

That was a great poem! Self-censorship is the reason this forum doesn't hop, I am guilty of it myself.

Day 30

 

I made it. Now what? LOL.

You could always take the 90 day challenge.

Nope I just wrote it.

It's very heartfelt and rings quite true. Good job.

that's exactly what I thought as well. Well done

 

Thank you.

R2R? newbie alert sorry

It's a typo on the shorthand verson of my username, should have read R2H. I didn't even notice until you mentioned it.

Thanks, your comment reflects my feelings exactly.

If I never knew you

Then why did it hurt so much?

If I never knew you

Then why did I feel love?

If I never knew you

Then how could it take so long?

If I never knew you

Then why did we carry on?

If I never knew you

Then what made me so crazy?

If I never knew you

Then why is it still so hazy?

If I never knew you

Then why was I so sure?

If I never knew you

Then how will I ever be cured?

If I never knew you

Then I'd be someone else today.

If I never knew you

I wouldn't know myself half as well.

Since I never knew you

I can offer kind thought.

Since I never knew you

I can think of you with a warm heart.

Since I'll never know you

This is how it ends.

Since I'll never know you

We can't possibly be friends.

So familiar, too familiar

I hear whispers in my head

Welcoming smile I've never seen

Mind quicker than the eye

Illusion

Doubts grow in numbers

They launch their attack

Reinforcements to my aid

Declare how much you care

Illusion

Steep drop warning sign

I ignore the guiding truth

Preferring my fabrication

Avoiding certain pain

Illusion

Falling hurts when I land

Eating handfuls of reality dust

I'm thirsty for real love

No fairy tale can give

Resolution

No problem, you're okay.

Thanks, tb. I've certainly been living up to my username, lol. Seriously though, I had no expectation of this much healing when I joined ena. It's just such a safe and supportive place to be I keep making progress. People such as yourself are of great assistance, thank you.

Well, I'm not saying I fully understand what you were feeling, I did understand your motivation for writing and it inspired me.

I used to think my woes were trivial compared to other people's too, but what I finally realized is while that works well to keep me from feeling self-pity, it doesn't do anything for the exorcising of painful memories. It's not what happens to us, but how we perceive it that matters. Do you really think it took 40 years for me to remember well enough? No, it took that long for me to know a) I'd be okay afterward, b) it was important enough, and c) it didn't really matter if anyone thought my poem was crappy. Deeper memories and experiences often require creative expression to have a permanent positive effect for me too. Maybe they are stored differently in the brain. Last night writing that made my heart hurt physically. When I was done writing, the pain stopped.

Absolutely, I was so emotionally well last night that it was finally safe to expunge and grieve these experiences. It only took 40 years.

LC, this poem is about my life from 3-5 years old. It's the only place I've ever avoided.

I fell down the stairs,

I bumped my head

No problem, I'm okay.

They noticed I was leaving,

I had a suitcase in my hand

No problem, I'm okay.

I could hear their voices,

But not their words

No problem, I'm okay.

When you fall asleep,

She'll take your things

No problem, I'm okay.

Tell how he hurt you,

And he'll do it more often

No problem, I'm okay.

What's wrong with her now,

She doesn't speak much

No problem, I'm okay.

I eat very little,

I try not to be noticed

No problem, I'm okay.

I never go into that room,

It smells dark and empty

No problem, I'm okay.

They'll leave me behind,

Not noticing I'm absent

No problem, I'm okay.

Who are these people,

And why do they taunt me?

No problem, I'm okay.

Where is my real family,

The one's who love me?

No problem, I'm okay.

So this is what life is,

Rejection and pain?

No problem, I'm okay.

I lived through a lot,

I don't have to again

No problem, I'm finally okay.