einsteins_girl

Seven years ago today, right at this moment, I had butterflies and couldn't sleep because I was so excited that we were going to meet the next day. We had been talking online for about a month. We had talked on the phone a few times. But we were finally going to meet. I wondered if you'd like me. I wondered if I'd like you. I wondered if we'd have chemistry. It's so strange to think of the person I was in that moment. Sometimes I wonder what I'd think of her, if i met her today, because I'm so very different now. Being with you changed me in so many ways. But seven years ago, I didn't know what was to come. I only knew that I wanted our meeting to go well. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

*big sigh*

I made it through the holidays! No contact from you, of course. Now, just eighteen more days, and it'll have been a year since the BU, and there will be no new milestones. I will have survived everything once already, so it shouldn't be as hard the 2nd time, right? So I make it through January 7th (the day we met), January 14th (our anniversary) and January 18th (our BU), and I'm home free, right? Just eighteen more days...

Hope springs eternal. How else can one explain the fact that I hoped for a New Year's message from you, even though I didn't get one last year... when we were together? :stupid:

I am so over NYE. Seriously. Over it.

Happy New Year, P.

If someone had told me a year ago that we'd be broken up now, well, honestly, I probably wouldn't have been that surprised. This time last year, you were barely talking to me. But it's still so weird to have you gone. I can't believe how much can happen in a year. I have so much I wish I could tell you, and I genuinely wish I could tell you. Do you find it as weird as I do that we haven't heard one another's voice in so long or seen each other's face? Does it bother you like it bothers me? Do you think of me as often as I think of you? There have been times I wished I could hate you - but those times have been very few. Mostly, I just wish we could've been the right people for each other. I'll never forget how you would question whether I really loved you. Now, almost a year later, I haven't seen or heard from you - you might as well be dead - yet I still love you. If only you knew how wrong you'd been. I still believe that someday our paths will cross again. I try to imagine you gone forever, and it's impossible. So, I guess, 'til then...

I don't know what to do to make this pain stop.

Merry Christmas.

{{{hugs}}}

I think I may be going crazy. Flooded with dreams of you last night. I wish I knew what I could say or do or to what God I should pray to get you to talk to me again. Just once, even. It's maddening. It really is.

All I want for Christmas is to hear from you.

"We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it."-Rainer Maria Rilke

This is so frustrating. I'm really never gonna hear from you again, am I?

I should have known December would be hard. What happened to us? How did we end up here?

Almost 11 months now. Still no contact from you. Every day, I read posts on eNA about exes who suddenly make contact. Sometimes after mere days, sometimes after weeks, sometimes after many months. So rarely is there anyone like me. I guess I'll wear it as a badge of honor. The only one who never heard a word again. Maybe the badge should just say "Survivor."

Someone just posted on this site about receiving contact from an ex who they only dated for six weeks. Contact nine months later. We dated for six years. It has been over ten months. And nothing. Nada. This irritates me so much lately. I hope this is the final burst of resentment/anger/longing before I'm finally done with this. Seriously.

the time between meeting & finally leaving is sometimes called 'falling in love'

I wish my life had happened in a different order, so I would've been the person I am now when I met you. Either way, it would've been better. Either we would have been able to make it work... or I would've been strong enough to let it go before I got so invested.

Oh my goodness. The photo you posted on your Flickr account is SO gorgeous; it's killing me not to comment. Killing.Me. You are such a talented photographer. I always thought so and never understood why you didn't see what a gift you had. I think this latest photo may be one of your best. You hadn't updated your account in so long that it was kind of jarring to see new photos. Gosh, I wish I could tell you how much I love it. Also, I've been feeling so amorous when I think about you today. (Remember how I used to say that because I was so shy about it all?) Funny that I was thinking about you so much and then came home to find you had put up new photos. Gah, I miss you.

I'm so confused by the interactions I've had with your aunt recently. It's not that they've been that significant; I'm confused that they've happened at all. I have not heard a word from you in over ten months, yet she sent me that very kind message. I don't understand. What are you thinking? What are you telling people? What is going on in your head? I know that, during our breakup years ago, you said that you didn't contact me because you wanted me to hate you, because you thought I was better off without you in my life - that you were "saving" me from a lifetime spent with you. Is that what's going on now? Are you staying away because you think it's best for me? Or do you really hate me? Do you really want nothing to do with me? I really thought you had been telling people terrible things about me these past months. I really thought you were directing your anger and all of the blame on me. But, if that's the case, why would your aunt - to whom you're very close - be so kind to me? I don't understand any of it. This is so frustrating.

I had several dreams about you last night, which were annoying as usual. You're more and more on my mind as I approach the year mark since the BU. In one of the dreams, you moved in next door to me but still refused to make eye contact or talk to me. It drove me mad. I wanted to shake you and ask what was wrong with you and why you couldn't act like a human. Some things never change, I guess.

I just took a long nap, then checked Facebook. Saw a post from one of your friends, who for some inexplicable reason has not unfriended me. (Why haven't they?) All it said was: Excited to spend time with friends tonight. But I knew you were one of those friends, and it made my stomach drop a bit. It is just so weird to think that you're out there and yet I know nothing about you anymore. I hid her message from my feed, so I won't see any responses. But I suppose the damage has already been done, since I'm thinking about you. Sigh. How are you so good @ ignoring someone you love(d)?

Wow, okay. So I reactivated my Facebook a couple of weeks ago after being deactivated for basically a year and a half. I missed my friends, and I figured I'd give it a try again but care less about it than I did before. This plan has worked great so far. But, uh, how weird was it to have your aunt comment on my status, when I haven't heard from you in 10 months? Very, very weird.

Even though I am doing so much better, I still think about you all the time. Sometimes, it's just a passing thought with no emotion. Other times, it's a thought full of sadness and regret and longing. Slowly but surely though, the thoughts are more often the former and less often the latter. But the one thing that stays constant is how much it hurts that you walked away so easily. In six years, I don't remember a time when you tried to save us. Sometimes, I wonder how different things might be now, if just once you had cared as much as I did and had fought instead of running......