einsteins_girl

If you ever feel the urge to call me - or email me - or reach out in any way, I want you to know you can. It's been a long time. Just sayin'.

To this day, I still can't understand how you can be okay with never seeing me or talking to me again. How can you be at peace with that? Especially given how abruptly things ended. How does that not bother you?

Oh, DepthOfField, reading your post reminded me of something too. Gosh, breakups suck.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I'd taken that job and moved with you. The reasons I wanted to stay at my current job are gone now. I wonder if we would've worked out then. If things would've gotten better. I know I can't go back and change it, but it does make me think sometimes. And I've been wanting to say thank you. It's crazy how often something happens, and I'm so appreciative of you and the things you did for me. Stupid things. Like, when I take the garbage out, and I remember how you would always do that. Or when I was using the shovel you bought for me, and I was so grateful that you bought an expensive, sturdy one because it has lasted me so long. I notice more now all of the considerate things you did. Things I took for granted. And I kick myself for that. I mean, when you bought the shovel, I didn't think anything of it. I'm not even sure I said thank you. I miss you. Every day. The little things, the big things, and everything in between.

Aww, thank you!

Today is my birthday. I really hoped I'd hear from you, but I didn't.

After exchanging some PMs with a poster about a BU issue, it's hitting me like a sledgehammer that my ex never loved me. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't love. I've been denying that this whole time. I've been convincing myself he loves me but thinks it's best for me if he stays away. I never wanted to accept the possibility that he didn't love me at all. But I'm really starting to believe he didn't. My heart is broken all over again.

I cannot wait for the day when this doesn't bother me so much...

Oh my goodness, your aunt contacted me again, and based on the conversation we had, I know you know she's been talking to me... and it seems you said something positive about me. This makes me happier than it should. :shame:

Sometimes I think I must've been a pretty bad person in a previous life because none of this makes sense otherwise. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I miss talking to you. There is so much going on right now, and I just wish I could talk to you about it. Sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone. This sucks. I appreciated you when I had you, but I wish I had appreciated you more. Can't we just talk?

Jeebus cripes! Don't you effing miss me?!? At all??????? I mean, honestly.

hellomolly123, Chalk, and lovepugs86... so sorry to hear you have had similar experiences, but I'm glad we're all in this together. Hang in there.

I remember you would often say while we were fighting that a relationship shouldn't have to be this hard. I was always puzzled when you said that. Because, yes, we had our incompatibilities and our disagreements, but I never thought of it as being "this hard." It was what I expected a long-term, romantic relationship between two people would be like. I never thought it would be easy. I just knew that I loved you, and I never wanted to be without you, and we could get through whatever problems came up. I never thought we would be endlessly happy, so I wasn't surprised when we had spells of frustration and unhappiness. I never had unrealistic expectations of what a relationship meant. All I cared about was you - and how much I loved you - and us staying together. It's weird, really, when I look back at our arguments because there really weren't that many. It's just that we were both so stubborn that we often blew the arguments we did have out of proportion. You also always said that we had so little in common, but I really believe we had so much in common. We didn't share a lot of hobbies, but we shared basic values. We had pretty much the same opinions on religion and politics and marriage and kids and money management, and all the other things that so many couples disagree on. I wonder now if you're with someone new - and I wonder if she has those things in common with you that I didn't - I wonder if that means that your relationship will be perfect and work out and you'll get married and live happily ever after. I suspect none of that will happen, and my reasoning is simple... because you will still be lacking the one thing you lacked with me: the acceptance that things don't have to be perfect, that they don't have to play out like the vision you've had in your mind since you were a child. The one thing that ultimately ended us was this difference: I loved you with all of my heart and wanted to make us work no matter what. To me, a life without you wasn't an option. Staying together was my priority. But your priority was the "dream come true" illusions you held in your mind. You were on an endless quest to fulfill that perfect fantasy, and you were blind to the fact that the best thing in life someone can have... is another person's unconditional love. Nothing has changed for me in that respect. I still love you unconditionally, even after a year of not hearing a word from you. I still have a hard time imagining a life without you, even as I'm in the process of living it. And, sadly, I suspect things haven't changed for you either. I suspect you're still searching for that perfect fantasy, and I suspect you're still finding yourself disappointed.

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if you've found my posts on this board. It wouldn't be that impossible since I mentioned this site a few times while we were together. It makes me nervous to think about that possibility. But also hopeful. Because then I tell myself that you haven't contacted me because you're waiting for "proof" that I've finally gotten over you. You want me to post a message along those lines, or maybe you're just waiting for the day when I stop posting altogether. Maybe that will give you the proof you need. So, sometimes, I try to go days without posting, hoping that you'll think I've healed at last and contact me. But you don't. And I cave and post. Never in a million years did I think you'd ignore me this thoroughly. I don't know how you have it in you. I really don't. How often do I cross your mind? Did you read the letter I sent? Aren't you even the tiniest bit curious about me and my life now? I mean, it's been over a year. Don't you wonder? Don't you just want to reach out? Someday, maybe I'll become the type of person who can understand your behavior. I'm definitely not that person yet.

Lately, I wish my life were a movie. Because then you'd realize how much you miss me and how much you love me and you'd show up at my door. And you'd apologize and say wonderful, beautiful things, and you'd tell me that you love me and you can't imagine your life without me. And I'd have tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, and I'd say something cheesy like, "You had me at hello. You had me at hello." Then, we'd kiss... and my world would feel right again. If I just saw your face - or heard your voice - my world would feel right again. Sometimes I wonder why it can't just be like the movies. Life shouldn't have to be this painful.

[-o

I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much for this long.

Looked at an old picture of you tonight, and it really hit me that I haven't seen your face in so long. It really was like looking at someone I knew a long, long time ago. Faint, distant, removed. Do you feel any of this? Any of it at all?

Why do the people I love treat me like sh*t?

One year. Huh.

Tomorrow would have been our 7 year anniversary. There are so many things I wish I could say to you, so many times every day when I think of you & wish you were still in my life. I promised I'd love you forever, and I always keep my promises, even if that means loving you quietly and from afar. I love you, P. I hope you're okay.

That was so weird. I arrived at the bus station a little bit ago, after work, and as I was walking to the stairwell to my car, and I noticed a car exactly like yours. Same make, same color. It was driving through the lower level of the station, and I noticed it because I tend to notice cars that look like yours. But then I noticed it stopped in a location that cars don't really stop, kind of an alleyway but far enough away from me that it was mostly blocked by cars. I headed up the stairwell, got in my car, and drove to leave. And I had a passing thought, wondering if it was you and if the car would still be there when I drove down to the lower level. It was there. But now it was facing forward instead of backward, and as soon as I turned around a corner towards the exit, it drove a different (illogical direction). Then, before I knew it, the car was behind me at the stoplight, although it made no sense for the driver to circle around that way to get to the light. My heart started to beat fast, and I glanced in my rearview mirror, but it was dark, so I couldn't see the driver. The car followed me through the intersection but did not take my next turn. What was that? A coincidence? A hallucination? So, so weird. Gosh, what if it was you...?

I've worked through a lot of what happened during our relationship and during and since our BU. This past year has given me perspective, and I've accepted a lot of truths about who I am, who you were, and who we were together. I even feel like I've made peace with what was said during that final phone call. Except for one thing, and it is not the thing I would've expected to still be bugging me. "You just don't seem that into me anymore." That's what you said to me, and it drives me crazy to this day. It drives me crazy because it was you pointing a finger at me. It drives me crazy because it was clearly a case of you projecting your own feelings onto me. It drives me crazy because it is such blatant evidence of how little you understood what was going on - of how little you understood me. "You don't seem that into me anymore." It may have been the dumbest thing I ever heard you say.