Need2No

I never did get any closure on the relationship. I had initially tried to get it by pretty much any means I could ending with having a relative try to reason with my ex to do just that. "At least give him some closure on this". But I never did get any. I did and still do have so many why's that I know will always be unanswered. I think that is the hardest part about this I guess. All that i DID get from her and it wasnt even FROM her was that "You dont know what I need" and as far as her total avoidance of me it was because "I dont want to give him any hope". Both are dead end statements and still leave me clueless. As far as loving her very much, yes i did. i doted over her. I did everything for her that she ever wanted and held her above all else. There was nothing that was to great of her to ask of me. It either wasn't enough or there was more to the story than was apparent. The later being more likely the case. Either way, the circumstances under which the relationship ended was directly contrary to what I had had relayed to me from her. All she left me with was hope. Not the other way around. As for other women? Yes Ive been with other women since, and even tried romancing a few. The really horrible part about it was that my heart just wasn't and isn't in anything I try to go into even with the best of intentions. As for the relationship having compensated for something, yes it did. It was pretty much the only time in my life where id ever really felt needed and important. It was also the only time in my life where I had held someone elses well being above my own. She was my first and foremost, my one and only. Even if i do come out of this better off, which i doubt, I know that ill still love her and I think that if anything, thats from what im hiding.

First of all, this is an account name that i've created JUST for this post. Im a reasonably long-time poster here on the boards, but id like to keep myself anonymous for this as there are some things about me id like to keep unknown. A year and a half ago, i was dumped after a relationship that lasted over 3 and a half years. At the time of breakup i was 30 and she was 21. Now, that right there is more than enough of an answer as to why, but thats really not what im looking for here. Im more so looking for an answer as to my normalcy reguarding my past state of mind after that break-up and everything thats taken place since then. So heres the low down on me post break up. When it happened I was working full time and doing not as well as id like to be but more than stable and self sufficient. I considered myself to be a more than mentally stable individual, and was content with what and who I was. I had a very nice vehicle, an above average condo on the water, and a decent bank account. Immediately following my break up, I ceased wanting to work, which i did. Started drinking heavily, to an extent that id never done before(everyday), stopped hanging out with anyone who didnt drink with me at the bar, drove excessively intoxicated EVERYDAY, lost interest in anyone and anything that didnt involve my new found intoxicated stupor, and basically went down a road to self-destruction. When i was with others, I was outgoing and happy, but when i was alone I would do nothing but break down and cry, sober or straight. I even went back to old haunts and exes who I eventually screwed over and left leaving burning bridges as i went. This went on for over 6 months and was brought to a speedy halt when i was heading home from the bars one night and saw the RED & BLUE flashing lights in my rear view. Pop. First DWI. A truly sobering experience. I since then have totally abstained from alcohol but I was still totally depressed and withdrawn from my real world and true friends(Not that I hadnt screwed most of them over and lost them as a result). I remained extremely unhappy for about the next 6 months and stayed withdrawn, even moved from the town that id lived in all of my life to another town where I knew no one 45 minutes away. I remained prone to spontaneous breakdowns for several more months, and am just now beginning to pull myself back together only recently having obtained employment. Over the preceeding 15 months I had totally depleted all of my savings, destroyed my vehicle, lost my house, and maxed out all of my credit cards. Im currently wokring and trying to repair my life. I very, very seldom have any breakdowns, but I know that I still love my ex, even after all of this time. Im trying to become the person that I THOUGHT I was, but its coming to me that i really dont think thats going to happen I know who I was, and I know what I am, but I just dont know what I should be anymore. I just have this overwhelming feeling that nothing will ever be the same again for me and that ill never be as happy as i was. I just dont know what to do or to think. Its hard to take life one day at a time when you feel like everday that you're in is your last. its also hard to go through life putting one foot in front of the other when you dont know with which one to lead. **As a side note, I havent had any contact with my ex other than on our anniversary. I called her on the phone, and she was, quite cold and callous. Something that id never felt from her before. This was also the last day that I had a drink, the day I got my DWI.