Greetings! Thank you for the opportunity to ask for help. I was married 11 years ago to the love of my life. I was married young, 23 years, and she was 21. We had been dating since she was 14 and I 16.
We had our ups and downs like most couples (well maybe a little more). I am to blame for most of it, I basically took her for granted. I love her, but took her for granted. If I look back I realize how selfish I was.
Our marriage took the downturn for me after the birth of our son 8 years ago. He got all the attention and I felt sidelined. My wife and I loved each other, but we were learning to exist. unfortunately my wife was not a very good communicator, and just accetpted the situation.
We had a beautiful daughter 5 years ago, and that made my situation harder. Please don't misunderstand me, I love my children very much. But I also love my wife, and needed her as my support. Sometimes just knowing she is there could make me accomplish anything.
We would always have our typical fights, and all the threats would come out about divorce and leaving, but we always made up and continued.
Slowly I started loosing interest, and did the ultimate evil..........I cheated. She didn't know about his, but I distanced myself and just co-existed with my wife.
Last summer she travelled back home with the kids asking me to come along, I couldn't do to commitments at work. She wasn't happy about this, however, I continued to decieve myself that all was well. Until I get a phone call 2 weeks before her expected return that the relationship was all over, and for the first time in her life she spilled the beans on everything that I had put her through.
I was shocked and devastated at the same time. I got on a flight and caught up with her in her families home. We talked and she said that she has fallen out of love with me and that she HATES me. After she narrated her side of emotions, I realized that I had been a very horrible person throughout our marriage. She told me that she had a moment of weakness that summer and flirted around with a guy that made her feel special and wanted. I also came clean and told her about my lapse. Then the **** hit the fan and all hell broke loose.
After much interference from her family and a hell of a lot of begging she agreed to come back home and give it a shot for the sake of the children.
I swollowed my pride and agreed that I would "use" the children to prove to her that I was committed and ready to make this relationship work. I also promised to change some of my bad habits. (ie. working late till 11pm). I promised to loose wait, pay more attention to the kids, pay more attention to her, etc.
We came back home, and it was difficult (very difficult). I had realized that I LOVE THIS WOMAN, and I really mean LOVE this woman beyond my wildest dreams. I need her to exist. I made good on my promises, not only for her sake, but b/c I believed in them. I truly wanted to learn to be a better person.
Then a ray of light came through and she told me that she cared for me and loved me. A "brotherly" kind of love, not a passionate love. At least know I know she doesn't hate me. We keep on working on the relationship and things really appear to be getting better, we moved into a new house. We talked and played more than ever in our relationship. I know she would never totally trust me again for a while, but things did seem and feel better.
unfortunately, she felt a lump in her breast and we had to send her to Italy to get it examined (we live in Nigeria, where there are no proper medical facilities.) We would talk on the phone and SMS each other. Luckily it the lump turned out to be a false alarm.
She returned and seemed a bit distant. I confronted her and asked her what was wrong. She told me that she didn't miss me, and she actually for the first time enjoyed herself, and that although the kids where here with me she cried on the plane ride home because she had to see me again. Ouch! for her and me.
I should explain that we are expatriates living in Nigeria, we've been here since our dating years. There isn't much of a social scene and there are no clubs to go to or cinemas. All activities are around a few friends and that's it. My wife like to dance, but I can't take her dancing b/c there is no place to go.
From our last discussion to days ago, she tells me the magic is gone and that although she has that "brotherly love" for me, she cares about me and would die to protect me. But that there is no FIRE in her emotions for me. I tried to explain to her that if it would help her to be alone for awhile I don't mind staying away, she cries and tells me that's not what she wants.
I try to be assertive and talk about divorce and she tells me that we have to be together for the sake of the kids. I ask her if it's an issue of trust, she says no.
To love someone and no get 50% in return hurts like hell, but I did the exact same thing to her for years.
I need help.......................how do I expalin to my wife that the magic comes and goes? How do I explaint her that our marriage is worth fighting for not only b/c of the kids?
What advice would you good people give? Please help!
Houssam
