Dear Lgl_Chic-
I was in a relationship with a married man for 4 years. It ended very badly, and that is why I am visiting this site right now, because the pain is bad. If you think you are confused right now, let me garantee you you will be in some bad pain if he comes back after you, and he is still married. From my experience, I would say, give him the time of day IF and WHEN he is either separated or divorced. Let me tell you, there is a reason God made adultery one of the ten commandments....He loves you and NOT DATING this man is the DIRECT WAY OF AVOIDING A LOT OF PAIN.
Dating a married man seems great, esp if they are successful, handsome, charming, and older. You will have fleeting happiness, but it will quickly pass once reality sets in. Then you have more good times, until he has to leave....then again reality sets in, each time more discouraging than before, unless you learn to lie to yourself, which helps your pain somewhat, but self-delusion in worse than pain, because you're now fooling yourself.
The man I dated was 50, a doctor, very good looking, and was kind to me and chased me for 6 or 8 months until I finally said yes to going to lunch. I was 27 at the time. We were both crazy about each other.
I do not know if you have become intimate with him or not, or gone to dinner, but I strongly advise you not to. I will tell you many people warned me. He was a great manipulator, but I was a good candidate for him, because I gave him God-like status in my mind...we did feed off each other, and right or wrong, we gave each other emotionally, romantically and sexually what we both needed. One reason, quite plainly he stayed with me was that it was an ego-trip for him to be with such a young woman, who did adore him and told him constantly. It is hard for an older man do pass this up.
I will say that right now you seem a great deal like me when I first began to talk to R, the married man I dated for 4 years...What I mean is you seem confused about if it feels so great, why is the situation the way it is? I felt this way in the beginning, and it grew into something much more painful, the more I stayed in it. What I ask you is this: If you think your love with him is the love of the century, and if you really love him, it will be damned hard to get out, the longer you stay. There are always chances of things working out in life, even a man leaving his wife for you. I am here to tell you, from what I have seen and been through, the chances of a man leaving his wife is about 10% chance. I suppose what I am trying to tell you is the emotions you will go through if you and this guy really begin to see and devote time to one another, esp outside the office. You are in the position of always being second fiddle, and he will make it seem like his marriage is an OBLIGATION. I promise you, Lgl_Chic, you will feel so awful inside on holidays, because he will most likely be with them, esp if he has children. When you spend time with him, or do sexual things with him, I promise you your feelings will begin to take a real stronghold on you. This is when you will feel an awful jealousy, that I can't even describe, except to say, it will make you sick in your heart. You will understand that you ARE sharing him, even though he will say something to the contrary, as, "we don't have sex", "we live separate lives,"ect....I TELL YOU, YOU WILL BEGIN TO FEEL SO BAD, THE MORE YOU FALL IN LOVE, BECAUSE IN REALITY HE IS NOT YOURS. Remember that the fact that he is married will begin to affect all of your life, the deeper you get in. On holidays, you will most likely see him for a little while, because he has to spend time with them...they WILL get the large chunk of his time during the holidays. When he leaves your place, if he does not spend the night, it will be harder and harder to see him go, and you'll ask him if he is going home to her. You will want to introduce him to your friends and family the more you fall in love, and how will the people in your life respond to this? My mother never met the man who sadly had my heart for 4 years. She would not until he divorced his wife, and my sister who is younger than me, simply did not understand, and for a while, did not talk to me for 6 months, and would not see me for a year. And when you are not with him, his wife will eventually become an obsession to you.. it is horrible to endure esp when you two have just spend the evening in a very romantic way. You'll begin to YEARN simply for something normal, and become jealous of people who are actually normal, as bizarre as this seems.
I am going on and on, and there is so much more pain here associated with dating a married man I could go on forever, but I'll give you advice I think you need, that may help the most. If you do continue with him, I hope you are a patient girl. I will say that if he really loves you, he will divorce his wife. If she is the long-suffering, uncomplaining type, you just may be in for a long haul. Wrong or right, men want to be with women who love being in bed with them, who respect them, esp their time, understand their work demands, and believe it or not, the most important part of getting a man to spend time with you is to be fun, and make him want more of you. If he has habitually cheated on her, it would appear to me that he does not really love her, and you just may be another one - if he spends a lot of time with you, you just may be able to get him, if you're smart. If this is the first time, he may be going through a mid-life crisis, and you need to determine if he really loves you or just is afraid of getting old. If you want to get him, you must be nicer and better than his wife. You will be in competition with her, whether you realize it or not...because deep in your heart your goal is to have him all to yourself, and while he is married, he NEVER will be all yours....Understand that giving your whole heart to a married man is simply giving to a person who can only give you a PART of his...THIS was the most painful thing.
If you calls you, I hope you tell him you don't want to date a married guy, period, and if he is ever divorced, THEN he can give you a call. THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE. Good luck, and I hope everything no matter what you do, will turn out well for you -
Anna V.
