This is my first enotalone posting. I've read this site before and know that many of you have great advice to offer, and enotalone also seems like a generally very supportive community. That's what finally convinced me to post about my problem.
I'm 24 years old. I live fairly maturely and definitely independently - paid my own way through college, and have supported myself with a great job I love ever since. I have generally always tried not to be too dependent on anyone. Despite this independence, I would not describe myself as mature by any means. In many ways I still behave like I did in college...going on benders with my friends on the weekend, living pretty frugally and, to sum it up, still happy with beer from a plastic cup instead of wine from a glass over dinner. I'm happy for things to stay that way for a while - I mean, you have the rest of your life to really grow up, right?
Relationship-wise, I am even more immature. I've only ever had two girlfriends, one my senior year of college, the other the girl I am with now. I had my first kiss when I was 21! Anyway, suffice to say I still feel green. My first serious relationship actually only ended after I left college - she went abroad, dumped me and I was heartbroken. I was totally depressed for 2 months until I met the girl I am with now. We met, loved each other and basically slept over at one or the others' place every night after the first weekend. So there was no transition period...and the relationship has been very serious, almost like living together because we were hardly ever apart. And I have enjoyed every second of it - it's been a wonderful relationship, and I know I love her. She's also 28.
However, even from the beginning, she was always moving more quickly than I was really ready for. She'd be waiting for me when i got home from working late, having cooked dinner and sitting around with nothing to do. She would buy things for my apartment that I supposedly needed, like extra shelves etc. (I guess to make it look less like a college dorm room). Basically, many small things that would make me feel as though my life was just a little less my own.
She also started talking about things I was never totally comfortable with. Marriage. Kids. That we should try to always live in the same city from now on. I always deflected. I really feel strongly about this girl - I love her a great deal - and so never wanted to disappoint her. At the same time, that stuff is just not even on my radar.
Now, after a year of basically living together, she has moved away for 8 months to Japan to study the language there. Before she left, I experienced a lot of stress due not only to the fact that I was upset and was going to miss her a great deal, but also because she did things like leave a bunch of stuff in my apartment, including pictures on the wall etc. I honestly felt like she was directly marking territory or something.
Since she has left (been about a month now), I have had the first extended period since I can remember to kind of think and behave by myself independently again. And I like it. We have been speaking on the phone almost twice a day (it's almost always she who is doing the calling). She seems very insecure, constantly telling me she's worried'I might leave her, that I can't that she is getting too fat (she has some body-image issues, but that has never been a concern for me), and I am constantly trying to comfort her. At the same time, almost every day I feel more and more that this is my chance to be free again, that I should be honest with her that I am just not ready for what she wants and that we should call it off. I have to make the decision soon. When she gets back, she wants to live together. If I go to grad school, or get another job somewhere else, she has said she will do everything she can to follow me - I've tried to convince her that she should focus on her grad school plans. I've also told her that I am not willing to follow her, that I'm too young, and that I still want to do some adventurous things before it's too late, like 6-month backpacking trips, or taking a new and exciting job somewhere else just to try it out before I am totally set on my career. She is non-stop talking about marriage and kids. I don't think I want to do that stuff for another 10 years, but obviously her biological clock is ticking.
Sorry for the long post. Basically, I feel if our ages were reversed, I would no doubt propose to her tomorrow. But right now, I feel too young and her biological clock is ticking. How do you break up with someone you love just because of age like this?
