This is so Difficult to Write .
May 2000 I Met a Beautiful Lady who introduced herself to me and well it went on from there . Feb 2006 And she said she no longer Loved me . To say I was in Shock was an Understatement , sure like all Couples we've had our share of Ups and Downs , but this was a bolt from the Blue and there followed lots of Talk but i was stonewalled all the way.
Theres no one else Involved in this neither of us are/were looking for other partners
On and Off
I Left to stay at a friends that Night had a few beers she rang me and asked me to come Home. I Explained that I couldn't come home till the Morning. the Following Morning she was Distant and i could tell she Regretted there and then asking me Back .
I left again and Stayed at a Hostel for 1 week . We Rang each other Every Day me Usually in Tears begging to Come Home .She asked me to come home again
A few Days Later and yet again things were going Badly between us so I Slept in the Shed for 12 Days and Nights , we saw each other Briefly each Day she came in to see me more and more as each Day Passed . I as usual Begged and Pleaded to save our Marriage and she Relented
4 Months ago we Split up again I Slept in a Van for 12 weeks there was on and off Contact she asked me to visit and I stayed Over for 1 night the following Morning I went to work but in the Evening the Wall came up again so back to Sleeping in the Van . I asked for a Transfer to another area at Work and Found somewhere to Live 150 miles away from My Home .
She again Asked me Over I stayed over for 2 Nights and things went Really well all the time we kept in Touch Via Texting arranging to see each other the Following week . she Started seeing a Counseller . The Day before I was to go and See here again she sent me a Text asking me not to come over with no reason or Explaination . I rang her at Home and that was the last time we spoke on the Phone .
She still want's Contact with me and is allways sending me Texts and Messages Occasionally saying that one day she hopes we can be together again , but the Texts are so infrequent I don't Text her I let Her Text me First then I reply as I feel that way i'm not putting Her under any Pressure .
Just Recently we have been Talking on Messenger , I find it difficult to Talk about Day to Day Things as i'm so Pre-occupied with Trying to Save My Marriage and feel so Depressed as I can see from what she is writing that she has moved on but hasn't got the Courage to tell me and I can't Let her go so I accept anything she offers too me any small crumb of contact on her terms , but it hurts so much to see her write some of the things she does . I've tried cutting off all contact with her Explaining how much it hurts but She has rung me or Texted me saying she misses me and because I Love her so much I reply and we start off again and this builds up my Hopes but by the same Token she doesn't wan't to see me know at all as she says it's too difficult .
She says one minute she Loves me and want's me back the next she doesn't and that she can't get the feelings back she had for me and is scared of hurting me but as things stand everything hurts
WE are Both Guilty of not talking to each other when things wern't going right earlier on in our Life Together and most of the things that went Bad were my fault I did Change a lot of things about myself but I think it was too late as I can feel the Differences when we were together we were growing apart there were brief moments of the Old Us which was Fantastic but also Sad as it made me Realise how much I was/am Loosing now .
So Fast Forward to Today It's New Years Eve and my First One on my Own in 7 Years and it feels like the End Of My World because in my Heart I've known for so long this Was The Love of My Life , The One & Only
Having spent the Last 10 months Crying my Guts out each night , not feeling sorry for myself but Regretting Everything i've done wrong that has got me here to this point
how the hell do I go on from here
