I am glad to have found this forum, and hope you guys have some good advice. This may be a long one...
I have been dating a girl for four years now, and we have lived together for much of that time.
When we first met, she drank ridiculously. Following a particularly embarrassing night for her, she quit drinking. She hasn't had a drop of alcohol in three years, and I am grateful for that, though I wish she had done more with AA than go to six meetings. She also suffers from a chemical imbalance, and is on Effexxor and many other anti-depressant-type drugs.
We generally have a happy home life, but there are several recurring conflicts. She gets angry with me about several things, including not saving money, leaving dirty clothes around, and a tendency to accidentally break things. The anger she can generate over a shirt left on the floor would boggle the mind. I am told that when I accidentally break something (such as a dish), or forget something (like having to run back in the house to grab the grocery list), or leave a shirt lying around, that is indicative of my complete lack of respect for her and makes her feel worthless. She generally accuses me of not contributing to "us."
Some more background...as she was quitting drinking, she went through a lot of turmoil. She lost a job and got evicted from her apartment. She moved in with me (into my 700 sq. ft duplex), and we have since lived in several nicer places.
Since quitting drinking, it has been virtually impossible for my girlfriend to maintain any sort of job consistency. She had a decent job when we met, and got another one after moving in with me. I was fortunate enough to receive a substantial raise a few years back, and two days later she announced that she needed to "quit her job." I said that was fine but she needed a plan for income...I don't make enough to sustain the two of us in our accustomed-to lifestyle. She quit her job with no plans for a new job. I told her that was unwise, and she used the "it's-all-I-can-do-to-keep-from-drinking" excuse. This excuse is used frequently when her contributions to the relationship are waning.
Since then, she has worked small jobs off and on, but for the bulk of the relationship, I have shouldered the entire financial burden. I never press her to get a job or about income, and hope that by giving her some freedom, she will see the light and find her way to happiness and productivity.
Far from that happening, what actually has happened is that she spends more and more time isolated in the home. We only have one car (which I use to get to work--hers was repo'ed two months ago), and she claims to be "getting the house in order once-and-for-all" so she can then set about finding a decent job. I argue that life happens all at once, and you can't make earning an income dependent on having a perfect house as a prerequisite.
Now, of course, I'm finding out that it's ME who's keeping her from having the house cleaned perfectly, thereforeeee keeping her from being able to get a job.
Last night, having worked all day, and having gotten home after getting all the groceries on the list she emailed me, I could tell she was in a bad mood. Very calmly, I asked if I had done something to upset her. Her response: "LOTS of things!!" I then had to hear about some dirty dishes left in the sink, a shirt I left on the floor...you know, the important stuff!
Used to be, we'd have these conversations and they always end with me, usually tearfully, pledging to do better and acknowledging to get some help with my issues. But you know what? Last night I didn't care. I told her that if she insists on tying her happiness to how I keep a home or whether I break a dish, then she will certainly have a miserable life. I told her she makes mountains out of molehills and it's all in her head. Perhaps we're just not compatible, I said, and we should ackowledge that as adults and move on. She threw out some comment about: "So that's how it is, you get to be the one to decide when we're through!!" I said, "This has nothing to do with credit for a breakup...we simply may be happier apart than together."
Some will say I am being cold-hearted, but the support I have given this woman in the last four years has pushed me to the brink, emotionally and financially, and I now feel that her in my life has become a liability. I have agreed to look into couples counseling with her, but I am convinced that her refusal to accept responsibility for her psyche and herself will never get better. She hasn't had a drink for three years, but her counselling consists of going to the county MHMR to get her meds...i.e., no real counselling at all. I don't feel any compunction to explore a future together if she won't take responsibility for her condition. If that's being harsh, I'm sorry...I am simply not equipped to be her counselor and total support in her life when she refuses to help herself.
Does this have any possibility of turning out decently with counselling? Or does my attitude indicate that this relationship is pretty much done? I love her immensely, but I am not the source of her pain and will not live a life where I blamed for it. I simply cannot be miserable from day-to-day, no matter how much I care for her.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I appreciate any feedback.
