I'm so tired lately. working and college is wearing me out. All my life I have never been passionate about anything. All I felt was greed, and indifference. I wanted money, fancy cell phones, video games, all that plastic crap I engorged myself with.
I kept seeing the people around me, and their shallowness disgusted me. I felt different from these people, there was no one I could really talk to about anything. In many ways, I lived in a world of my own construction. I felt this emptiness inside me, always, but I never knew what it was. I kept buying things to try and fill this emptiness, but it never filled it, it just left me emptier than before. I always felt I was searching for something, but I never knew what for.
I got a message from someone on msn almost a year ago, and out of sheer boredom I began talking to her. Quickly I realized how much we had in common. She told the same jokes, did the same things, had the same views about the world and whatnot. She was smart, not ditzy or shallow like the people that surrounded me everyday.
Weeks turned into months, and I began to come to grips with the fact that I had fallen in love with someone 2000 miles away in canada. She told me she loved me, and I felt something I had never known. I saw myself has unattractive, how could anyone love me?
My problem is that even though I talk to this person every day, and I tell her every secret I have, and even though I laugh and comfort her, I still feel an emptiness inside me. It's just a different emptiness. I stay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, wondering how life can be so unfair. Why does the only person that can make me smile have to be so far away? Why can't people like this be at my campus?
My relatives and family think I'm insane. My friends think I'm setting myself up for failure. Every day at work I see some couple holding hands, and I'm gripped with this realization that I can't do even a simple thing as hold the hand of the person I love. After a wonderful year of communicating and sharing emotions with this person, I need to hold her more and more every day but I can't. I feel these waves of depression every time I drive home, every time I work, or have time to just think. I try to keep my mind busy so I don't think about my situation, but it rarely works. She IS my situation. She is my life. Out of every human being on this earth, she is the only one that loves me and understands me. I have all this money from my job, but it doesn't make me happy. I don't even look forward to my paychecks anymore. I need something that money can't buy this time.
I just want to give her the world. I want to make her happy, and see her smile and laugh. All I want in this world is for her to be happy, I will do anything it takes. There is no distance on this planet that I wouldn't travel to help her if she needed it. I'd do anything for her. Not because I feel I have to, but because I really want to make someone happy. I think the emptiness inside me will be filled if I can make her happy always.
I'm going to visit her in two weeks, and it's all that's on my mind right now. That's about it.
