L.J.

Dilly !! Long time no see. How are you? How's the new baby? You are a new mom, aren't you? Hugs to you and the newborn ... on the way with the next warm breeze.

I can do this. I can familiarize with life afresh. I will

Of course you can ... as long as you don't bring the past to the table. Jump over the bridge and build wings on your way down ... breathe ... smell the freedom ... you're liberated !!!

Okay - that makes sense.. I'm gonna go out and relax and enjoy... I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go.

 

Dang it.... I am worried that as soon as I hang out with someone else, I will feel weirdly "unloyal" or that it will feel so "unfamiliar" that I will miss the familiarness of him even though our rel wasn't good.

That's the whole point of the process ... you are familiarizing life afresh. There's nothing disloyal about it. Leave the past behind and enjoy getting to know your reconnected friend better. Have a blast ....

Indeed you are not alone. You have virtual friends and a good support system in the real world. Seem like you're doing all the right things, getting in touch with old friends and reconnecting with not so old ones.

Everybody deserves to live and laugh a little... or a lot. Why would you want to stay home on a Friday night obsessing about the negative? Go bowl and dine .. have fun !

I think somehow it all just hit me "I'm all Alone!" Of course being all alone is better than being with him!

Note To Self:

Stop knocking on that door of unhappiness! Look at the bright future and the endless opportunity ahead of you!

When we live our lives long enough for or with others, it's easy to forget ourselves. Sometime our expectations are focused on the people around us, what we want them to be, who we want them to be. We only want the best for them.

Maybe it's time to focus on yourself. Push boundaries ... is there something you want to live for? Be the person you want to be .... for yourself, for your kids? You are NOT alone. We are here with you.

Hey ITG,

Sorry to hear what you are going through but it's an astute decision though. There's no intrinsic value in this relationship if he walks out every time the wind blows cold. You've deprecated his behavior for quite some time already. We've talked about this. Now you have the strength to strip the romance of the pretense of beauty.

Two months is not a very long time. I remember when I first dated my ex, I was always afraid to call too often or too late. It takes time to figure out the comfy zone. You can express your liking for him to check in and it's okay too to check on him too. It's nice for him to hear from you also.

Congratulation on your relationship and a very Happy New Year to the both of you.

Hey ITG,

You are strong and your calamity will pass, yield not to it.

You know why you're prolonging the inevitable but you don't know what you're prolonging the inevitable for. Unless J decide to sail along or until you decide to sail alone, you can't chart your map. Thus, you are lost. Round and round you go while sitting on the fence.

Season's greetings to you and your children. Best wishes for the Holidays.

L.J. accepting all this is the nastiest pill that I have ever had to swallow. I mean I don't have a choice. Is that step one lol.

In actuality, it is the second nastiest pill. Being cheated is the nastiest. You've already swallowed the first. We always have a choices. You are on step two and making good choices for step three for your well-being.

This is BS and I'm tired of getting it handed to me.

Reverse gender role. Pretend to be one of the women writing your post and read it again. The question you have will answer itself.... He who dig a pit for his brother will himself fall into it .

He has a tendency to go off tangent and not dealing with root issue. Whether you wanted him to leave or not, the business of your paying the bills is irrelevant. Is he interested in shared responsibility in expenses or is he interested in sharing a healthy relationship? He can pack and leave every time or he can pay all the bills he wants, the problem in your relationship is still prominent. It doesn't go away, does it?

Not entirely two years are wasted. Try not to think about the lost, but the gain ... growth. In healing, coming to term with what is, is the key (acceptance). What could you have done better or worst if he was already doing the worst one could possibly do by cheating? What can you do for better or worst to yourself now?

All the above reponses to your post are very good advises. It is a good idea to spend some time on your own to figure out your certainties. If you are not sure how to handling appointments, how can you be sure about a realtionship?

ITG, thanks for the compli.

Something good did come out of your transportation problem, you get to talk with him the way you like. Sound like you're closer to where the road forks. You do exhibit a desire to work things out in your posts. Why do you feel terrible for not being available to meet his parents? If they have questions, J has to answer, no?

ITG tells me I do!!!

 

But you guys make me smile!!!

 

Interesting way to bring about a point, a poetic delivery to be sure!!! I am not an enthusiastic proponent of NC either, at least not strict NC. But circumstances vary. In some cases, I'm sure I would never want to talk to an ex- again (I know of one person that I would never wish to talk to again, well two). But they were both freaky staulker types who didn't back off when I advised them to. It's funny, that's there are only two times - wow - that I've gone NC. When I go NC - it's without any doubt about the lack of worth the person has in my life. They really have to push the limits with me, usually selfishly so.

Thanks, Dilly,

I am not a proponent of NC myself but advocate independent decision. Ironically, I am on NC currently. It has been painfully educational. I see it as tool for soul searching, a penultimate step to reconciliation or breaking up, not as a device to define good and evil, right or wrong. I'm growing up ... finally

obfuscation - man I need a dictionary. That's like the third time in my life I've seen that, usually on words of the day. HEHEHEHE.

 

I think I understand what you are saying, LJ, but I'm not sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me so I don't feel dumb. COuld you please be more clear and dumb down your last point?

Dilly, you're funny. You have a way to make people smile, don't you? You too ITG

Need is imperative but not necessarily a determining factor for happiness (can be compromised, depending on individual). It is up to ITG to decide.

Vision is imperative to seeing. Hearing is imperative to listening. Would you talk to a blind about color? Would you speak to the deaf about music? Obfuscating, isn't it? Beethoven composed the Ninth Symphony when he was completely deaf, did he not?

Be true to thyself but truth has anomaly (what am I blathering about ....lol)

Each of us has a faculty for obfuscation in perception of our need from a relationship. Nobody can promise you happiness by NC. That decision has to come from you and you alone.

You have much on your plate, children, household, work, etc., compounded by the break down of your car. Yes, when it rains, it pours. You're not weak, weak, weak, but vulnerable right now. Least you're trying to keep a smile when it's raining cats and dogs. I hope you'll have a car too by next week, in time for the holiday season.

Ever have one of those "I'm a loser" days? Are you kidding me? I have many especially of late. Oh well, I cried because I have no shoes, until I see a man with no feet !!

I've never heard anyone say that they've had an X (the dumpee) be so persistent. It's bloody torture... My feelings keep getting put through the ringer!!!

my letters have been long and melodramatic. Perhaps a curt note will hit the spot.

It's bloody contradicting. You don't want to remain friends but don't break contact. You want to move on but don't maintain NC. You're depressed but pretend to be upbeat. You cut her off but send her long and melodramatic letters. Your feelings keep getting put through the ringer but you continue to be in touch. It's torture but you continue to participate in the game.

It explains why you don't know what to make of this. It's as complex as applying Newton's Three Laws of Motion to NC.

First Law: Law of inertia. ( Leave her alone)

A body at rest remains at rest, and a body in motion continues to move in a straight line with a constant speed unless and until an external unbalanced force acts upon it.

- An object that is not moving will not move until a net force acts upon it.

- An object that is in motion will not change velocity (accelerate) until a net force acts upon it.

Second Law ( If you leave her alone, she won't bug you forever, it slows and eventually comes to a stop).

The rate of change of momentum of a body is directly proportional to the impressed force and takes place in the direction in which the force acts (If one slides a hockey puck along a table, it doesn't move forever, it slows and eventually comes to a stop).

Third Law (If you don't leave her alone, she will continue to torture you).

To every action (force applied) there is an equal and opposite reaction (equal force in the opposite direction).

Another way of stating Newton's third law is that if object A exerts a force on object B, then object B exerts a force of the same magnitude on A, in the opposite direction.

Not so much on the packing and leaving itself, but his lack of enthusiasm to resolve issues. The worst thing I could do is leaving a love one unhappy on her own. It's inconsiderate, selfish and immature. It also come accross that he's not taking his share of responsibility .. assuming she will take care of everything.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

Now you got me thinking

Innocent words can be potent in the hands (tongue) of one who knows how to combine them.

_______________

Hey, you're not a doormat. You are stronger than you think!

Truth is, I just can't imagine saying/doing those things to anyone I care about.

It is not necessarily a weakness but a fine quality of yours. It's a quality most would appreciate if they care about you.

More important than the truth is the requirement of truth. He's exploiting the vulnerability of your quality. His remarkably lack of interest in discussion before picking up and leaving in 10 minutes is a prime example. Maybe he's expecting from past experience that you will say you didn't mean it.

If you can't imagine saying/doing any of those things to anyone you care about, don't. Continue to stand your ground ...that is strength, self-control, self-respect. Very quickly he'll learn that about you.

I DID NOT SAY THAT. (just a mean thought during our discussion...)

You contended your ground with grace and respect. I'm glad you didn't say that. You would have taught him by example that it's okay to be disrespectful for making you feel inadequate. That is graceful. By not expressing your mean thought, you are reluctant to bring yourself to his level of disrespect ..... That's respectful.

I'm keeping the reasons I did this in mind.

 

But I just miss him. And I don't like this phase. I don't like the thought of us never talking again. I don't really want to let go and now I don't have a choice.

 

Thank you..... I have to run. I'll check in later.

Your eyes are peering into the gloom but you're not doomed to crash in the pitch. The reasons you have in your mind will show you the impending light. We all dislike not talking again but it is the idea of them not listening that I disdain. How strange we continue to hanker after, isn't it?

I hate this.

You mean you loathe this? I do too. Hate is such heavy energy for a healing soul. We're with you.