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Juliana, I think of all the replies I've received, yours has hit home the most. I'm not sure I understand fully the psychology behind the "introjected self", but much of what you wrote concerning that made sense. My ex was athletic and strong, self-assured and stoic. All characteristics I show . .. but really am not. Yes, I certainly do have a sense of "lost self", as if I was born at the wrong time, to the wrong place, to the wrong parents, etc. Throughout my life I have never escaped the feeling I was leading a life that wasn't mine. My loves, my career, my entire life feels alien to me . . . as if I'm playing a character in a play, but it's not me. Freud substantiated I suppose, the relationship with my mother never approached anywhere near functional. She was an extremely depressed person, continually medicated, who spent portions of my childhood years in mental facilites. I grew into adulthood despising her and although I've begun to understand (and perhaps even to forgive her), she died 12 years ago. We weren't speaking then . . . more closure issues! My father was loving, but completely out of touch. A military man who is forever saying "No, I can actually say I've never felt depressed." The day my mother died, he told me he came home to his empty house and "allowed" himself just 45 minutes to grieve . . and that was it. During one of my mother's darkest periods, about the time I was 7, he went off to Vietnam. I couldn't turn to her for strength, so began to suppress, to force myself to not think of my own fears and insecurities and certanly not to depend upon her. I don't think I ever cared much for her after that. 4 years later, my father's best friend began molesting me. When that was discovered, the pedophile was simply discharged from the service, no legal action was taken as my father decided it was "best to just leave it alone." My parents never sought counseling for me and although I've had several sessions as an adult, there is just so much "scar tissue" to overcome. Superficially, it would appear I'm always in control, never wavering or faltering, but inside I'm a wreck. My current wife sees it occasionally, but it makes her nervous and I try to avoid dragging her through this mess as much as possible. My job is abusive and my boss is, at best, benevolently neglectful. A good analogy would be the beaten wife who's abusive husband constantly reminds her that is spite of being beaten at least she has a husband. I have actually had a opportuntities, but was not selected. All in all, adding to my low self-opinion. Now, I've little faith in myself and lack any amount of self-confidence and so am no longer looking as I can't bear another rejection. Where do I go from here?

I certainly appreciate everyone taking the time to response and provide advice, opinions, insights. My responses: My current wife is funny, charming, and wonderfully naive (what I mean is she believes in good and tells me not to worry because it will always be alright - even when all I feel is doom). She is a great friend (our relationship actually began purely as friends), not a great listener or deep thinker (not a positive on the surface, but it is in relation to the fact that I am an supreme over analyzer and I'm not suggesting lack of depth in her thoughts as stupidity, she just views life quite simply - I could use some of that). Her religious faith astounds me as she firmly believes in her convictions while I am an ardent atheist. I would welcome that sort of blissfulness if my mind would allow it. Most importantly, she is steady (not necessarily mentally - we both suffer from severe bouts of depression) but steady in the sense of loyalty. She has often told me she can, and will, deal with anything I can dish out, except infidelity (which, although based upon my horrible track record in that regard, I have honored and work very hard to keep in line on that issue). I have no doubts that in spite of my continuous attempts to drive her away, she will never leave. Her loyality is, by far, her most enduring characteristic. Finally, we don't take each other's mental defects too seriously. What I mean is we both accept the dysfunctionality of our relationship and our lives. I am always puzzled by people who advise that until you are completely free of dysfunctionalities you should avoid relationships. Are there really people (couples) out there who are 100% functional? Am I (we) the only ones? At times all this (life, my memories, my wife) wears on me (I'm sure us) and I hope for less strain, but my head never rests and I constanly feel as if I'm beating it against an imaginary wall and that the best I (we) can hope for is functional dysfunctionality (if that makes sense). Little of my issues have to do with her, unfortunately her and our relationship are the unwitting recipients of trauma I went through in my history. It's a transfer of feelings from someone in my past to the now. My current utter frustration and despair centers on those old memories. Someone else wrote about closure with my ex. No, there was no closure. She just left and I never heard from her again (except through attorneys). I suppose that would explain my fantasies of seeing her again. . . an attempt at closure. It will never happen though. I've no idea where she is and I am certain she would never contact me. We were from different worlds. I would guess she looks at her marriage to me as a complete mistake, as having married someone beneath them. I would argue against the fact that she cared about me and that's why she left. She was consistent in always taking care of herself first and had little sense of devotion or loyalty. More frustration! Why pine away from someone like that???!!!! Finally, I fail to see how telling my current wife about my feelings towards my ex would do anything but hurt her more. I am confident she wouldn't understand and only feel it means I'd rather be with my ex. The thing is I don't want to be with my ex. I want to be free of my feelings for her. I suppose it would be most accurate to say I'm not in love with my ex, but really just in love with what I thought my ex was . . .and turns out she wasn't. With all this, why can't I rid my head of her . . .why can't I stop "seeing" her everywhere and remembering everything about the time we were together? I can't bear the dreams of her anymore, I can bear the sense of shame and betrayal anymore! As far as feeling as if I'm 2 different people . . .yes, most definitely. I've never felt I belonged here (on the planet, at this time, whatever), as if I'm somehow living a life not intended for me. I've never felt wanted or respected, just usually ignored. I need to stop now and find something else to think about. Thanks to all again. I'll keep reading what you write and writing back.

Nobody on earth (who knows me) knows anything about what I'm going to write here; hence, the reason I am posting this anonymously on this website. I've run out of options and am frantically scambling for anything. How pathetic I sound. I'm nearing 50 years old and 10 years ago my wife of 8 months left me while I was in a psychiartic facility. I had suffered a nervous breakdown as I felt her slipping away from me and had attempted suicide. Her only explanation was that "there just was some things she couldn't handle" and she walked out. I've since remarried (for the last 5 years). But, I am so incredibly unhappy that everyday is a tremendous chore just to cope. Truth of the matter is I am still in love with my ex-wife, in spite of the fact I love my current wife. I have never told anyone, certainly not my current wife. This emotion is eating me up from the inside out. I have chronic headaches and my stomach is an absolute wreck. Doctors find nothing and attribute it to simply nerves, to which I agree. I still dream about her. I still see her face in other woman, I still remember vividly how she smiled, her voice, how she walked, how she smelled. I have fantasized thousands of times of her returning into my life. In some scenarios I scream my anger, frustration, and sense of betrayal at her, in most I just forgive her and tell her she's so much better off without me. My mind is poisoned by these memories and thoughts!. I still break down and sob uncontrolably about her. I can't move on, I can't relax, I can't open up to my wife now and our relationship, while not a wreck, is dysfunctional on a good day. I have no confidence in myself, suffer from tremendous self-loathing and hate myself for not having the guts to finish myself off. Everything emotionally in me feels dead. My wife now is a wonderful person and deserves so much better than me. It would kill her to know any of this which only adds to my frustration and despair. I have no right to hurt her, even if she doesn't know she's being hurt. She definitly deserves someone who can love her with their entire heart. She's kind and loyal and very understanding of my mental ups and downs, unlike my ex. Therein lies the dilemma. Why can't I get rid of these decade old chains to the past and recognize what I have now?! These are the thoughts that drive people mad I believe! I've gone to several therapists, tried uncountable types of anti-depressants, read several "self-help" books, drown myself in alcohol, clouded my brain with drugs and even made attempts at religion, with no relief. I'm at a loss of how to go on and have simply resolved myself to live in my own personal misery and hell till I finally get to die. I'm not exactly sure what writing about this will do for me. Nothing has worked before and I haven't hope this will.