Hello friends,
I'm new to this forum. I don't know any of you, and perhaps it's for the better. I come here with a problem and I hope this is the right place to get some input.
In summary:
I'm 25, graduated from university 2 yrs ago and now working in IT. She's 23, just graduated this year. Still has another year of college courses and 2 yrs of Master's before she can start looking for a job. I have been with my wife for 3 yrs, married for 1. We both think we're not happy in this relationship and considering separation/divorce. But we're also not sure if it's wise to throw out 3 yrs of our lives together. After all, we do have a lot in common and we don't hate each other.
I'll give you some background info. We've been seeing each other for 3 yrs, married for 1. When I first met her I didn't really find her very attractive. But I decided that since I don't have a gf atm, why not go for it. Later I noticed that she was quite pretty when she puts on a dress and lets her hair out. I go to know her and I really liked her. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty an all and I like her in many ways, but I just don't think she's the queen of hotness (by my standards).
We moved in together pretty quickly and our relationship advanced fast. We have tons of things in common, I feel completely relaxed w/ her, completely myself, not trying to pretend anything. The communication is great and we understand each other quite well. We decided we should marry. I thought I loved her, but there was always a thought lingering in my head that I might NOT. I didn't/don't know what true love feels like so I can't be absolutely sure whether my feelings were 'love'. We got married and things haven't been going all that well for the past year. Nothing big really happened, but it just feels that we're not as close to each other as before. The relationship isn't as warm and feelings of negativity are in the air.
Once, under the influence, I told her that I don't love her! That was as much of a shock to her as it was to me. It kinda blew over leaving a little scar on both of us. It happened AGAIN, a few months ago, under the same circumstances!
I started thinking that perhaps what I have told her under the influence is really how I feel but was never able to figure out (to really look deep inside me) sober. Just last week she told me that she thought hard about it and she thinks that I was right. I don't love her the way she wants to be loved. She wants a more caring relationship, more romance. That is not to say I don't care about her.. but something just isn't there.
She said it might be best if we separated...
Now I'm in complete panic. I'm scared, lost, totally clueless about what to do. I'm not even sure what I want. On one hand I do love her... I think. Perhaps not so much romantically but a true love of a friend (well, perhaps that's the problem, she doesn't wanna be loved as a friend). I care for her.
I wish her all the best. I'm comfortable with the fact that I'm "set", having a wife and a family means comfort and stability. We have so much history together, went to so many places and did so many things I can't even imagine being happy with somebody else.
On the other hand there IS some merit to what I told her (twice). Deep inside I'm not QUITE satisfied w/ my life and her. Yes, she's good and all, but not perfect. Something isn't complete that's preventing me from being happy. I have to listen to myself as well, and the fact that I told me WIFE that I DON'T LOVE her... TWICE... MUST mean something. Perhaps it WOULD be best for me to get separated and look for somebody else.
There are a few reasons that I think might be the cause of my unsatisfaction.
1. She doesn't have the idea body and looks (which are important for me) and doesn't quite posess the character I would IDEALLY like. BUT, she's SO close it's scary.
2. For the past 3 yrs I have been supporting us both. I'm working and she's still in school and will be for a while more. I may be blaming her on the fact that I'm not able to have the life that I want (vacations, cars, parties) b/c I have to support us both.
3. I immigrated to Canada when I was 13 and spent all my adolescence alone w/ no friends or girlfriends. So, I missed all this dating, sex and parties age. I feel that I lack it still, and perhaps don't appreciate the truly beautiful qualities of my wife b/c I still wanna "play".
But if I look at the reality of the situation, what are the chances of finding somebody better? Slim to none. I don't wanna go through all this dating game again (not that I ever had, I only had 3 gf's in my life). I don't even know how to properly pick up a girl. Should I stick w/ something that's 'good enough'? I may be confusing my feelings for her w/ being scared to be alone in this world. How to distinguish these?
I also have to think about HER. She also admitted that I'm not her ideal mate. But we decided that we like most things in each other and we were willing to live w/ it. She said that she wants a more stimulating conversational partner, somebody who reads books and is interested in music and literature. I, personally, am not that person. I would prefer to go travel in the deep jungle of Amazon then visit Europe. I would prefer to go for a hike in the mountains than read a good book.
I don't know if all of this makes sense to you. I tried describing the situation as honestly as I can.
Should I hold on to her and make her stay? Try to have a 'good enough' life together. We could realize we're REALLY unhappy when we're 30, but than it would be too late to find another partner.
Should I let her go and hope, just hope, that she will find somebody who will be a better match for her? Hope that I too, with time, might meet a better girl? B/c if we don't leave each other, we'll never know. But what we have right now is SO close to perfect, I'm really afraid letting her go would be the biggest mistake of my life.
I KNOW with my HEAD that's she's an angel in all respects and I LOVE her w/ my logic... but not my heart! Why? How? Did five years of mathematics completely rewire my brain and killed any hope of romance and love?
I love her parents. They adore me. Mine love my wife. All my friends think we're the greatest couple.
Another problem is that during these 3 years together I've ALWAYS been together w/ her. I seemed to have lost MYSELF. I almost never go out w/ my friends alone. I feel that I don't even know how to be MYSELF w/o her.
That's quite bad, but is not necessarily connected to her. It could be just for that fact that I have preferred to always be w/ my wife (b/c I enjoy that). So, for this problem, leaving her isn't necessarily the only option.
I could just get out more myself and have a life of my own. She can do the same, and perhaps that might fix things up.
She's suggesting to get a separation for now and live alone for some time. Maybe date other ppl and see what it's like. Perhaps living alone will make her realize that real life isn't a romantic fairytale and things that she expects from me don't go too well together w/ a 9-5 job. Maybe she'll appreciate me more? And if I see what "else" is out there I'll realize that what I already have is gold?
At this point I'm not adding anything constructive to the description of the situation. If you've read the whole thing, bravo.. go take a coffee break. i would appreciate your thoughts when you come back!
And for all you ppl out there:
"Don't be sad because it's over. Be happy because it happened!" © Anon
Cheers.
