I am new here and am in desperate need of advice. I have nobody I can talk to about it.
I am 22 and have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years with someone who was my friend from around age 11, we got together when I was 18. Our relationship didn't start out in any normal way. She had a boyfriend of 3 years at the time when we started seeing each other. At the beginning it was a bit on and off but after about a year we were in a fairly stable relationship. In the first 2 years we were fairly happy and confident with what we had. In the 2nd year she began to talk about marriage, this always made me very uncomfortable as I didn't feel at all ready for it. We continued on, marriage became a bigger and bigger issue, she was so ready for it and I was so tired of her always bringing it up and asking me when I would be ready. Marriage became something I just didn't want to even hear about anymore. More recently she and others have been asking me why I don't feel ready. After much thinking I believe it is a few things. One is that I don't feel at all happy with myself and who I am, I still feel like I don't know who I am and haven't yet found myself. How can I start a life with somebody else when I don't even know who I am. Secondly, I have been having doubts lately if we are right for each other, there are a number of things that make me think we might not work together.
I am happy being with her a lot of the time, it is in these times where I think 'yes, this can work, I want to be with her' and there are also a fair few times when I am not happy being with her and I don't want to be with her anymore.
I feel terrible because she is such a good person and I love her so much. I know she deserves better.
This whole issue is really dragging me down, I am so depressed, I don't know what to do.
I spend most of my time by myself at home or with my girlfriend as I have few friends here. My escape is going interstate to visit my best friend which I do a few times a year. I find these times when I am away from everything at home I am happy, I want to get away more and more. I hate where I am at the moment, I feel empty and unfulfilled.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
sorry for the long post.
