LONESOUL

Coollady1957, Thanks for the input, very helpful. I will do what is best for me

regardless. I will keep myself first as it has been the key to sanity, to my healing and to my recovery. NC was the way I choose to take care of myself

during the initial break up, it helped me so much to focus on myself and give myself a break away from the contact and conflict. I will

use it again if I need it, for now I think I will just let it ride and continue on

my incredible (and sometimes extremly painful, sometimes extremly enlightening) journey using. I do thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

Take good care.

Crying pony..my ex broke NC yesterday and we ended up speaking, but everyone is different and whewre they are and what works best as they are healing is a very idividual thing. I can tell you this, I did NC for about 40 days,

I would have tried to do it longer as I had no intention of calling my ex, but,

as life goes, something came up and she called me. I am glad she did or the circumstances for me would have been bad. Still, I did not speak to her until

I knew I felt like I was stong enough to do so. I could have hung up when I heard her voice, I did not . (and good thing~in my case becase she really did

need to let me know something) The thing is, I was not and am not going to do anything to "hurt" my healing. My recovery is the most important thing in

my life right now. But NC is a good thing to give you space to heal, as long as you need it.

Coollady1957,

I am not sure about NC now. Although I believe in NC, because it allows time

and space to heal. For me, it was critical to getting to this point. (but..where is this point where I am? That is what I am still trying figure out) My first feeling? I don't think I will go back to NC,(and yes I was honest and asked myself if that is because I am holding out hope, secret or not for a reconcilation..I am not, although I love this woman, we cannot be together and I am happier now)

but I do think I will do LC. Neither of us are ready to be in a "friendship" not yet. If, LC proves to be unhealthy for me, I will go back to NC. At this point I am not sure what I need to do, except continue to put

myself first regardless of the method. Do you have an opinion or a suggestion

about that? Or does anyone else? I'd love to hear the input because like I said, I need all the help I can get.

Yes, it was Desert, when we were together we were only hurting one another.

(not in the first few years, and not always through out but..)

7 years is a very long time, yes.

She hurt me much more openly then I did her, but the end result is that we ended up hurting one another because we were not the right people together and could not make it work because we were really different people. (my ex can be so shady, really lol..)

But, there is love, and I know that now, it was their, it is their now~but the

realtionship is over, and we are both better for it. Its a painful bittersweet

acceptance and I am going to have to go through it.

"The one thing I've realised this past few months is that the memories with my ex are great and one day I will pour them over me like Chanel No 5, but right now I might as well hop to it and make new memories."

I like that, and it is a very true. So very very true. I will pour it over myself as well~but until then I still have memories to make and healing to do. Part of

the healing IS forgiveness and acceptance that is the process I believe I am

entering. Thanks so much for help, I can use any help I can get.

I am having very mixed feelings and emotions! Thank you so much for validating that this would happen, it makes it feel normal because I tell you right now I am raw with emotion. I loved her very much, still do,

but our realtionship was not a healthy one and after 7 years I think we both

got to the point where we couldn't take anymore. I actaully made the move to physically leave first but who knows menally what happened while we were still together. It wasn't good...but still that was the "realtionship" part of us,

she was my best friend (and I was hers and we both have felt betrayed I think) and that is what miss, my friend~ she does too I think. And I think that is a huge part of my pain. I am flooding over with emotion today,

the tears have spilled and spilled...it's all so sad. But then, there is the promise of a new life, with new memories and new laughter apart from the pain I am leaving...***sigh*** it's such a long tiring process isn't it?

I feel stange today. My ex called me yesterday after we have not spoken

in about 40 or so days. She had good reason to call me, she actually did

me a favor by calling. I ended up needing to go to the house, which meant

seeing her. It went really well. She looks good, but I guess the stress of everthing has left her looking a bit tired and more worn than I recall. We were very civil, and pretty much kind to one another and it was a nice change from the way we spilt up. I realised that it was okay to miss her, and that I do~but I don't want to be back with her. She called me this morning again and was very sweet, I think us getting along yesterday threw her for a loop. I think I am further along in my healing then I thought I was, and that is a very good thing. I am not sure where she is, she is more like someone who simply doesn't deal with issues. I guess our break up would be considered an issue because 3 months later I don't think she has allowed herself to deal with it completely. She told me last night and this morning that she is struggling, but hanging in. I need to keep moving forward myself, but this was a page turned and I still am not completely sure what it is that I am feeling, maybe it will all sort itself out as the day goes on. I'm not at the point where I am ready to wish her well yet, but I think I might be getting (for the most part) past the point of hoping her life is not better without me. The thing is, her life is better without me, as her partner, and mine is better without her, as my partner, and it's starting to be okay to say and feel that. Life, does go on. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute, but I am learning so much through my pain.

TBD~hi Good to hear from you. I'm sure that must have been really difficult for you. But listen, does it change anything? Because if you are not going back, and she is not coming back, then isn't it just more water under a bridge? You were doing okay, you were moving on, you are there yet..

stop looking back just because she might call your name...forward is the

direction you are going. Shake it off, put it behind you with the rest.

I wonder this everyday, and then I push it out of my head because it doesn't

really matter that much. We can't go back anymore~and that will one day very soon be a good thing.

Great post as usual Orlander! Good for you! I'm fightin too!

I 100% agree with bluegal, am going through it all myself. Hang in there,

our ex's were a huge part of our lives, good or bad, and it will hurt for a while,

but we can get through this. Take good care,

Lone

I try so hard not to think about my ex, but it still seems like every 5 minutes, there she is. We spent 7 years together, and we have only been apart for like

14 weeks, so I try not to be too hard on myself, but I am ready for that to

stop. I try really hard to think about other things~and the time marches on, but still somehow she remains (even when I think about the bad things)

At the end I used to wonder if I really loved her that much or if I was just used to her. (plus she was a very messed up person so (mentally) was it pity?

I know now. She is a user, a cheater, untrustworthy, brash, loud, and rude. She was abusive and self serving and disfuctional as h*ll, but yeah, I loved her. I loved her anyway.

She just did me wrong one too many times and I could not put myself through it anymore. I just couldn't. I have learned though that "once" is one to many times.

Desert~ post on another art sight, let her have that one, and anything

else that causes you great grief. It's about YOU now. Her time is over by

her own choice. I get the mad part though, I'm still ticked off at mine as well,

and at myself, for staying so long in that mess.

Sad now, yes it sure is!! I understand though, I have felt used and mistreated and like a fool too. I trhink most people have felt that way at one time or another. Look at it this way. He is scum and now you are free to

reinvent yourself and find someone who really treats you right. Hang in there.

Take good care,

Lone

I felt like that for a while (and every no and then, minus the die a horrible

death part) but the thing is, I think karma will take of my ex. Plus, my ex is

very disfunctional so she will do to herself much worse than I could ever

wish on her anyway. Try to learn to channel all of that negative energy you are using to wish this person harm, into positve energy you are using on yourself to heal.

Moonflowers, your post was very helpful and kind. Great analogy~the

receding tide, that is exactly how it is with the emotion.

You are right, and I have said that myself, "the only way out, is through."

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am holding on.

Take good care,

Lone

I can relate to all of this too. I am on that roller coaster as well right now. i thought I was doing much better (and I am, I know I am) But for some

reason yestaerday and today it whacked me in the face too. I want to call

her, I want to reach out. And why? It would only get me so so very hurt

all over again.

Good advise Ellie2006, maybe I just need to tell myself to expect the sadness from time to time that way i won't be so caught off guard. I just want the

sadness to end completely and I get upset when it returns.

Dako, Orlander and Now better~thanks for taking the time along with Desert to come to my aide. Dako, I quit smoking nearly 6 months ago after smoking for 27 years.The first few days were lots of fun~ah the joys of withdrawing from the toxic things in my life. You are right to use the term bad habit, because my realtionship (unlike yours as I have read in the past) was not always good.Not even close. Orlander..good suggestion. I have done so,

what a merry go round that talk was...

Now better, I will write to her a letter and keep it just for myself, I have done

that once before actaully and it did help some, I also keep a journal now and then (not daily)

One of the things that really blows my mind, now that I am actaully taking the time to pay attention to myself is how quickly my emotions change

and how I never really know how I am going to feel from day to day.

And also how sometimes I think I have worked through, or cried through, a

memory, an issue a feeling,a stage (anger etc it comes round' again to

bite me~most of the time when I am not expecting it. This process is so frustrating and I so want to keep a positive attitude that days like today discourage me. Plus, it's rainy here, that isn't helping I don't think. I know one

thing~I do not want to give her not one more second of power over me. I want to be in control of my life, and I want to get through this. I know contacting her would do that. I wish I knew what I thought I was missing.

Thanks Desert, I like I said I have no idea what I even really want to say.

Hey, thanks for screwing up my life. **sigh** already said it, and much more.

I do not want her to have any power over me anymore, and I am the one giving it to her by even "feeling" anything. agggg.

Hi friends, I need a little bit of encouragement today. I am not sure

of what day of NC this is, maybe 35 or so, the break up is 13 weeks.

I really want to call her the last few days. I don't even know what the h*ll

I want to say. It not like I didn't get the chance to say anything, I did,

we both did. We both said too much. Our relationship was never going to work,my ex has way to many and after 7 years of trying I finally got strong

enough to walk out the door. It got pretty ugly at the end. My ex is

very selfish and she has no idea how to really be in a healthy rellationship.

there fore, I have now left quite brused and broken myself (my soul and my heart, not my body) Why is this happening again, this cycle of anger, pain

or whatever it is. I try so hard to force her from my thoughts, but

sometimes it feels like "here she comes again" I do miss parts of her, the fun times. And I miss the dreams I had of what we could have been, but I don't

miss the arguing, the jealousy and the being controlled. What is going on with me that I am still mourning this person? I so want this to be over. I know

I am better off without her. Anyway...wake up call somebody, please, I don't

want to give in and call her.

I agree, she should be telling her whoes to the new bf.

She should be his issue now.

NC works for me. My ex is whack and contact was crazy.

But for some people NC is more painful for them. I say, if you

can heal while staying in contact and it is less painful then maybe

that is what you should do. Everyone is different. Like I said

I would still be burning in that crazy fire if it were not for NC. (now it's

a stinging smoulder..)

NC has gives me the space I need to sort myself out and heal and I

really am not sure how I would have gotten this far still speaking to my very

selfish ex. My heart is broken, so for me NC is just me covering it for

a while, so it can heal. Venting, sharing, crying, laughing here at enotalone

helps so much too! Either way, you will be okay so hang in there!

Take good care

Lone

Orlander, I'm sorry that worked out like that, BUT better to get the warning

early on right? I am sure that must have been really frustrating and a little strange. (the whole same church, ect..) You are right to continue on your

journey and in my opinion you handled it beautifully.

She's out there. (and she might even like being tied up, who knows?..ahem)

Take good care,

Lone

It blows my mind I gave so much of myself to someone so heartless.

HEARTLESS, you think that is something you would not miss. Yes, it helps me

too (anger) but first I shove a heaping helping of self pity down my own throat till I want to throw it up all over myself. I don't want to date. In fact

right now I don't even want to think about dating, or being touched. (well

except when I roll over at night, then I want someone there.) I just can't do it. The good thing is my apartment will be ready in one month. I am looking forward to that...think I will drive by there tonight, it sounds silly but it makes me feel better having something, anything, to look forward to.

I blame myself somedays too. But then I realise, like you did that my ex was really a nut. She really is just a freaking nut. What should I expect?

Dako~

Your posts have helped me so much since I found this site. I love to read them, funny, sad, wise, or inspirational, I look forward to them. It helps people

so much to find a place like this, and people like you to help. Thanks~I

will raise my glass to you as well. I wish you everything good as you continue on your journey. Take good care~

Lone

Feeling that roller coaster the last couple of days myself...would like the ride to come to a complete stop so I can gather my personal belongings and take small children by the hand while exiting the ride. ***sigh***