confuzzled123

Oops. My apologies for the colorful language, I'm embarrassed. I'll give it another shot, here's an edited repost: You're right. The anticipation is bumming me out already. Part of me is screaming,"Stop! What the heck are you doing?!", the other part just wants to breathe again at any and all costs. I wish the process was painless. Shouldn't it be though? Considering the circumstances? Does everyone find it so difficult to cut ties when your relationship is unhealthy in a blindingly apparent way and making you more miserable and stressed than any of the good aspects combined, or is it just me? I should be able to let go, right? Is it normal? I'm so dazed because this has never happened to me before. A while back I would have laughed without a single reservation at anyone that could have told me I'd ever be wrapped up in a situation like this. The only possible thing I could attribute this to is my life's worth of karma delivered in one payload. I used to be a first class jerk. Nothing like a little taste, or pharmacy-ful, of your own medicine to see the error of your ways, yeah? Very recently I was dubbed "selfish" for not agreeing to do something that would have made me beyond uncomfortable and feel like crud, followed by probable adverse physical reactions. It's not like she's oblivious to the history behind my adamant no, she could write my biography in details enough for 100 different volumes. I chose to explicitly remind her anyway. To paraphrase, she basically told me how much she did not care about my feelings precisely because they were my feelings and not hers. Another one of her kernels of logic was the fact that she had done things for people that she hadn't necessarily wanted to do or even liked to do on numerous occasions--because wow with that selflessness she must clearly be a candidate for sainthood, which maybe would have given her leeway to define selfishness and preach about all things selfless if it were indeed true. I pointed out the fact that I have never, and would never ask her or expect her to do anything that she was not 500%, without a shadow of a doubt, comfortable with or into, which is true a million times over. This teeter-totter of reasoning went on for ages and ages. I refused all the way up to the point where I was finally told in more than two words to "f" off, but surprisingly... or not, I still felt scummy, and more than a little guilty. I considered going back to apologize again and comply despite the toll it would take on me. Now I feel obliged to make it up to her. I can't believe how easy it is to convince myself that I was the wrong party, to convince myself that the good times outweigh the bad, when I'm not and they don't. I have many little moments of clarity, but I'll forget and re-convince myself because when it's good it's not just good, it's overwhelmingly good, almost perfect, perfect enough for me to just ignore the other 80%. Am I just a whiner or was my response in that scenario fully justified? Any tips on emotionally distancing myself, letting go, moving on, or all three?

Thanks for the welcome and the feedback! Both of you are right. I'm not going to allow myself to justify her actions and belittle my valid reactions anymore, I'll take them in exactly as she hands them to me. It's warped that she pines for a parasitic a--hole who won't even give her the time of day when I'm breaking myself trying to make her happy, crazy is an accurate description as far as I'm concerned. I'm not a masochist. Sitting tight, and letting it build seems like the best and most efficient course of action, I need that clear radar reading--stat! I'm looking forward to graduating, I could really use those credentials under my belt. Rest assured I will be utilizing a heavy duty protective cup in the future.

My current relationship has been the rocky rollercoaster ride from hell thus far. As it stands, my gf says she's in love with me and loves me so much that I push everyone else out of her heart, so much that there aren't enough words in an Oxford dictionary to even begin to describe it, she says she wants to be with me for the rest of her life, we talk about babies and marriage and every other feature included in the whole package. When we met she was still getting over her ex, and they had broken up months and months ago at that point. Her ex cheated on her and treated her horribly, but throughout their on-again, off-again relationship she idolized this person and welcomingly laid herself out like a mat for repeated use and continued to do so, whilst engaging in stalker-ish behaviors after the final breakup. Their whole relationship took place in a short span of 6 months. Initially, every other utterance from her mouth was about her ex, how "gorgeous" this person was, every aspect of their sex life, how she practically killed herself and martyred her pride and her sanity and every living, breathing, quaking ounce of her body, heart and soul to be with this person, to answer their every beck and call, fulfill and indulge every whim. Whatever situation we were in was never a factor that made her bite her tongue, it didn't matter if we were being intimate, or basking in the afterglow, or just hanging out, no circumstance would or could spare me from having to hear this ode. I knew everything about this person, from favorite movies to favorite positions and techniques to birth marks to things that no one should ever know about another human being, and I had never even met them! And nothing really stood out, I didn't hear anything spectacular, so I could never really wrap my head around why she was so hung up, the sex wasn't mind-blowing, she was clearly being used as a sex tool/every day servant/second string play toy/some type of mental S&M punching bag. Throughout this period she claimed that she hated her ex with a passion, but would still let this person walk all over her and then she'd come to me and tell me how much she hated them and how much of a jerk they were. We fought a lot in the beginning, it was a very two sided thing, but then she just became verbally and emotionally abusive, we've broken it off a few times, but have always patched it up straight away and gotten back together--mostly thanks to my salvaging. When I tried defending myself she would just get angrier and more abusive so I stopped, there was no point, I didn't want to argue, I wanted it to be done with quickly, and when I didn't yell back she told me I was a coward and a * * * * * and so whipped she could get away with anything, and then proceeded to prove her point! Either way, nothing satisfied her. Talks about her ex kind of dwindled. The abuse raged on stronger than ever and a while back she confessed that she had cheated on me around the time we were just starting out. I chose to overlook it, stupid me. And then she goes on this tirade about her ex, how she thought she was over this person, and how she felt she loved me so much, but if she reviewed how she had been treating me then she must not have loved me as much as she thought! Where did this girl learn logic?! Probably some Martian territory because it certainly wasn't on this planet! I forgave her, I was already hooked, even if my excitement about the relationship was diminishing. Maybe a week passes by and she cheats on me again! This girl told me she had never cheated on anyone before, no matter how great the temptation was, it goes against her moral code! Both times were blamed on intoxication, by the way. I am beside myself at this point, I don't know what to believe anymore. She says the love she has for me is indescribable, and she realized the thing with her ex was just lust, infatuation, and any other word I could adlib in place of love, but if she cheated on me twice, and verbally and emotionally abuses me—in ways that are borderline sadistic, and can change her mind about her love for me and whatever she's feeling for her ex in an instant, if she can easily swap us and our places, if she wouldn't even waste a teary eye on me if I ever broke it off with her, if she can switch any emotion she has for me off to inflict even more pain any time she feels like it, and I'm the alleged love of her life, what am I supposed to think, right? I mean, "the love of your life", that title speaks for itself! So recently her ex and her ex's current squeeze invited her to join them in a threesome. If my nerves weren't already frazzled enough this had to happen! All the while I have been trying to be supportive and empathetic and just giving and giving and giving all of myself to her when she's been abusive and unfaithful and selfish and perfectly content taking and taking and taking, I still tried to stay composed even though I had this feeling of dread. She said the idea disgusted her. Nothing came out of the invitation. I think mostly because she's been ignoring it, ignoring them, pretending it never happened. She's been telling me that she's been having dreams about her ex, almost nightly, all types of dreams, erotic dreams. And she admitted that she still thinks about her ex and sometimes thinks about her ex in sexual circumstances, during sexual circumstances—I had to practically pry this out of her, she says she tries really hard not to. It's been, I don't know, a year, more than a year since she was with this person, and the way she talks about loving me, and the existence of our relationship, you'd figure not thinking about an ex she never even loved in the first place would be effortless, right? I mean especially if you've found "the love of your life". So as I'm telling her my concerns she says she doesn't want to hear it, she says all my talk is maybe convincing her that she doesn't really like me as much as she thinks and that maybe she likes her ex! I don't even know what to think anymore. Can someone just please give me some insight? What the heck is going on? My brain just can't mull this one over anymore. The worst thing is I am so attached, I can't let go. The "what if"s kill me, the possibilities, the things that could happen if I just brave through this. This girl could flatten my foot with a steamroller and expect me to carry out her latest ultimatum and she'd get away with it. And she knows it. What is she doing with me? Is this all a giant head game? Do I mean anything to her? Why can't she get over her ex? Am I delusional? I am just so frustrated! I need advice, opinions, any feedback at all. Lots of it, please.