Dontlookback

Thanks for the replies everyone... ArchToronto: At times I wonder if she will realize anything. I wonder if perhaps I hurt her so bad in the first half of the relationship, that her love for me was fundamentally destroyed. That in the last few months of the relationship before she ended it, the rot just soured her to the point of never wanting to go back...? I can tell you she changed. I could tell by the way she acted, talked, and even the last few times we had sex. She had changed in ways. Mike: Thanks Mike, but I am not sure if I believe in 'it was meant to be'. I am not saying I don't, just unsure. lilac: Thanks for reading the novel! Yes, I too think she was attracted to the power...there is/was ALOT of pressure from her parents to be the leader and head of the household. Her father has huge expectations of her, and expects her to be the leader of a major company. Which is very unrealistic at this age. I don't know if she wants to come back at all. At this stage in the game I have another (my last) killer year at university and will have not much time for anything else let alone a relationship of such intensity. She knows this, and I know. She would never want to come back to where I live (she hates it as I said) plus I have no money right now, and last year it was hard on our relationship because school absorbed so much time and put stress on me like crazy. I know, and I would not want, her to go through such a hard year again with me. That would be very selfish of me. In our last talk (via text messages) she talked about how she 'believes we will get there' in reference to us being together again in the future after I am done school and started in a career, where we can live together away from this place and without the 24/7 stress of juggling school and work, and dealing with the people in the household. I do not know if she was just letting me down easy, or what, but I told her to not instill false hopes. But people change, and in a years time, she could meet and fall in love with someone else. Although I can get involved with other women, I have no real desire. Sometimes I feel like I should so I can move on, but other times I think I should wait for her. But that seems ridiculous to me at times, especially if she meets and is with someone else, I will not wait in vain while life passes me by. I would really like to talk to her, it is so weird to just abruptly end such an intense relationship down to nothing, but I feel if she wanted to talk to me, she would contact me.

Itsallgrand; Yes, I started writing and could not stop. Absolutely I have learned from this. I have learned so much. Many people warned me that our relationship was unhealthy....that we spent wayyy too much time together, and did not pursue outside interests... It has been months since we talked, and the pain has greatly subsided. I am far away from the first few nightmarish days and weeks, and my perspective is much clearer. I do not completely fault either of us for the relationships failure. I understand what people were saying now. But it is somting you have to experiance, otherwise you just don't believe it. The saddest aspect to me is that the girl I orginally hurt, I feel, deserves the man I have become now. But since I hurt her she changed, she became someone different. That is the irony. And she hurt me back. One of the aspects or learning experiances of this that has hurt me the most, is that no matter how much you think you know someone, think again. People change. There are no guarntees. I can only hope that as I age and as potential mates age as well we are more experianced to steady the relationship ride. I don't know. I miss her, and want to take care of her. But I will not call her. There is nothing we could do right now in terms of a relationship....I think you are right...we both have need space and to define ourselves as individuals...Thanks for your reply.

Aragorn, Thanks man. A little bit more in the post tho, but nice to har from everyone. Raingate: Yea I didn't/don't like her boss either. He didn't get to where he was by luck, he is a shrewd indivdual. There are many instances where he was clearly messing with her head, making her think unrealistic things, and getting her to prove her loyalty to him. Even if he does not engage in sex with her, he definitly gets high off of controlling a pretty young girl. I have no idea where she is or whats going on in her life, as I said it has been months since we broke off. She has not contacted me and I will not contact her. Yes, perhaps someday she will come to the realization, but it may be too far on down the road..it did not take me long to realize and learn from my mistakes. And yes, I also thought she was doing what I did to her I would like to stay in contact with her parents, and I was helping their son find a job, but my ex didn't like me still in the picture like that, Ithink she felt I was being insincere and trying to just get to her through them...that was never said but she seemed hostile somewhat and said it was weird when I went over one time after her parents invited me over for dinner. So I stopped. It is sad that the lessons in life come at the expense of the things that mean the most...

Let me introduce my self, I am a 23 year old Canadian male. I do not recall how I came accross this site, but I am the type who would not want anyone (friends, etc) to know I frequent such a place--perhaps because I like to think I am strong and indifferent to my situation--but truthfully I am glad I have a place to talk and share my story, as I hurt very deeply. I firstly want to thank everyone who takes the time to read the woes and heartache of an anonymous user, and offer their words of wisdom and advice. So here it is: I met her almost two years ago, incidentally through a friend, and was immediately intrigued by her personality, and her mine. She thought I was cocky yet intelligent, and I found her bold and amazingly forthright with a very dry sense of humor that I found appealing. Oddly enough, although we were both considered very attractive people, that was not what really brought us together. We just started hanging out with each other, and before I knew I it, she was spending every night at my house, and in the span of a month or more, she had unofficially moved in with me (I live in the basement apartment of my fathers house while I am in school). This was in a way difficult for both of us...I am an only child and was not accustom to having someone around 24/7, and she was not used to spending more than a night away from her parents. On this note, let me add a few details: My ex was of South East Asian descent (Cambodian to be exact), and had one brother. Her brother was born retarded, and in terms of providing for the family he was incapable. I say this because he is almost 30, and for East Asian cultures, family is paramount, and when the parents get too old to work, the offspring typically take over and provide for them (her culture is very very family centric in comparison to western family values) in any event, since her parents who emigrated from Cambodia have no retirement savings and approaching 60, the responsibility to take care of them and her retarded brother rest solely on her shoulders. Not only that, but she is the only one fluent in english and who can read and write and thus takes care of all the family's paperwork. Her parents put her through university and spoiled her with anything she wanted (car, clothes, etc), the understanding being she would take care of them and her brother when they aged. That being said... You can imagine the difficulty she had being away from her parents (I was 21 at the time, she was 22), and I remember her crying some nights dealing with the anxiety of being away from her parents. This was her choice however, and although she never said it, I think she wanted to escape them for a time, it was so demanding (and still is as far as I know) for her to take care of all their problems. So we moved in extremely quickly, not pre-planned, she just never wanted to be without me, and I never wanted her gone. So we started spending 24/7 together...I stopped spending time with my Dad and friends, and she stopped spending time with parents and friends, to the point where she would see them once every few weeks--a drastic change from before. We met in early summer, and when the fall university term rolled around we were even more inseparable...she went to a university for art history, and I went to a different one for business finance. Although we had schedules that had us going to school on the same days, we often skipped classes, in fact, I skipped so much I failed two classes, just to spend more time together. At this time I was also a bartender, and I could not stand her working some days, while I worked nights, and she felt the same, so I got her started as a waitress...she did it for me so we could have the perfect schedule, but it turned out she was a terrible waitress, but she stuck with it. So months pass, and we go to clubs, go to dinner, spend every minute of our lives together, and she eventually says she loves me. I remember pretending not to hear it and I did not tell her how I felt till at least a month later...and it felt so good to let it out...I had never said it to another woman (save my mother) so it meant alot. Also to note, this was my first serious relationship. Although I have had sex before, this was new to me. On her part, she had had an 8 month relationship with a guy, but broke it off after she felt she had to make commitments to school and her family. Speaking of which, after a few months she finally introduced me to her family. We were both very nervous as she had never introduced a boyfriend to her parents before, and even though she was 22, her dad was EXTREAMLY protective of her. Well, the women loved me right away, and thought I was very handsome, but her dad would not speak or even look at me. (If I hadn't already said it, I am white, and she Cambodian) As time went on however he began to warm up to me, and my passionate interest in his culture and language as well as the way his daughter loved me won him over, and we actually became very fond of each other. To this day I miss him and think he is a great man. Anyway, continuing along the story the next 9 months we are everything together, it is literally her and I against the world. We have our drunken fights, her leaving in the middle of the night, me calling, her coming back, me telling her to leave, etc, typical young adult relationship stuff, but through it all we do not spend a SINGLE night apart. Not one in 9 months. At this stage, school is wrapping up and another summer is approaching. Before this though, we both quit are jobs and are broke as a joke. It was kinda fun in a way because we really had to rely on each other and be a team, and it meant we were together even more. She tells me things like how she wants to marry me, how she would die for me (I never said it back, because I only say what I mean and at that point I was unsure what that meant) There is one important component of this story however, and that is the fact that she was terrified of my Dad, and had a bitter feud with his live in girlfriend (who I did, and still do not like). Most of this arose from cultural value issues (to explain this it would take another thread) and the fact that my dad's girlfriend, did not like (in my eyes) a younger, slimmer more attractive woman in the house using her kitchen. Ultimately, it boiled down to my ex being very unhappy living where we were living. Around this 9 month mark, on the cusp of summer, I get a job at a new restaurant. Now I am accustom to working with attractive waitress and bar girls, but this one girl and I really start to get along. She was a very attractive blond who wanted to be a lawyer and seemed intensely ambitious, something I am/was and wanted my ex to be (remember she was an art history student who had no idea what she wanted to due). I also hit the point in the relationship with my now ex, where (although we were together for only 9 months, the intensity of our spending time together felt more like 5 years) I was wondering where it goes from here. To me, the only logical conclusion for further depth of the relationship was marriage. I was not ready or wanting that then (my ex never pressured me) but I felt it. There were two other reasons that had me confused. The first, and although some may find it wrong, was based on a concern for having mixed children. At the time I did not want to have a half/white boy girl, and I thought of the difficulty in bringing one up and the isolation they would feel and cultural identity crisis (yes, a 22 year old male was thinking of these issues, very deeply in fact.) So one night, I go to my friends house after work, and we plan on going to the bar (now for me to go without my gf at the time--well, it never happened. I knew the girl from work was going to be at the bar, and my gf at the time was out with her friends (which I was mildly offend at (stupidly) because she was usually always waiting at home for me if I was working and she wasn't (I did the same)). So my buddies and I go to the bar, I get hammered--we all do--and the girl from work is there. We start talking and spend the whole night talking together...she tells me she is with a guy but wants out, I tell her I am unsure about my relationship...in any event it becomes clear we both have very strong feelings for each other. So at the end of the night, I go back to my buddies house, and check my phone and see my gf had been calling,she was worried and waiting up for me (this kills me going back here in my head...I hate thinking about it) but I do not call her back. Instead I remember staying up all night thinking, and then towards the early hours of dawn, I call her and tell her its over. In my mind, I feel how can I be committed to this girl if I have feelings for another...? I took it hard...even though I initiated it, I could not eat or sleep and I was suffering from anxiety and a moral identity crisis. It is at this point I would like to add a background to my behavior: My dad divorced my mom when I was two, after he cheated on her numerous times. My mother knew, but still wanted to make it work, but my dad (he was 23 at the time) was a good looking young buck who felt forced into a marriage by very christian parents. I lived with my mom as an only child until I was 16 ( I then moved in with my dad who had matured alot). My mom raised me to be very aware and empathetic to women's feelings, and I always hurt for her, and how she was abandoned. I always said as a child I would be a man of honor and integrity and never be as reckless as my father. Continuing the story, she took it in shock, wanted to know why, and I told her I felt I was 'in too deep' (which was the number one reason...I wondered what it would be like to be in other relationships...same thing that happened to my father, only I pulled out before I got married and cheated...that is at least what I thought I was doing) the other reason, and the catalyst for my feelings was of course this other girl, but I denied this aspect. So my gf at the time packed her stuff up and went back home...she would call me hourly for the next few days wondering where I was what I was doing. In fact, one time--and she never knew this--I caught her driving by my work (a 15 min drive from her parents house) scoping things out...I was shocked but not appalled...if anything it made me feel worse, as I realized how much I was hurting her... This other girl found out I had broken off my relationship with the Cambodian, and things started to heat up (she had a bf at the time) but I wanted a buffer zone before jumping into another relationship, as I was still messed up over breaking the heart of my first love and best friend. This all happens in the span of less than a week, and I cannot sleep being so unused to being at my place alone with out my ex. One night I go down to a club with my boys to forget about things, and I get right hammered trying to forget...but I get a call from my ex (actually she kept calling and I finally pick up) and she wants to meet me down at the club. So I finally agree (selfishly, just becase I miss her) and I pay for her to get in and buy her a drink (just to add, throughout our relationship we shared our money, we were a team like that). So I am hammered and the night wares on in a blur...I remember how glad I was to see my ex, and feeling so much love for her when I laid eyes on her again. But as we leave the club some stuff goes down...someone says somthing to my ex, and another girl and the next thing I know I and my 3 buddies are fighting 6 or 7 guys. As you can imagine, we get the bad end of the stick, and I get some serious gashes on my head. My ex Cambodian is terrified and worried about me, and I found it so endearing (while many guys I know would be annoyed). The next morning (after her spening the night at our place again) she has to go to the hospital for somthing and some blood work, and I didn't want her to go alone. So I go hungover as * * * *, with bandages and blood rags all over me and wait 12 hours for her to finally get in, and then I take care of her when she gets out (she was weakend by what she went through, and medication). We basically get back together and things go on as they had in the past for about another month. Then I get that itch again, and the girl from work tells me she broke it off with her other boyfriend. I start getting bored with my Cambodian girl, and despite her love and our history I want to know what else is out their. But this time I do not break up with her. Instead I make her leave (incredibly selfish and weak from my end, I shake my head at myself as I type this) hoping I won't feel as guilty about breaking up with my best friend. So I give her the cold shoulder, don't hug her at night, don't tell her I love her back, ignore her, leave her alone, etc...real low stuff. At the time I thought though that this would make her feel ok about things since she was the one to initiate the break-up, and I would feel less guilt. Well it didn't work so well...She KNEW what I was doing and I know she knew why...but Ifelt like the biggest scum of the earth hypocrite bastard, but thew wheels were in motion. She eventually threatened to leave, and I said ok, leave, helped her pack up her belongings from our place, we had a hug and stuff, I cried, she didn't (to her credit--strong girl) I said I love you, and I always will ( I meant it) but I needed to get out there, I am young, etc...The next week was a whirlwind...I went through an insane depression...I lost weight, couldn't function at work, had anxiety...Meanwhile my Cambodian kept calling me all the time, and I kept calling her talking to her voice mail telling her I miss her, I love her, I am sorry, she is special, it is not her, she is wonderful (all true...or was true...but that's later) not to let this hurt her self-esteem etc.. She had no one to talk to, and this killed me inside, so I had my mom talk to her to help her through, and she would call my mom, numerous times a day. I too would talk to my mom, who was unhappy with what I had done. In the meantime, I had the blond come over to my place non-stop, I just could not be alone, and this blond wanted to be with me all the time as well. It was surreal, it was like in the span of a day I had switched, and the night before I had my Cambodian woman over, and than the next day it was this blond girl who was spending every minute with me (selfish I know, but to those who are hating me right now, don't worry, I get it back). During this time , I would literally have the blond in the room sitting on the couch beside me while I spent hours talking to my Cambodian ex...the blond just waiting for me to finish..this went on for days, it was all a blur..the blond spending all day and night with me, while I talked with my ex on the phone...My ex of course did not know I had someone over, but I think to this day she may have driven by and found out. One thing I would like to make clear for those who are wondering, I NEVER had any form of sex with the blond woman...it was all emotional...she kissed one night and I kissed her back, but I was not even thinking, nor do to my mental and physical exhaustion, even capable of more intimate relations. Than one night the blond and I decide to go to a local bar for some drinks. We get there and stand in line when what would expect to happen happned, and my Cambodian ex walks out the bar. At this point I could not believe my eyes, and I turned my head and tried to cover my face so she would not see me. I remember thinking, ok she didn't see me,and she walks by. But then out of nowhere I the world blurs and I realize I was just punched in the back of my head. I turn and get another punch in the face. I see my ex standing there, with so much emotion in her eyes. She walks away and I stand there stunned. The blond starts rubbing my back saying how crazy that girl was, and the other girls in line start saying the same thing, 'what a psycho * * * * *' and the like. This just angers me, and I tell them all, the crowd and the blond, that I deseved it. I began to feel defesnive of my ex and was mad these people dared to judge her. They did not know how close we were and the things we did and shared . They did not know how much she loved me, and how much I had loved her. I should be criticized and judged I felt, not her. The guys in line all thought it was funny, like I was a player who just got busted. But I wasn't a player, and the girl that was punching me meant more to me than all of them and the blond combined a thousand times over, but here I found myself in this prediciment. In a matter of minutes my ex came back up to me and demanded I meet her in the parking lot...I obliged, and left the blond in line. When we got to the parking lot she was screaming at me 'how could I do this', and she attacked me violently, with fists, and kicks. Althoguh she was a slim and petite girl, she knew how to throw a punch and the rings on her fingers left some nice cuts. I had never seen this side of her, this violence, and she had never thought she would see me with another, we were both shocked. I did not for a second fight back, I do not even remember trying to stop her punches, I just took them, feeling it was deserved. She ripped my shirt off, and through it in a near by river (she had bought me the shirt) and she took my favourite watch that I had or years (she asked for it and I just gave to her) and through it in the river as well. Fine I thought, fair enough I deserve it. The blond comes out and wants to know what I am going to do, and my ex takes my keys to my house and practically kidnapps me. I tell the blond to go home. I did not want my ex to go to my house in this state, I thought she would try to destoy everything. So she lures me into her car 'to talk' and than she peels out of the bar parking lot...I try to open the door but she just speeds up...I was starting to get scarred, and as irriational as it may seem, I was really worried at the time she was going to get a speeding ticket. She races all the way to my place and she demands we delete al lthe picture off the computer we have of each other. I tell her no, thats crazy, but she wants to. I can't tell you all how high we were on adreline and emotions at this point, I was just so dizzy and light headed from all of this and she was the same. I convince her to let me copy them all to cd at first, and she agrees. During this time she gets into my bed (was our bed) and it feels like old times, I am on the computer, and she is in bed, watching T.V. It was so weird, but it gave us both comfort. I finally asked her to leave repeatedly, and tell her that I cannot handle her being here (it was like 4 in the morning) and the emotional distress was putting me over the edge. She refuses to budge and I remember giving in. It was so bitter sweet. We spent the night in each others arms. I NEEDED her...and she NEEDED me. After what we had both done we needed each other...we were each others best friend. I remember I just could not let go of her little body, and she asked me to keep her warm like she always would in the relationship, I would hold her tight. We agreed in the morning it would be the last we ever saw of each other, that we could not keep doing this it hurt to much. After a few hours of sleep she left for work, and we had a very tearful goodbye...I just remember the birds chirping outside and the sunshinning but everything seemed so weird and in a haze... Although I knew I loved her, I had to go through with this with the other girl, I could not let it go this time only to feel the itch again, perhaps later in life when the Cambodian and I had gotten married. I did not want to be my father. So the next day after that night, I went to the beach with the blond(somthing I never did with my ex and somthing she had always wanted to do). You may be wondering why I did not give myself space to heal, but at the time I felt I had to plough forward and 'see' what is was like to be with someone else so I kept on making activites to do, like fast forwarding a relationship. My ex kept calling in the morining again from work even though we had agreed to not talk or ever see each other again, and I could not stand to se her name come up on the call display and not pick up. SO I did, and I stupidly and honostly told her I was going to the beach with the other girl. This devistated her...she seriously peaked, and I remember having to let her go since the blond was waiting for me and it was an hour or so drive to the beach. This is when things changed. On the way up with the blond all I could think about was how this ride (we were driving in a jeep with no top on in clear skys--it was the blonds jeep) would have cheered my ex up. When we got to the beach all I could think about was how my ex didn't know how to swim and how I would love to teach her. Essentially, I had an epiphany, and was like, what in the hell am I doing with this blond chick? I miss my cambodian girl, I love her, she loves me, just what in the hell am I doing? So we drove back from the beach and I told the blond, look, I can't do this, I am sorry, it's over. She was upset but I did not care, I was so excited to call my ex and tell her, its ok, its over, its out of me, the itch is gone, I see, it is all an illusion, the grass IS ALWAYS greener type of situation. It was honostly like the clouds had parted and I finally had clairty of vision. I was so happy all of a sudden. I called my ex's voicemail that night and left a message. The next day she was so happy, but a little unsure, and I told her it was ok, I am commited to her. That night she got all dressed up and I picked her up from her parents house. We went out for dinner and she moved right back in that very day. However, looking on my MSN messenger, she saw I still had the blond on my list. And for some idiotic reason I refused to delete the girl from my contacts. I can see now how tramutic this could be for my ex after everything we had been through. But it was not until after a fight and she started crying that I deleted the other girl. MY gf was, as one could imagine, very insecure about me still working at this job where the blond still worked. My GF wanted me to tell the blond that I loved her, that is all my gf had asked of me. She could accpet that I work there, but I had to tell the blond those words. Shamefully, I never did (until over a year later when it was too late). Partly because the blond and I changed schduals and I rarely saw her, and she left for a few months, and partly because I felt bad hurting this blond girl by telling her these things, and also because I (stupidly) felt ridciouls bringing it up, especially the longer time went on and the less I saw of her (I am talking once a month). My GF though would always ask me, 'was she (the blond) there?' and 'did I tell her?' I always gave her the honost answer and said no I didn't tell her (at least I did not lie to her) and my gf would get upset but not say anything, and it would be history until she eventually stoped asking. So time went on, and we were back to 24/7, two peas in a pod, doing everything together, EVERYTHING. I know the majority of this tale is filled with negatives, but there were much much more positives. We had many times of laughter and looking into each others eyes, and crazy adventures, and trials, and drunken nights just the two of us. We grew SO MUCH together, changed so much from when we first met. Things were great. One day she surpised me, and the favourate watch of mine that I thought she had thown in the river, she actually had given it to a reapir shop to fix (the clasp was broken, and it was broken before I thought she had thrown it in the river). I could not believe she had kept it and done that after her thinking we would never see each other again and after what I had done to her. IT was a major turning point for me. At that time I decided she is the most wonderful person in the world. I WOULD die for her. A woman of such loyalty and love deserves nothing less in return. I feel I became the most loyal and loving man that any spouse could desire. I started to research how to raise mixed children, started really getting into the idea of getting married and what it means to be commited for ever. It was great. I was very happy. During this time she went for surgery and got breast implants. Although she already modeled, this just opened up more doors for her and gave her more confidence. Being asian with naturally small breasts, it was somthing she always wanted. I supported her and took care of her every minute of her recovery, and we stayed at her parents house (which she enjoyed since she missed them. It was the first time ever we both spent more than a few days there together, and it was great. (Typically though as I said before we would only visit her parents once a week or every two weeks. We stayed in the basement apartment of my dad's house because there was more privacy and space, and because *I* wanted to . She is a year older than me so she finished school, got her degree and started working in an office as a receptionsit. I supported this since altough I still worked in the resataurant biz partime while attending university, she was a poor waitress and it stressed her out. The stability of an office 9-5 suited her much better. I just wanted her to be happy at this point. Months pass, we get into a routine, I am very busy doing an intense business program, her busy at work. We spend time together when we can, mostly cuddling, or visiting her parents, or dinner. But things are tight money wise, especially for me. I am focused in school and start working less...she becomes the one who pays for most of the things we get...toothpaste, food, printer paper, movie, etc...I also start slacking at the gym (I am a hardcore fitness person, but between school and my gf, somthing had to give) and start feeling kinda * * * *ty. Our lives start to get routine and boring, less spontauous. MEanwhile, just when I think I can't love her anymore, I do. I mean, I was just head over heels for this girl at this point. Just to give some perspective, this is about 1.5 years into the relationship of living together, with those two small 1 week spurts of difficulty we had long gone. To make things worse (in her eyes) I take my student loans and invest them in stocks (not blindly mind you, I am a finance specialist in my business program) this makes her extreamly weary. I tell her she will have to take a loan out to help me pay for my next years tuition (it costs me 10k a year for this business program) she resists to my surpirse, as prior to this we were a team always sharing. I was offened. But too my credit, in a matter of months I made $12000 in profit off my student loans (was invested in some junior gold stocks), but I reinvested them, and got locked in again. During this time she is really getting into her job, and my business influence is really rubbing off on her and she is really getting into it. A job opens up in her company for executive assistent to the C.E.O. She is at this point almost 24, and she is by no means even remotly qualified for the posistion. Not even close. Fortunatly for her, she is an EXTREAMLY attractive young woman, and her CEO likes her. He also like asian women and is on his second asian wife. Much to everyone's surprise (but mine) she wins the position and beats out much older more qualified individuals. She becomes his right hand, spending all day with him everyday. She drives his car, picks up the dry cleaning, everything. Whatever, I am thinking, in the back of my mind, but I do start to get a little jealous (very unlike me) when my gf starts talking about how he became a millionaire in his twenties and all the time they are spending together. At first I think this guy has nothing on me...he is a fifty somthing year old with a belly, and I am an ambitious young man, good looking, and in great shape. But I can see the influence this man is having on her. He plays mind games with her and minipulates her. Soon he has to fly to the states all the time (we are in ontario, canada) and he needs his assistent. So she starts flying to New York, Philly, etc...There she is taken out to dinner every night, company expense, stays in fancy hotels, meets millionaires and even billionaires, dines with politicians. Just big time stuff, stuff a few months ago she would never have dreamed of. And stuff she truly did not merit based on her education and ability (although she is a hard worker) but (in my opinion) her great looks and a powerful CEO with an Asian fetish. Truly, most executive CEOs who applied for her job where in their mid thirties with a business background, tons of experiance and the like. 6 months ago this girl was a witress...like come on. Anyway, when I would bring this stuff up with her she would not want to hear it, she felt I was not supporting her, that I was jealous of her success. She said she could be a CEO, because her boss had told her she had the ability. Anyway, during this time her mom gets really sick and has to stop working and her parents run into some sticky fianancial situations. They need her. But she is constantly working, or with me. I know there is a strain, but I tell her not to worry, I have one more year left, and I will be makin' some solid bucks, and everything will be alight. But she is undersandably worried. Her going away on these trips and her new weird behavior starts to put a strain on things. I don't feel the love from her the same way, and I start craving for it more. I (hate to say it, this is the complete opposite of me for most of the realtionship) became somewhat needy and demanding of her presense (I can admit it). I feel I am just pushing her away more, so I reach harder. Her leaving on trips was also the first ime in almost a year that we spent a night apart. It seemed now she was always talking about so and so from work, about this and that, and we never did anything, as a couple and as a team like we used to. Then one afternoon after she got back from her second trip and we decide to spend the afternoon walking about the city. But things feel weird. Really, really weird. I just get this vibe from her (after spening 24/7 with someone, you can pick stuff up easy). And somthing happnes to me, I just feel so abandoned, so hurt at this person and out of frustration I tell her it's over. It seemed she didn't even care and she was like ok, well, lets get back to the car now and drive home. I walk away, and say go ahead yourself, I'll find my own way back. So we part and I walk alone for awhile, and than I can't stand it anymore, and I catch up to her and tell her I love her, and that I felt like I was losing her. She doesn't say much and we get back in the car and then she tells me, she wants to break up for real. I almost expected it, but at the same time was shocked. This girl used to tell me she would die for me, she would never EVER leave me, that she would 'ride or die' with me to the end. I could not believe she would leave me, after how I commited myself to her. So I plead with her the whole way home, but she tells me she has been unhappy for the last few months, that I keep letting her down. I ask her why she did not bring this up before and she says she did, which is partly true. She did hate and I mean HATE living where we were living (my dads GF) but we stayed for economic reasons. She also really really missed her parents and they needed her. Being so suddenly rejected I of course disagree with everything and tell her hold on now, I will fix what ever is broken (typical rejectee jargon). When we get home she packs everything up, and I help her with the furniture. I call my mom meanwhile since she helped us through our last issue, and her, my gf and I talk. My gf agrees to give it another try, but insists on moving out, and I should go too. Whatever, I would agree to cutting off my arm at this point. So I pack a few things and plan on getting the rest later since it is a lot of work and we have yet to make arrangements (I also get the feeling she is just wants to leave and is unsure she wants me to actually move to her parents) S owe go on a date that that night, its our first time out for dinner in months, and we really get to unwind. We also have a few drinks at the bar. She is happy as heck and all over me, telling me she is sorry and she could never leave me. We just keep telling each other how much we mean and love each other all night. That night we end up sleeping back at my place. A few days pass and things seem somewhat back to normal, and then she has to go back to work. Thats when things get weird again. At first she would call me multiple times each day she was gone on a trip, and I anxiously awaited her phone call. But than on her third trip she didn't call me. At all. In fact, she came home a day after she was supposed to. And she didn't TELL ANYONE. Needless to say I was freaked the * * * * out, and drove around all that night trying to figure out what the hell. I drove 35 minutes to her work to see if her car was there, drove to her parents house, and I did this for hours like a lunitic into the morning hours. This was super super strange and unusal of her. I thought absurd things like her boss kidnapped her, and I wanted to find her and rescue her, I thought perhaps her plane crashed. I did not know. All that night and the next day I was a mess, just a complete mess, I could not do anything including eat I was so worried and pissed at this weird behavior, and somewhat insecure snce we had broken up and gotten back together just days before. So again night is coming and I have no idea when she will be arriving or even if she will be coming home today. So once again as a panicked lover I drive all around in search of my baby, until around 1 AM she pulls into the driveway of her parents house just as I am calling her dad to wake him up since I was worried as hell about his daughter, and he was wondering where she was as well. I was also in her driveway. She gets out and is kind of pissed I am at her parents house and I am taken aback. I was just overwhelmed with emotion to see her alive and safe. She is pissed I am calling her parents this late at night as well. Also weird and what pissed me off, is she was wearing her boss's wife's clothes. Yea that’s right. Not street clothes, but work clothes. Big stupid looking eighties outfit with shoulder pads I was like * * *? She had just spent almost $400 on properly fitting contemporary business atire, and now she is wearing oversized eighties clothing that belongs to her boss's wife. Like what the hell is going on I am wondering (and still do damit). Like is this guy messing with her or what? I to this day wnder what the hell that is all about. Like was he completely manipulating her for some weird fantasy, and was she enjoying pretending to be a powerful wife to a millionaire? So she could save her family from fiancial ruin and retarded brother? ?? Did this pressure of her family make her crack? Was she enjoying the luxury hotels, millionaires, power, and fine dining? Was she sick of coming from that to some basement with some 23 yearold who had no money (yet), and no power (yet) and had hurt her in the past? In any event, we spent the night together, and she gave me the serious cold shoulder in the morning, and later, online, she told me it was over, she needed space...Ok I said. I love you, have space. This is all happening in the middle of my finals at school, and I was just f**ked right up, I cannot believe I even made it through, yet I did. SO I give her her space. Then one night she calls me, fishing I guess you could say, and we start talking and I ask her if she want to see a movie sometime and just chill. She agrees. SO later on the next week (after missing her badly and time dragging on) I call her up, but she says she is sick (and she is) with food poisoning. Ok, I say, no worries. SO the next day same thing, but she lets me meet up with her and I take care of her. I buy her re-hydration drinks, all sorts of stuff, and we just spend time together. We eventually kind of get back together for a week, where we spend everynight together (at her house she would not even drive near mine) and we visit her family up north, I take her out for her 24th birthday (no one else seems to care among her friends) she talks about having a baby, and it slips and she says something about us getting married. During this whole time I try to play it cool, but she is tormenting me. Than all of a sudden, one morning, after we had a great night together I feel something in the air. I preemptively ask, what is it now? And she says we are falling into our old routine, and she does not like people telling her what to do (I have no clue what the hell she meant by that...I was catering to her the whole week, so it seems like BS) and she does not know what she wants. So I get pissed for the first time in a while, and tell her shes bi-polar, and I leave. I leave a harsh message criticizing her hypocrisy about everything and how she wanted to be treated and about commitment in relationships. I gut my place of all things her and tear up some pictures. I give her the 'memory box' that she compiled of things (movie tickets, dinner receipts, cards, dried flowers, etc) from our relationship. And I basically tell her to f**k off. Then that night, she texts me that she cant let me go, she loves me unconditionally, and that she knows I do to. She says she can't wait through another school year, living in that house, with the money problems, and her sick mom (I can totally empathize with her here) and that she wants me to hurry finish school and start my career. She asks me why I never got engaged etc...which was BS on her part... she knew I was going to ask her but I had to finish school...I think it was just pure BS. She texts me she love me forever. I tell her the same. Then she goes to bed. The next day I text her, this long message about how she has to stop this yo-yo, and make up her mind. That we will get engaged right way but she has to be 100% committed. If not don't ever contact. Well, to no ones surprise but my own I don’t here back from her. I leave some pleading messages for her on her voicemail. Nothing. Days go by, NC. Than I snap, and I just blast her on voicemail for how she treated and handled things after what we learned and went through in the first half of the relationship, and I told her I would never contact her again. That was it. From spending 24/7 together for the better part of two years, to NC. It has been over two months and nothing, I will not call her. After this time I have done alot of introspection. At times I feel guilty, other times, 'well, that’s just life,' other times anger. She was my best friend, lover, confident etc...and I know she really has no one else...she has communication problems with her parents (due to language differences) and she does not relate to her friends. One thing I want to say...some woman think that once a guy cheats, or almost cheats, they are always like that...essentially that people don't change on a fundamental basis. Well that's BS. People do change on a fundamental basis. Anyway, this has been a novel, but I wanted to let it out and share it and hear people's opinions and experience. Any thoughts or comments are very very welcome.