I dated "A", my best friend, casually for 9 months during this time he made it very clear that we had an open relationship. As we dated longer I realized I wanted more and had fallen in love with "A" and told "A" so. He refused to commit, so I ended up ending our relationship in January. "A" and I remained friends.
Over the course of "A" and I dating I became good friends with one of his roommates, "W". A little over a month after calling things off with "A", "W" confessed that he'd always liked me, but hadn't hit on me due to my dating his roommate. "W" and I both decided before proceeding to date we would sit down and talk to "A" out of respect and friendship. "A" said it was fine if we dated.
About a month into "W" and I dating I was over and "W" was in the other room and "A" came up and said some very graphic, sexual things to me. I told him "I can tell you no and I will" "A" then sat down and passed out and I wrote it off as him being drunk. "A" and I continued to hang out as friends with no issues. About 3 weeks later "A" called me asking for a place to crash, because of fighting with another roommate. Once he got back to my house he started rubbing on my upper leg and I said "no, I'm not messing with two boys in the same house" "A" asked if I was serious about "W", I said I was and "A" stopped trying to touch me and went back to watching tv. Both of these events happened in February.
In April "W" was on vacation with friends and "A" got ahold of me very upset about the girl he was seeing cheating on him and the subsequent breakup. I agreed to go to happy hour with "A" as friends. I thought I was being smart, meeting with him early in the evening and in a public place. We met up at "A"'s house and he was very gentlemanly and friendly. A 3rd male I had met before, "A"'s and "W"'s friend came out too. On the way to the bar this 3rd person offered me and "A" a valium, we both accepted. Once at the bar "A" started talking about he and I and our prior dating history, apologizing and saying he missed me etc. He asked me to be his commited girlfriend. I said no and steered the conversation back to his current problems. I had 4 seven seven's at the bar. I remember checking my watch at 8:30 p.m. The next thing I remember is waking up confused as to where I was or how I got there. This is the first time I ever have woken up confused as to how I got somewhere and my first time blacking out. I then realized it was "A"'s room and I was bottomless, but still wearing my top, bra, and jacket. It was 4:30 a.m. I gathered my things and left. I called "A" the next day and asked to come over to piece together the night, I was in denial that he would ever do something that wasnt consensual, he was after all, my best friend. I talked to "A" and he said we got a cab to his house and I was puking before I got in the cab. I have no recollection of the cab, climbing the steps to "A"'s house, or the steps to his room. Nothing.
I started recognizing I was raped by "A" about 3 days after the event. I was so busy blaming myself for going out, for taking the valium, for drinking that I failed to admit to myself "A" could have raped me. A 3rd party told me that "A" said I passed out during the act. I think I passed out before the act and "A" was proving to himself he could still haev me that I "didnt end it". I guess in my mind it boils down to, "A" was supposed to be my firend and "W"'s friend, and I said no twice before and I had to be obviously intoxicated, "A" even admits I was vomitting.
The rape has caused many issues, regarding trust, love, and sex for me. Also, because I know "W" through "A" it makes me question "W"'s moral caliber as well. It is July and "W" are still dating. I told him everything that happened as soon as he returned from his vacation. He said he believes me, but nothing more than that. He never even said an ill word to "A". At first I attributed it this to "W"'s possessions being in the house, but "W" moved in with me the 1st of July. Everytime I try to talk to "W" about what happened he says nothing at all, no sympathy, nothing about how he feels, he simply says nothing at all. "W" ignoring what happened by both not confronting "A" at all and by refusing to talk to me about it makes me feel like he doesnt care about me. If he wont stand up for me over this what will he stand up for? I dont know what to do and I think the only way I'll come to terms with the rape is to talk about it.
What should I do? In terms of healing and recovery, My and "W"'s relationship, and anything you can think of.
