Okay, I've never done anything like this to just place my life out there like this for strangers to view. However, I feel like I need some advice as to what I need to do because this emptiness inside me is killing me.
I met a very special girl whom I've known 3 & 1/2 years. Her mother was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. The cancer is terminal and she is to die within the year. I'm Seventeen years old i've had 3 girlfriends (not long distance) before this but all were just flings. However I have met her online and have exchanged hours apon hours of conversation on phone and text. Sending pictures and other crap back and forth to each other. Looking back at the things I told her. I've said some very deep & personal things that I've never told anybody. Things I have never told my best friend that I've known since the 1st grade -- she knew.
Overtime I've tried to make myself into something that I thought was me. In my imagination I was conflicting so many problems and living in a darkened abyss. She had never bought any of the bullcrap I tried to play off on her and this was coming from a girl that lives in California (i live in Arizona). I was secure inside her warm open arms -- she had understood me and helped me believe the true me was the best thing possible.
Nonetheless it seemed like a friendship at first. Cause c'mon, I know what you're thinking. A long distance relationship that won't ever work out. I believed that at first and worked with just being friends. Maybe that's all this was . . . a friendship. However that friendship isn't there anymore.
This summer (2006) we were suppose to finally meet. She is 18 years old and was going to UCLA until she had made the decision to stay at home with her family. Being completely selfless about her life and making sure everybody around her was to be happy. She wasn't going to return to UCLA but instead take care of her pregnated sister and her soon to be widowed father.
The second-to-previous family get together she had didn't go so well when her mother flipped out as soon as her sister told everyone that she was pregnant. Her mother pushed everyone away; her children, husband and parents. Basically anybody that was around at that moment in time. My lovers dad had not understood why she had done what she had done.
The dad and mom both had their youngest while she was only 15. They had relied on her mom's parents to help support them through their time. The dad's father wasn't a very great support of this so he beat and abused him mentally/physically. He had enough, than decided to move in with his pregnated future wifes' parents. The dad had stayed to take care of the youngest while the mom went to college to become what she is now, a Doctor.
Anyways, back to the situation. Her Dad wasn't totally down with how she took everything. He decided to get away until she realized what it is she had done. Her mother than kicked her sister out and everybody else, however, my lover had stayed behind because she knew her mother was going to be alone. Asking every chance she had if her mom was okay than getting rejected by a very vulgure mom. She took this and walked away knowing her mom was obviously bothered.
That was about two weeks ago or so that the family dinner conflict happened. Our plan was to meet the 1st days of july than progress from there. However, with everything going on at that point in time, she wanted things to cool down before coming to visit. Things start to settle down between her mom and herself. Her mother tells her to not worry about anything, that she is going to make everything all better.
At that same weekend my lover had been summoned for Jury duty. I wasn't wanting her to pospone it just to visit me and risk another time in the future. Instead we both decided to just go through with it and when it was over she'd come. Things were starting to look great as the anticipation built more and more. They had put her on phone standby and had finally received her summon on the 7th (a friday). That next day on the 8th (saturday) her mom was getting everyone together for a family dinner so she could tell everyone this devastating news.
Her mother had taken the youngest children out of the room so she could speak of this horrid news. That day, I had called and called, worried that maybe something bad had happened at the dinner. I even stayed up all night calling every 30 mins but all I got was voicemail after the ringing gave out. That next day, on sunday, she had changed her voicemail into saying that something in her life had drastically happened and she had different prioritys in life now and left at the end of her voicemail for me to check my e-mail (crying heavily).
I rushed to my e-mail account and what I saw was the most jaw dropping thing I've ever seen. She was losing her mother and I wasn't going to be there for her to even comfort her or be with her. She explained that she was going to stop going to UCLA to instead stay at home to take care of her family. Than she told me that she didn't want to be with me anymore because she didn't want me to be dragged on with her "waiting" she quoted.
So here I am feeling all sorts of different things about what has happened. A very small part of me feels that she is trying to avoid meeting me and just wants to move on with her life. However, a very very large portion of me feels like she's doing what her mother did by pushing everyone away. I've talked to her once since all that happened and it was yesterday night. I couldn't even comfort her all she said is that she didn't want to talk to me and she couldn't handle having a boyfriend + mother dieing.
I guess she figured mentally she wasn't strong enough for a relationship right now. She is in the process of losing a mom and here I am telling her that I was coming to see her on Wednesday. Selfish you think? I wasn't coming for me, I was coming because she had wanted us to meet for so long and had always been ecstatic when talking about it. When I tell her this news, she says that she doesn't want me to come and I feel like she's just pushing me away like her mother did her family. So i'm being stubborn and she is too. She's telling me that I need to meet other girls and move on with my life and to forget about her. I'm saying that I'm not interested in other girls. Why go for others when her and I both know there's so much potential/chemistry here?
Okay, what the hell. . . I'm not going to leave this girl behind, this girl who has been there for me so many times. This time, this one time, she needs me there and is pushing me so far away that she doesn't want to even talk to me. I'm just so confused right now. I don't know if she's trying to break up with me or trying to just allow herself to go through this alone.
I'm not going to allow her to push me away when I know she needs someone there for her, especially now. Her phone is shut off but i've been leaving messages every half hour reminding her that I'm here for her and will never leave her behind.
I just don't know anymore and am out of ideas to what I can do to fix her broken heart.
