Hello Steff
Before I ramble on and on, I just want to tell you NOT TO FEEL GUILTY. Whatever her problems, whether obvious or not, she killed herself through her own free will. But because of your relationship with her, and the fact that she's gone without answering the questions that are coming up, you assume that you have had a part in in. You have not.
I too felt that I had played a part in my father's suicide. He killed himself about 4 years ago, just a month after I'd got married (felt that the small debt he'd incurred contributed -- in reality it didn't). He actually was missing for six months (drowned himself and there was a tremendous amount of upheaval and money problems as we had to pay a mortgage for my mother when my father was actually dead. I am an only child, and had a very close, but very formal, relationship with my father, who had anger problems throughout his life.
The last conversation I'd had with my father was a bad one. I'd got pregnant and couldn't have the baby. So I told him I was going to have an abortion. He didn't go mental at me, but I could tell he was gutted.
So for several years I thought that all the pressure of me having made attempts on my life while at university, him feeling awful about me getting raped when I lived in Russia, the debt, then the abortion -- on top of all his other problems -- got too much for him. But really that's not how it happens. For one thing, he'd just started to take a large dose of Prozac -- maybe that triggered something. Who knows.
It will always remain a mystery to you why she did what she did. You may had both good and bad memories of her, but I think of it like an illness that killed my father earlier than most men die. I also think it is ultimately his right to do what he did (although it made me very angry).
It will get easier. You get stronger facing the weak people who view mental ilness is a stigma, you learn what's really really important and you discover who your friends are.
But it is tough, I can't lie. My thoughts are with you. Please email me if you want to talk.
Bobbie
