blues_belter

Curly- now that i have said that. It is a new day. What i am going to do is make steps to change things in my life that I have the power to do. For example, until the day i can make an independent living off of being a blues singer (it's a hard row to hoe, but it's my passion), i want to be satisfied with what i am doing during the day. I am in a miserable job that pays well. I stay with it because I'm good at it. But I'll tell you, it sucks the creative energy right out of me.

I'm going to take a risk and go for something that I have the talent for. My keyboard player told me there is an opening at the radio station he works at- to do voice-overs for advertising and jingles.

I like what you have to say- especially the ski analogy. I know i beat myself up really bad with this. I think my relapse was harder than the actual breakup. What is even harder than that is the cold hard truth that though i say i love him and miss him, my actions towards him the other day did not demonstrate real love. Perhaps, now i know that it was over, i wanted him to remember that i was good to him and there at a time when he needed me the most- the times when i should have just walked away. Now i just gave him a reason to say- See?

This is where i'm at. Putting my money where my mouth is. I liked your golden rule post today, in another thread, by the way.

Anyone else have anything to add. I could use some more input... relapsing is sometimes even worse than the initial breakup!

Thanks curlygirl and phillygal- I know he is wrong for me and when i asked to meet with him to straighten our professional life out- i kept it just that- professional. I had this in my head when we went alone to the gig this past Sat. I thought i could keep it like that- but so many unresolved issues and hurt just clouded my judgment when we were sitting there talking like old times. It had been so long since we even did that. It would be so much easier for me to leave this band but since we've worked so hard and are about to gain from our efforts, i feel like i'd be throwing away 5 years of everything i'd worked for. It also hurts that he won't come out and say- hey i'm sorry i hurt you- he just left and all he can really say is we didn't get along. Yeah, he's got issues and i made them mine...

I am seeing a counselor and it's helped i just thought i could be stronger than that. i wanted to prove it to him and everyone! Thank you for caring enough to write back.

Anyone please- i know it's long and not a success story. I want to know that you're out there...

Friends, ever notice that at the point you are really feeling strong- like you can maintain the status quo with your ex and work professionally with them without letting feelings get in the way- ever notice that at that point when you feel really strong- you give in to your own neediness???

If you have been there before, please help because i am there right now. I feel like i have blown 2 months of steady progress. While i now know that i cannot get my ex back or even get closure from him- that is not the most painful thing. The most painful thing is that i lost my self respect in a weak moment and did all the things i told myself and my friends i would never do. I tried to earn his trust back professionally and i let it get personal again.

Here's a little background for those of you who haven't read previous posts:

ex and i both musicians. We met 5 years ago, started a band and a steady platonic friendship developed. After 1 year 1/2 we admitted our feelings for each other and got involved-- probably much too quick because he had just ended 7 year relationship with his son's mother. Things were wonderful for about 8 months, then his temper started to scare me. No hitting but still very scary. Each time he apologized- each time i told myself to TRY HARDER! He ended up breaking up with me exactly one year after we got together. I never got closure with that one but we continued working together. Still had feelings, kept them to myself for sake of band. 3 months later, he confesses that he still loves me and could he hold me again? I thought that was a green light to start relationship again. We dated for 5 months but soon realized he was keeping his options open. he admits to kissing other girls and says we should stop seeing each other because he cannot treat me the way i want because he does not know what he wants. He said if he wanted relationship it would be with me. False hope. I decided to move on, but in the back of my mind i always hoped he woould come to his senses.

A month or so later, after he saw i had moved on- at least superficially, he started pursuing me again. I took it very slow with him because he was casually dating someone else. I figured that was fine with me if our dating was not physical. No problem there. we had the most wonderful time. 2 months later, he ended it with the other girl and confesses that i am the one he wants but something is still holding him back from commitment. I said take your time. Around that time, he needed a place to stay temporarily until his new roommates apt would be ready (about 3 weeks) I agreed he could stay. While he was living with me, new roommate fell through- he was stranded. Keep in mind that while he does make a little$ it is not enough to live on his own. I said he could consider living with me but if that is what he wanted- i would need to be exclusive and he would need to pay rent.

He thought about it for a couple days and said he would be able to do it. We were doing well, or so i thought. Soon after he moved in, he would erupt into rages when we argued and he was drinking. This started a cycle of abuse that turned physical. There was physical abuse about 8 times over the course of the next year. Each time, he apologized, begged my forgiveness, treated me like a queen for a few weeks, then it would start all over again. I started to fear him when he was drinking He was like jekyll and hyde. When there was no drinking we got along just fine and never argued. Things started to get more tense in April of 2005 when he lost a good paying gig and could no loger afford to pay rent. He also put off getting job- always promised he would but never did. I believed his promise and said that i would keep things going until he could bring $ in. I couldn't afford it but i did it anyway because i loved him and wanted it to work. I was blind to the fact that he only half- heartedly contributed. He wasnt paying rent anymore but he was at least cleaning, shopping groceries and cooking. But I was resentful because i had full time job, part time band and 3 year old son to support while he could sleep till noon if he wanted( my son split living with us and staying with my uncle while i was working weekends playing music. His father is not in the picture. Uncle supported my musical aspirations)

Anyway, we never fussed or argued around my son or his son when he visited. He was wonderful with my son and is his godfather. During summer of 2005 the cycle of abuse seemed to have ended. He seemed to be really working on his issues and treating me with a lot more respect. Until one night in a hotel room after a show. I got pissed that he was drunk and smarting off with me - it started all over again. Apologies, remorse, crappy behavior.

Alright- i know you all are saying- why the heck didn't you kick his *ss to the curb months ago!!!!! I know, i know- no need to say it. On my part i would have done anything to make it work with him because i loved him so much. You could just call me a crazy co-dependent because that's what i was. Looking back, i erased all of my boundaries and let him do it because i had lost my own self respect. He had what he wanted- i had to walk on eggshells. I just lost it all. Until one day finally i said the next time it happens i am out of here. Do what you need to stop this because i am tired of putting up with it. I said he could change his behavior but he had to do the work. He agreed. Things fine for 2 weeks then it happens again. I put my foot down and had him arrested. I didn't want to lose him- but i wanted him to get help and i was tired

When he got out of jail he came home. You could tell he was angry. He said he wanted to go away for a while-- a "break". Said our relationship could be really wonderful if it weren't for all the crap. But then he never really admitted to his own crap. Said he would be faithful to me- said we would work it out. The key to my chronic pain is that i believed everytime he would be differed. But a leopard NEVER changes his spots!!!

Well, lawyer advised no contact with me- he followed it to a T. He would not speak to me at all during court case. Our manager became a go-between for us . I hated it but i maintained my dignity and did not try to contact him. After case over this past December 15- things started to return to some sense of "normalcy" He continued to live elsewhere. I was stuck in an expensive lease on an apt i could not afford. I figured it was time to cut my losses and move on with my life. We still did not speak outside of work. But what brought us together was still good. We could work together onstage. People come to see us for the incredible chemistry we have as a group.

Finally, about a week ago i decided that i could be around him no problem. I approached him about working things out professionally and settling our personal issues. I gave the whole: what's done is done thing- let's move on. He agreed.

So i finally come to the point of my incredibly stupid mistake. We had a gig- just the 2 of us out of town at our favorite club to play. We always tend to stay after hours and be with our good friends- we are like family. ex really started to relax around me and we had a very good night like old times. I figured it would be no prob to get a room as i was too tired to drive home (he can't drive) We both seemed a little nervous. hotel only had king bed.

I got in bed and layed there for a long while. My stupid self longed to be in his arms. So i go over and he agreed. He did not mess with me but held me close. It felt wonderful. Then my stupid self couldn't be happy with that and tried something more. He said he didn't know if he could because he didn't want to risk things happening all over again. I said what do you mean? He said he is never coming back to me. He said it's over. That we could never "get along" He said he could pleasure me if i wanted- but not all the way. i felt so rejected and silly. I pushed and pushed and promised and all that. Then he said he was seeing someone and didn't want to mess it up with her!!! But of course, he said he would still pleasure me- like thats not cheating! Anyway- i gave it up and realized how ridiculous it was to pressure like that. No matter what a jerk he was, it only makes me look worse and is not truly loving.

Then the real issues came out. We argued- same old same old. It wasn't terrible but i felt mortified that all the proress i had made felt like it was erased in 10 minutes of weakness. I felt like i ruined my chance to everyone that i could handle it. He said let's just go to sleep. I could not stop being mortified. I panicked and told him i had to leave. He got pissed and said that i could not just walk out like that. He wouldn't know what's going on in my head- he would worry. I said i have just lost it and didnt know which way was up. He coaxed me back into bed and said i will hold you all night if you want me to, just relax. Then i just started to cry in his arms. I asked if he hit me because it was my fault. He softly said that no- and he wanted me to be at peace with that. he held me and let me cry. Of course after he fell asleep i was still awake and he was half awake and started messing with me. He immediately stopped when i took his hand away. He apologized. I started crying all over again.

The next day. i tried to talk to him-- but all he wanted to do was go home. I felt so awful that i wanted to sort things out- said i wanted him to come home!! He refused and on the ride back i alternated between begging and crying. IT WAS SO PATHETIC. It only made him stronger, angrier and more adamant. He said he wasn't trying to be a jerk but that i come at him like a machine gun sometimes and he can;t handle it. I told him i know i know- i said i didn' t know if i could separate between work and personal stuff. He said he thinks that i could still do it. He said he cares for me and wants me to be ok but that i would have to work it out on my own. Said he doesn;t want to be harsh but that he can;t handle my pushing. He wants to be able to work with me- be friends at some point. But that;s it

I never meant for any of this to happen. Temporary insanity. Look, folks, i know what i have done wrong- i never got closure and let it all come flying out all at once. i misread his signals. It was inappropriate and no wonder i freaked him out.

Please offer me advice. I don't want to not be able to work with him because of this. He told me i can still be there if i wanted it because we worked so hard on this band to get the success we have today. (CD out in a couple months.)

I just feel personally ashamed. Can anyone help put this in perspective- let me know that i am still a good person- and if he has a heart he won't see me as a complete idiot? I feel like i am back to square one. How can i resolve all this without falling back? So much despair! Is there a silver lining? Will it get better? Will he ever realize what he lost?

Thank you so much and you can all learn from me!

Thanks- I know all i have to do is ignore it and pretend like i don't care. The problem is, i wish i could leave if it gets too much- but i have to stay as i am getting paid to perform. I'm dreading the time for the new year's "kiss"!

IT's tough. Last New Year's when we performed, he grabbed me and kissed me on stage. Now, all that's happened and he may or may not be with someone new. I know he is not right for me, based on all that's happened. He would not be good for me unless he had some major counseling and fixed some things- his anger, his alcoholism. But I'm not counting on it.

I just think it is such a slap in the face for him to do this. He could have hired anybody!! Afterall i did for him- i paid for him, was always there for him-so so stupid!!

Sorry to vent, but it's just very hurtful!!

Thanks, you guys- I could use all the support in the world to rise above this. I want to be the bigger person, but the crap he pulls just amazes me!!

Yes- he was ordered into counseling for alcoholism and anger management. He plead guilty to a reduced charge of negligent assault. I know he's been sober about 2 weeks and I myself am ready to move on. Don't think there will be any closure anytime soon but i am just wanting to handle myself really well on new years. Even though he's done some really terrible things to me, it does take a while to get over the feelings that are left.

If i didn't have to work around him, would definitely be easier!!

Hello- I haven't posted in this forum before but I'm in a bit of a pickle and I could use some advice on how to handle things around my ex and his new "friend" this New Year's Eve.

Long story a little less long... My ex and I were together on and off for the last 3 1/2 years. We lived together for the last year up until the end of October. During the last 6 months I was basically paying all the rent and bills and it was a huge source of tension with us. He always put off getting a regular job- my guess is because he had it good with me supporting him, so why bother?

We also are both professional musicians who have a regionally popular musical group and we still perform together. We will be performing at a big club this New Year's Eve.

A month or so before we split, I noticed he was spending quite a bit of time with a female musician who comes to his jam sessions. Normally I wouldn't have had a problem with it because women are always around, but he started coming home a lot later. He used to be back around 2-2:30 am but for a month I would wake up to him walking in the door as late as 5! (and drunk as **** no less!). I told him that although i trusted him, it bothered me that he was spending time alone with her so late and around alcohol. He assured me over and over that there was nothing to worry about that she was just a musician "buddy" and all they talked about was music!

After we split ( well, it was actually called a "break"), we cut off all contact abruptly. I heard through many sources that he and his new friend had continued leaving the club together and he would buy her flowers and it seemed obvious that they were suddenly together. Still I have no concrete proof that he is really with her. All I know is that a couple weeks ago, he actually brought this woman backstage at one of our shows. I can accept her coming to the show, but i felt that his bringing her backstage was a violation of my space. Others noticed too and thought he was really out of line. Our manager even told him that he was not to do it again.

I am really not interested in finding out if they are really together but i am about to have to face both of them on New Year's. He actually hired her to open the show with her band - again, our manager found out and told him he needed to show a little more sensitivity!

My gut tells me he is doing this to get under my skin- parading her around me...

How do i handle this???

That is mean, inconsiderate and totally not necessary...Oooh, yes- I know exactly where you are coming from! Even though she's pushing your buttons, try not to let it look like it bothers you (in front of her). Meaning, if you see her- do not ignore her. Just smile or say hi - be nice as if there is no bad history there whatsoever. But that's it. If you are pissed or want to rant or cry - do it here or alone in your house. But in front of her be completely happy. I know you're hurt- but thhe best revenge is living well!

My ex and I are both musicians that still perform together in a regionally successful band. Been about 6 weeks of no contact. Just last Friday at a big show we were playing, he has the huevos to bring his new girlfriend backstage- basically MY SPACE. Now if she was just there to see the show, i'd have to learn to accept it but he brought her back just to get a reaction from me (he got none)! Of course it made me upset- but i went somewhere else to react. This girl, he had been secretly seeing a month before we broke up (he swore up and down it was not true- but now look!)

So, really, it is just immature behavior. If you were really adult and cared about the ex's feelings, you would keep your new relationships discreet and reveal very little. Hang in there.

Oh Lizzy, I know exactly what you are going through, because i am now out of a similar situation. I know what it feels like to be happy with someone, and then all of a sudden they turn into a completely different person even for a moment. It feels like the person yealling at you could not possibly be the person you were with just five minutes before. The way he treats you makes you feel like it is all your fault. I remember him being a jerk and then I would run AFTER HIM and apologize.

It may be tough to realize, but if your own self image was starting to suffer- getting out is the best thing. Did you call it to his attention that he was hurting you? How would he handle your fears? I'm sorry, I haven't read any of your other posts

As far as the feelings go, I too think about an ex even more when i am drinking- and it does not feel good. That's why i haven't been to bars much since the breakup a month ago.

I do know, however that he has been to the bars quite frequently- have heard reports that he has been almost falling down drunk. Knowing about how he is when he drinks, he is definitely either reminiscing or whining about me, one of the too- things he'd probably never do sober

I would agree with dirtbubble. Also, if you are already feeling down, drinking will not help you feel better. It also may depend on what you're drinking and what mood you're in. I tend to stay away from hard liquor, because if i'm already feeling feisty, i risk really being nasty. So, I've learned to stay away!. Beer doesn't adversely affect me much. But everyone is different and there are definitely people who are really impaired by just one. So the best case is to use your good judgment based on your experience.

If you can have just one or two drinks and stop yourself at that, then i wouldn't worry about it, but if you start dirnking and can't stop, that indicates there is a problem. Drinking as a way to numb pain or medicate yourself is never an effective thing. It can cause a dangerous dependency. Watch out for that.

I can understand your questions about my situation. No I don't have a restraining order against him. Thing about him was, though he was sometimes abusive when he was drunk, he never threatened to get back at me, and while we were together, he never isolated me from others and was never jealous or possessive like a lot of them are. He's just not the obsessive stalking type, so I'm not afraid of him.

What complicates things are the fact that we are both under a management and recording contract, so we are legally obligated to perform together. Now, if i was really afraid for my life, I know i could find a way to get out of it. And at first i really just wanted to get away. But I'm not going to shy away from a good career just because of him. There is no court protection order, but i know his lawyer advised him against personal contact and was even leary about professional contact, but she relented on that one. Our business manager, who personally cares about both of us (but of course, she's also concerned about our $$) insists that we also stay away on a personal level. It is very strange situation indeed. I suppose when the court case is over, we can figure out how we'll handle the long term. I'm not worried about his lawyer using this against me because i do have good solid evidence and the prosecution worked out a deal where he will attend 26 weeks of batterer group counseling. Perhaps he will get his record cleared because of this but counseling is sure better than jail IMO. And, there were several instances a long time ago where he mentioned the desire to do this- he just never did.

Though he probably does blame me on many levels, he is aware that it is HIS behavior that has caused this problem. Right before we "took a break" (after he got out of jail, but before he talked to a lawyer), he said that he felt our relationship could be a very good thing without all this other BS. He was the one who decided to move out for a while to get his head together. I agreed it was for the best. Who knows if counseling will help him. I know he knows it's wrong, but i guess he will only change when he stops blaming other people ENTIRELY. A lot of mutual friends i have talked to have said he is really motivated to turn his life around. Not sure exactly what that means, but oh well.

As for his no- show the other night at the radio show, i was taking it a bit personally but i guess it was probably he didn't feel comfortable about being alone with me because of everything thhat is going on.

It is indeed a precarious situation...

that last censored line was Why men love bi - tches (won't let me write it out!)

Does he have a job, or any other means to get the money back to you? How long has he owed you this $? Depends on the person I guess. Go get your phone back but i wouldn't hold my breath over the $ anytime soon. My ex still owes me 6 months in back rent. Good thing I have a job...

You can try everything to get tback the money maybe even take him to small claims court but he may never be honorable to repay you. But get your phone back at least, why does he have YOUR phone? Are you paying the bill on that too?

Yeah, this guy only cares for himself. Sure he probably has feeling for you but only in terms of what you can do for him. That hurts but don't keep hanging on to this guy and don't hope that your moving away will make him come back to you.

I want you to go out and buy the book "Why Men Love *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*es" It tells you how to go from being a doormat to a dreamgirl. I wish it was around for me before i started dating. Really an excellent book about not taking crap from ANY man. About really respecting yourself first and that, in turn, causes the men in your life to respect you. Real men love a woman with backbone. And don't worry if your ex is talking trash about you. He's not a real man anyway, and like i said, smart people see right through it. Go buy the book! And next time you get involved, make sure he can support himself financially and treat YOU for a change!!

Oh my gosh- after reading your thread, it sounds as if we could have had the same boyfriend! My ex never takes responsibility for anything either, alcoholic tendencies. Broke, leaching, no car, no license!! haha Sad part is, they try to make you look like the devil. I think most smart people see right through it. Mine is going through the court system because he started to become abusive to me. I had had it. Only thing is, he's still running around drunk and crying to anyone who will listen about how DIFFICULT I WAS!! Geez.

I really understand where you are coming from. It is so hard to move on especially when you still care (and people always ask- "how on earth could you still care about them now?")

Good luck in Cali. i am thinking about making a move to Texas myself. I just don't want to give up the good solid backing i have with my musical career here (which he is still a part of- same group). It's hard to start over but i bet it will be scary but also take 50 pounds of pressure off your shoulders as well!!

i know what it's like to try to create nice memories for someone else. Just 2 short months ago, i gave him a wonderful surprise birthday party- invited all of his and our mutual friends. Now, he won't even speak to me and i hear he has been seeing this girl who he swore up and down, he was not interested in. This girl doesn't have the history with him that i do. Not the bad and certainly not the good memories.

It is hard to understand how someone could just give it all up whether they are seeing someone new or not. I agree with kellbell. She won't forget, and someday will look back with fondness and maybe even regret because chances are, no one has or will treat her quite so specially ever again. Just a thought...

Thanks for your reply nataliejulie, I've read a few of your other posts too. I guess i got thrown off because, to me, a business call would be completely harmless. Of course i won't let him see my emotion, and i haven't since the breakup- i haven't called him or anything. I carry myself really well at gigs. I stand right nexxt to him when we play and if you didn't know us, you'd never know there was anything wrong.

My only worry was, did i actually mess up the no contact thing by just leaving a strictly business message? There has been absolutely no emotion on my part! I figured that was why he was staring at me with this wistful look at our last show.

Just want some reassurance if i did the right thing? Thanks for replying- it's nice to know we are not alone

Does anyone have any input- anyone?

Long story short- My boyfriend and i abruptly separated a month ago. At the same time, we are professional musicians who perform together in a regionally successful group. It is a little awkward to perform together but we are professional and have been through awkward moments before when we would break up in the past- we'd always work together. Now it's a little different. We have absolutely no contact with each other except to work.

The reason behind the break up is especially sticky. He is somthing of an alcoholic and has a tendency to be a real jerk when he drinks. Well, that night he really crossed the line and physically pushed me around - it had happened before but i was stupid and really thought it would change. At any rate, i decided to press charges. Not to get back at him or hurt him but the situation NEEDED TO STOP! So we go back to court 2nd week of december.

So for the past month, his lawyer has advised him not to have any contact with me- which makes sense. I have not contacted him. I do miss him terribly, but i don't miss his treatment of me. I know that he could change his behavior if he really wanted to but in reality know that is difficult at best. He has been ordered into anger management counseling.

Since we don't speak, it is a little awkward at gigs. Last weekend, though a good friend of mine noticed he was staring at me constantly. I asked if it was a homicidal sort of stare- she laughed and said no- that it looked more like he was sorry and wished he could talk to me. He even sang happy birthday to me. So that felt good, at least even though we weren't speaking- at least it seemed he wasn't angry at me and at some point we could at least be on a friendly basis.

Yesterday, though, we were invited to be interviewed together to promote an upcoming concert. I faced a dilemma as to whether or not i should let him know. I called and called our manager but no reply. So i figured that since it IS his group, i would call up where he was staying and leave a message with whoever answered. It was about noon when i called and the interview was not until 7pm. His mother's friend answered and all i did was ask to just leave a message for him. I didn't even ask for him. She agreed and asked if he needed to call back to confirm. I said no- just told her what time he should show up to radio studio. I said he would probably want to know about it- being just business and all.

Well, he never showed up at all- never called or anything. That really floored me. I don't know, perhaps he is still nervous- but this is business. I hope i did the right thing, but personnally i think it's a case of busted if i do busted if i don't. If i hadn't called- he might say that i was keeping business from him. What do ya'll think? What is his problem? I didn't call for personal reasons!!

I know i should not take it personally but i'm starting to get really irritated! He does not even show up to promote his own group which i can only imagine, is based on a petty personal reason.Any feedback would be welcome.

It is a little awkward to perform together but we are professional and have been through awkward moments before when we would break up in the past- we'd always work together. Now it's a little different. We have absolutely no contact with each other.

Yesterday, though, we were invited to be interviewed together to promote an upcoming concert. I faced a dilemma as to whether or not i should let him know. I called and called our manager but no reply. So i figured that since it IS his group, i would call up where he was staying and leave a message with whoever answered. His mother's friend answered and all i did was ask to just leave a message for him. She agreed and asked if he needed to call back. I said no- just told her what time he should show up to radio studio. I said he would probably want to know about it- being just business and all.

Well, he never showed up at all. That really floored me. I don't know, perhaps he is still nervous- i'll get him in trouble- but this is business. I know his lawyer tells him not to contact me. I hope i did the right thing, but personnally i think it's a case of busted if i do busted if i don't. What do ya'll think?

Thanks- that put it in perspective for me- i guess he was just trying to make me feel like it was my fault. I'm sure it is a wake up call for him. Not to be arrogant- but he really had a good thing with me and a nice place to live. I'm sure he realizes he messed up but its too late now.

You know what they say about guitar players? Guitar player-girlfriend= homeless. Just a little music humor. Thanks for listening

Hi Hope 75

I'll Try to make it short. We have been together on and off for 3 yrs- living together for one. The abuse started out slowly- and was never out of the blue- it always came on during an argument- usually he wanted me to shut up. We never argued unless he had been drinking- not to say it was because of the alcohol- but it was a factor. He was like Jekyll and Hyde like they say. It has been going on for about a year (maybe once a month)and of course he'd be sorry and promise to never do it again. Then of course, he'd rationalize and minimize behavior. More recently during a calm conversation, he even told me he was not a violent person!! This, while i still had a black eye! Right before i called the police this last time, he said"I never hit anyone before you!" I don't know, it's all very confusing. I want to believe i did the right thing. I do still love him, but i refuse to put up with his behavior anymore. He's got an alcohol and anger problem. Sometimes he recognizes it and expresses an interest in getting help- other times he completely denies it. He goes back and forth all the time.

The funny twist in all this is that we have a regionally successful musical group about to release our first CD. We still perform together but do not speak at this time. It's bizarre!