My wife and I approaching our 3rd year of marriage, and our 5th year together. When I first met her I didn't know if she was gay or straight, in our first few conversations she seemed interested but she would mention going on trips with a gay/lesbian group. Turns out she is Bi-sexual. I was fine with this. I was aware going into the relationship that this was her sexual preference, and I prepared for it as best as I could. I even encouraged her to explore her sexual feelings for women. I guess that was my downfall. Before we had gotten together she had never had a sexual experience with a woman. We decided that even though we were married we would have some rules on what we could or could not do with others. We agreed that we could have sexual relationships outside of the marriage as long as we had prior permission from each other. We had a few risqué parties, where almost everyone got naked, for the most parties these parties didn't lead to sex; usually there would be some nudity, and maybe some kissing or fondling, On one occasion when a couple I knew from out of state was in town for New years we invited them to our party and with both women being bi-sexual we did more. It started off with the women playing with each other and then moved on to the women playing with each others men and with each other then evolved to a full partner swap. I was OK with this. It was fully consensual, and we were both fully involved. This didn't seem to cause any problems in our relationship. This was almost 2 years ago. After this we agreed to continue looking for other couples or preferably single women to play with. We signed up for the adultfriendfinder web site, and looked around for others to play with. We didn't find anyone that was either interested in us or that we were interested in. That is until this summer. We met a couple that lived close to us and that we both liked. We hung out with them a couple times and seemed to really click. They had their own rules as well as most couples do. Their main rule was no male/female kissing. After we got comfortable with them and they with us they invited us over to play one night. All that happened that night was the girls played together while the guys took pictures. I thought she had enjoyed herself. We continued to talk to the other couple but never really got together with them again. At the end of July I became suspicious of her actions on the computer, One night the wireless connection for the laptop was working intermittent and was interrupting her conversations, so she went upstairs to our main computer to continue her chat. About an hour after she went upstairs I went up to ask her a question, as soon as I walked in she had minimized her chat windows and she was not being very talkative. She complained about something not working right on the computer and when I offered to fix it she became very defensive and told me never mind and I could fix it later. I didn't think much of that at first. But a couple days later while I was on the computer trying to solve the problem she had complained of I remembered the conversation from that night. I had previously installed monitor software on the computer since her sister and some others had been coming over and using my computer on a regular basis and I wanted to see what everyone was doing. I decided to pull up the monitor software and see what she had been doing that night. Turns out she was talking to some guy locally and was planning on meeting him the next day. She had told him that he could call while I was at work and that it was easy enough to delete the number off the caller ID, so I'm sure she had talked to him on the phone as well. She had also told him in her chat that while she couldn't sleep with him right now because it was "that time" she would be wearing a top that would provide him easy access. I'm glad I checked the monitor software when I did because I was able to confront her before she went and met this guy and did anything. Arround this time she had also recently resumed talking to a couple that she had known in high school. Great! I want her to have friends, I want her to have someone to talk to and hang out with. They also had a son about the same age as our 3 year old daughter, so she would take our daughter over to their house so the kids could play. I encouraged this whole heartedly. In early August we were planning to have them over for dinner, I had just been let go from my job and after what had happened with the guy on the chat I was a little suspicious of her actions. The day they were supposed to come over for dinner I decided to go into her hotmail account to see if there was anyone else she was talking to or trying to meet, in doing this I found an e-mail from the husband of the couple that was to be coming over that night, apparently my wife had written him an e-mail before she left for work telling him that she was happy he was coming over that night and couldn't wait to see him, and she had been thinking about their kiss the other day and couldn't stop thinking about him and wanted to get together with him. Apparently while her and our daughter were visiting one time the wife had run to the store and the kids were playing in another room and they kissed each other, when I asked who kissed who she couldn't tell me. At this point I told her she needed to tell me EVERYTHING that she had done that I didn't know about. If I am to forgive her I need to know everything. She told me that was it, I knew everything and nothing else would happen with anyone. She was upset when she found out about the monitor software so in good faith I removed it. However I did continue to read her hotmail account. A couple weeks later I went to a friends house for the evening and she had to work the next day so she stayed home and went to bed early, when I got home I wasn't ready for bed yet, so I went on the computer and found where she was keeping her old e-mail in her hotmail account. Upon reading a e-mail that had gone back and forth between her and the wife of the couple from high school back in July, I found out that she had not told me everything. She had meet with the husband from the couple from adultfriendfinder 3 times. The first time he met her for lunch and they made out in a parking lot, the second time he came over to our ho0use on a Saturday when I was trying to give her some free time on her day off and they had sex in our living room. The third time she met him at a dirtball hotel and they had sex again. Of course this upset me. I printed out the e-mail, walked up to our room and told her to wake up. When she woke up I asked her what had happened with the husband of the couple. The look on her face was all I needed to know. I put my wedding ring on the dresser and walked out to the garage to smoke a cigarette. She came down and admitted what she had done, she told me that she hadn't told me this before to protect me. She begged me not to leave her and not to kick her out. After a long talk I agreed to stay with her. Of course I had some burning questions which I asked, and she answered them honestly. The following Saturday, ONE WEEK after begging me not to leave she tells me she wants to end the relationship. Again I was upset. I told her to leave, she took our daughter and went to her parents house. The next day after I had calmed down and felt like a fool for trying to exploding the way I did and for almost taking a bottle of hydrocodone, I picked up our daughter and brought her home. I knew she had to be my focus and I had to take care of her as best as I could and with me being off work our bond was very strong at this point. After being at her parent's house for 2 weeks she called and said she wanted to come home. Before I agreed we sat down and had a long talk. She wanted to come home to be with her daughter and give me another chance. I told her that she could come home but there would be no more men, no more women, and that I didn't want to be going through this again in a month or 2 or 6. She agreed and came home that night. I tried my best not to be overbearing or to throw what she had done in her face or anything like that. Being off work I concentrated on our daughter and household upkeep, and trying to rebuild our relationship. 2 weeks ago while our daughter was at my parents' house visiting with her cousins and grandparents she told me we needed to talk again. She hesitated a bit and I asked what was wrong, she told me I didn't want to hear it, I told her we can't work on anything if I don't know what it is, finally she spit it out. She told me that she would be moving into an apartment with her sister and her sisters' friends in 2 weeks. Of course I flipped, I told her I was not going to let her live in my home while she was planning to leave me, and I asked her to leave. Apparently she had only been home for 2 weeks when she made the decision to move in with her sister. We have worked out a temporary separation and custody agreement in which I have full custody and she pays child support. In the written agreement she has overnight visitation on her days off, and may request to visit in my home on days where her shift ends early. With the holidays coming up I also gave her all the holidays with the provision that our daughter be available for thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dinners at my parent's house. It's almost funny, we have actually been talking more since she has been out of the house than we did when she was home for the past couple months. Right now she is telling me that this is not a permanent thing. She just needs some space and some time away from me to figure out what she wants. She tells me she wants what's best for our daughter and she knows that would mean her being home but she can't do that right now. She tells me that I have done nothing wrong and that I have been a wonderful father and husband. I have been encouraging her to seek counseling, I have been asking her to do that since before she left the first time. She says she is thinking about it. She tells me she is probabally coming home in the next couple months but she just signed a 1 year lease with her sister. She says that is no big deal if she moves back home she will continue to pay her share of the rent until her sister can find a new roommate. The longer we have been apart the more confident she sounds that this will be short term, at first she was telling me the relationship was over and she wanted a divorce, but now she is saying she just needs time and space and she'll be coming home. At first she was going to take all her stuff she had in her closet and her dresser and several other things. Well she moved into her apartment today and all she took was her dresser 2 plants and her coffee maker, and she sounded even more confident that this was short term. I have been trying to be the good guy in this, but I have been going back and forth on this, of course I was upset when she first laid this on me, then I was ok with it and was trying to kill her with kindness, I have been inviting her over for dinner to spend time with our daughter and with me, I invited her to go trick-or-treating with us even though it was not her visitation day, before that I invited her to come over for dinner and to carve pumpkins. She joined us for all of these times, and we have been talking for 30 minutes to an hour most nights, last night however I kind of went off on her again, I took a low paying temp job to get myself out of the house, and I was having a difficult time getting our daughter to bed, she complained about my parenting technique and I told her if she had a problem with it she could come home and help me. I also told her about the set backs I am now experiencing in our daughters progress. In the time I have been off work I have spent a lot of time with our daughter, I finally got her fully potty trained, to the point where she was no longer asking us to come to the bath room every time (only needed help with wiping after a BM), and I had also gotten her past a problem she had. For a long time our daughter would hold her BM in until it hurt. We had to put her on medication to get her used to having the BM on a daily basis. She had been off the medicine for 2 months, but now she is holding it in again. She has also become afraid of the dark and does not want to sleep in her room alone even with a night light. Being a father and caring about my daughter as I do this really bothers me, I told her and of course it bothers her too, at first she tried saying there was nothing she could do about that, I had to call BS on that. She is the only one that can do anything. However as much as I want her to come home, I really don't want her just coming home right now. I realize we do need some time to step back from the situation go to counseling and work on our issues. I realize that we cannot be in our relationship right now. She feels that while she was home for the past couple months I have been a bit overbearing and that I didn't want her going out with her friends. Of course she broke my trust and I still don't trust her fully. And when a gay male co-worker invited her out I said I wanted to be included. I felt that even if I didn't want to go and I probably wouldn't have gone out with them I felt I should at least be invited. When ever I got together with my friend I always at least invited her to come along. Right now she tells me that she still loves me but she is not ready to talk about our issues yet, when I talk to her I try not to talk about the issues, I am trying to give her the space and time she wants, she says she is still considering seeing a counselor and I have told her that when she decides she wants to come home, I will not allow her to come home until she is in counseling on her own and we are in couples counseling. I know there isn't really a question in all of this, but it feels good to get it out, and I look forward to any comments others may have. Because other than what we are already doing I don't know what else to do.
