Rileyscarlet

Thanks RayKay. I appreciate your comments and support. It's so hard! But I'm certainly not alone in my plight. Thanks everyone!

I agree that it's not just physical chemistry. At all... Being the "one" actually goes far beyond just the physical, because that can fade. There needs to be an actual foundation for the relationship. I agreed with the idea that the "one" won't necessarily swim shark-infested waters for you at every moment. Even the "one" needs a break!! I think it's far too easy to give a specific time for a person to know you're the "one." For some people, it happens instantaneously. For others, there are many other issues that prevent you from recognizing or admitting that this particular person is the "one." My guy told me if he was going to commit, it would be to me. But, at this point, even if he knows that he loves me, he wouldn't admit it to himself, much less to me!! There are extenuating circumstances. Believe it or not, people can talk themselves into or out of most things. Some people are incredibly stubborn and set in their ways. And they aren't about to change until they are ready and want to. So maybe I'm the fool waiting around for that day to come, and I will NOT wait forever. I will give him the break he wants (and needs), but I am not going to sit around the rest of my life waiting for him. I believe in us, but I am realistic enough to know that I would waste my life waiting for a man to change. But, I really don't think you can set time limits for knowing a person is the "one." Sometimes it's not that easy...

Thanks RayKay!!

So you recommend that I keep the no contact going? I really want to ask him his intentions, but obviously he doesn't know or we wouldn't be on this "break!" Do you think no contact until he contacts me is the best approach? Thanks again for replying. It means a lot to just get objective feedback!

Obviously, your reply disheartened me. But I appreciate it nontheless. I know how this situation must look to everyone else. And if I were standing outside looking in, I'd probably be giving myself the same advice everyone is giving me. But it is so difficult to actually explain our relationship and how he is with me. I think it's worth fighting for...I do. But my main problem is, what if I do wait around (though not wallowing in despair, but attempting to disconnect, realign my love) and he hasn't thought about it enough or it is over? Basically, I want to know now. I want to know if he really does have intentions of thinking about things and progressing in life together, or if he just chicken **** and is using this "break" as a way to break-up slowly. How do I figure that out?? Thanks again!

Thank you. I appreciate your reply. So, do you think a "break" really can be beneficial?

I'll try to make this short as possible (but in re-reading, I realize it is a novella...please read anyway!). I have known this man since we were in junior high (we are both now almost 27). We reconnected at our mutual best friend's wedding over a year ago. Long story short, we hooked up at the wedding, continued a long-distance friendship for a few months, then I moved back to Columbus (where he is...did NOT move for him). At this point we were considered friends with benefits. Once we could be together in the same city, our friendship blossomed. We became each other's best friend, all the while my feelings for him were growing stronger. To his credit, he told me from the beginning that he was not looking for a relationship. He had just gotten out of one and due to that and some unresolved emotional issues, he just would rather control his happiness by being alone, than give himself up to the whims of a relationship. This is what he SAID. What he DID/ACTIONS were two entirely different things. We spent all of our free time together (we also carpooled, and worked at the same office), so I'm sure it got to be too much. We tried to break things off a few times (usually I initiated)...because I knew I loved him, but I knew he was hesitant to make our relationship "official." We have such a terrific relationship, commitment issues aside. We only ever argue about our future, and being a very confrontational person, to find someone that balances me so that I am calm and completely happy is a rarity. But our break ups never worked because we want to be together. We've been together a little over a year (a year seems to be his prime break-up time with his previous girlfriends), and he started being distant a few weeks ago. I, of course, noticed and wondered why. He said that he finds it extremely difficult to tell when someone loves him (he didn't grow up in a very affectionate household), but he is able to tell with me, and that makes him uncomfortable. Because he feels weird that he can't give me what I deserve right now in terms of love and commitment. He actually said that he wouldn't let himself (or admit to himself) that he loved me even if he did. And he has said "I love you" twice, but totally downplayed it. But he says I mean far more to him than his two previous girlfriends, the second of which he told he loved. He is desperately searching for a job in an economy where lawyers are too easy to come by. And he is very much the provider/protector type of guy, so he feels as if he doesn't have anything to offer anyone without a steady job. This puts immense pressure on him, along with the constant pressure from his parents to find a job. Like he's not trying! Anyway-I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore. I really needed to know if our relationship was moving forward, or if I should just cut my ties and leave now. I told him he had to make a decision. He said he didn't want to break up, because he can't imagine me not in his life (I told him I wouldn't be able to be friends with him after a break up because I love him too much). He said if he was going to commit to anyone, it would be me. But he said that committing to me is (in his mind) the equivalent of proposing. He said if he committed now, we would get married, because he doesn't ever see us breaking up. And he's just not ready to make that sort of commitment. And he doesn't know if he ever will be. Certainly not now. So he chose to go on a break (three-month) so he could reassess where he is then. The pressure from me, his lack of job and his parents was too much. And I realize that. And obviously, finding a job is of paramount importance. I have a few questions - I truly believe this guy is worth waiting for because I can't imagine loving/connecting with anyone like I do him. I know he doesn't want to sow his oats, or be with someone else, I just think he truly can't give of himself right now. I admire his honesty, but at the same time, I want him to want to get over his issues. Obviously! I want him to at least give us a real shot. It would be much easier to let go of him if our relationship didn't work out for real, legitimate reasons...but I can't let go if there is nothing concrete now. Does that make sense? He said that we would still hang out, talk, take a walk, go to a movie every so often. It's been a week and we haven't talked. And I'm not going to make the first move. I think it's his call when he wants to contact me. But I just wish I knew if he was actually thinking about everything and trying to work on things. I feel as if he doesn't have incentive to work on things because he knows how much I love him and that I would wait for him. Friends say I need to take him out of his "comfort zone," by no contact. Make him wonder for once what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with. Because he expects me to call...but I'm not going to. I'm trying to be realistic and approach this as a break-up, so I don't sit around moping for three months of angst and anxiety. But, naturally, I hold out on the hope that all will work out. People aren't very positive on this site about "breaks." Any new input? Has it worked for anyone? Sorry this is so long...