undecided

OK OK! bwahaha! you're so funny! i'm not looking for sympathy! anyway, i guess, now i'm back to forget it. and NC. i can't really write that letter i don't think. it's not me. i think i need to forget about him for now. if it's meant to be, then it will work itself out eventually. it's his loss........ i'm going to give it at least one or two more weeks without doing anything. if nothing happens after that, if he doesn't try to contact me, he's out of my life. (and my dog's life too! *snort*)

OK, so then you think it's ok for me to write just once and tell him i am not mad and giving him space to think/decide? but the thing is it's not HIM being mad, it's my fear that he'll think I'M mad.....oh, well wait, right, i guess your comment addreses that. i am nervous to write. that's pretty much what the letter in my inbox says: Hey B, You know, I've been thinking...... There is a reason why we broke up, and if both of us cannot come back to the table after a three month separation with a strong desire to be more considerate, more compassionate and communicative people - willing to listen to each other and willing to try to fix the specific problems we were each feeling before the break up - then you are right.......nothing good will ever come from a second attempt, it doesn't matter if we've had a bazillion 'fun adventures'. This I fully agree with. Though it really is too bad, as I think in many ways we are really great together. I miss climbing, skiing, and backpacking with you. I miss laughing and loving and learning with you. I care for you so much and would like to try to be a better partner to you, but I also want you to be happy. If it isn't there 110% on your end as well, then it will never work. I can accept that and know that my original decision was the right decision and stick to it. I guess that's really all I have to say. I am going to be spending some time focusing on bettering my health/athletic strength, bettering my business/financial situation, and bettering my relationship with (my dog), my friends, and my awesome new roommates. For me, I've realized that being alone is better than being with the wrong person. I am not rushing out to find a date tomorrow. You know where I am if you decide you want to talk. I would prefer not to communicate about this via email anymore, or even over the phone, as I think it is too cold and impersonal, and there are too many ways things can be misinterpreted without eye contact and body language. I will always love you. A (and my dog too) I really do want to send it, but have been holding off because i wrote the last email. i don't want to bug him, i don't want to piush him away. i can wait. i just don't want him to use this girl just to get back at me or distract him from thought of me. Not to mention i don't even think he's been very fair to the girl! i feel sorry for her! he's spending time with her, but talking her down to me? oof................

one more thing though.......... my biggest fear about NC is that he will think i am angry at him (we have a history of this remember) for not writing back or agreeing to talk with me last weekend on a hike.....not only not agreeing, but not even contacting me to tell me no directly. will this hinder him from contacting me? if he thinks i might be angry or it might start up another disagreement. in my mind i have already decided to let it go and not get mad, knowing that he probably just needed time and space to think (though i'm sure he spent time with the girl i bet, though i know sunday-tues night he was in tennessee on business) i figured Wed he would get back and get back in order from his trip, but he has STILL not called or written on made contact. i am afraid he'll be afraid to contact me for fear i'll be angry. we've never done the NC thing ever, just a day here and there and then contact. or do you think that when he wants to, he won't worry about it?

thanks superdave, i think it's sage advice....... i am strong, thats the thing. i take action when needed (the initial breakup, i don't believe in stringing someone along with 'i need time and space' though now i am KICKING myself for getting into a relatiosnship so fast - mybe eventually he will feel the same way), and i'm not clingy no matter how much i care for him. i really do believe if it's meant to be, it will happen. NC is not that hard, but i am totally wondering what he is thinking and what he's doing, esp on the weekends when i know he's with her. we were always the weekend warriors going on adventure everytime i'm on like agamemnon! thanks for the advice, i'll keep ya posted!

i was the dumper. I am female. We had dated for a year and we really loved each other, but we were horrible communicators and started to argue all the time about really stupid things. He was a bit self centered. When things were good, they were very very good, we were very compatible and loved to ski, climb, backpack, surf, etc etc together, but when things were bad, they would end in these all out fights where neither of us would ever give in until we just couldn't fight anymore. he has a very high stress job and an anger/stress problem (he had an ulcer too). It had been 2 months since I broke up with him and he had sent friendly e-mails all during that time with subtle i miss yous, the longest he ever went was maybe 2 weeks, but he knew i was away for more than 1 of them. Sometime he sent an email every three days. They were always light, but had a small hint like 'I miss you' or 'i miss my two favorite climbing partners' or 'I have been really bummed out over the last few weeks'. I was always friendly and wrote back, but never really acknowledged the words. Then at around two months he invited me over for dinner to meet his mom and aunt that were in town. i figured i could go as a friend, but it stirred up a lot of emotion in me. I had recently started dating another guy. He wrote me after coming over and said 'thanks for coming over, you looked really great.' I didn't write back to the email because i was at the coast, with said new bf. (I regret now going out with someone so soon, it does not solve your problems, only acts as a distraction to get your mind off things.) He called on Sat night and left a message saying he hadn't heard back from me and hoped i made it home from dinner ok. On Monday I wrote him a sort of short email, and he called immediately and starting giving me the 20 questions - asked where i had been and who i had gone with. I told him i went with someone I was seeing. he got very upset (this was mid August, one month ago) and argued with me, and we ended the call on a bad note. the next morning he wrote me and said 'sorry for yesterday. it was not my intention to get you mad. i guess i was a bit bummed out to hear that you already have a new boyfriend. i was always hoping that things would work out between us. i guess i can understand that you have moved on. i guess it is now time for me to move on as well.' So THEN, to make a long story short, I started thinking more about my ex, my new bf did something rude and i dumped him, then I heard from my ex was going camping 4 days over labor day weekend. i was sad and wanted to go with him. i asked him who he was going with and he listed off a bunch of his friends and then said 'and this new girl i'm seeing' but then proceeded to talk her down and said she's a cool girl, but she just backpacks, and 'she doesn't ski, you know that will be a problem' (he and i had skied every weekend all winter). But then he called me THE FIRST DAY after he got back from the weekend right after he got off work and set plans with me to go to sushi. we had been talking about going prior. So when sushi came, we went and ate and drank sake. On the walk home, i was really feeling attracted to him, and really wanting to kiss him (i'm sure the sake helped lower my inhibitions, and we always had GREAT attraction and physical intimacy). i asked him if he was still going out with that girl? He said, 'not really, she'll be a good friend, shes a cool person' on and on talking her down saying it wasn't that serious. i grabbed his arm and said can i kiss you? and gave him a passionate kiss! when we were done, i said 'sorry', sort of embarrassed but happy, and he said 'that was nice'. We went back to my place and were talking and he said that i needed to tell him what happened with the guy i had been seeing. i told him the guy did something dumb and i dumped him. He asked me, 'if that hadn't have happened, would you have still broken up with him', and i paused. He said 'you have to think about the answer?' and i told him he could ask either of my best girlfriends, i had been talking about and thinking about and missing him (my ex) before the current bf had done anything stupid. our conversation got cut short, and he had to go. before he left i asked if i could kiss him again, and he said he didn't thik that would be a good idea, we still had a lot to discuss. the next day he wrote and said 'i enjoyed hanging with you last night and it was nice to hold you again even though the situation is a bit weird. i need to come back as soon as you have some of that good beer ready for tasting...' (i brew beer) i write back and say call me if you want to do something this weekend, i should be around......no response. then on monday i get an email from him saying he had a 'great weekend surfing at the coast, and could i watch his dog for him the next weekend when he went away for business'. I called him up and said i could probably watch his dog, but that i felt weird that he had not addressed anything we had talked about the previous Thurs. I then asked him if he went to the coast alone. he said he went with the girl he had been seeing - he said that he'd already had the plans before we met on Thursday. I got very defensive and said that i knew he had to be thinking one way or the other......was he interested in trying to work things out with me, or interested in continuing on with this other girl. i wouldn't have even freaked out if he had said he didn't want to work it out with me, but i just felt like i wanted to know what was going on and what his feelings were. Should i stay or should i just move on. He got upset at me and said that i didn't have the right to be throwing down ultimatums. he told me i should be saying sorry that our conversation got cut short and would i like to continue it at some point. we ended up having a knock down drag out fight just like old times. we ended the call. the next morning he emailed me and said 'Why? Do you not know when you push me? Why does it have to be so hard? Sorry for letting it get to me....' Then i wrote him and said i was sad for the outcome, sorry for my part, and asked him if he wanted to get together the next weekend on a hike with the dogs and finish our discussion Anyway, blahblahblah....... The last thing that happened was he sent me an email that said 'thanks for asking me to get together. i would really like that, but i feel as though our last conversion was a repeat of every problem that we have had. i so wish things were different with us. i love you and wish i could be with you. i just need to be able to communicate with the person i'm with. our last conversation brought up so many old bad feelings. i do not know what to do. i can not live in those situations, no matter how much i love you. and i am afraid it can not change. i do not know what to do...' I wrote him back a very apologetic loving, but not pushy or pursuing letter, and that was all last Friday and i haven't received a call or email from him since. So that's where i am now. I wrote a closure letter out to him but it's in my drafts folder (i'll PM anyone a copy if there is interest or it would help with advice). I want to send it, but i'm not going to. I know we have arguments, maybe i'm dumb to want to get back thinking we can work on that, but i really really love him and we are so compatible in every other way. I broke up with him because we had started disrespecting each other too much. i regret going with someone else, it was too soon, but I don't feel guilty, because we both have. In a nutshell, I want to be a better communicator and be back with him. Do you think he is using this girl to hurt me/make me jealous, or just to distract him from thoughts of me. I don't think its really serious, truly, i don't think he was talking her down to me to spare my feelings. I'm assuming everyone just thinks NC is the way to go, even though i was the dumper that wants to come back....... Anyway, i've already pretty much decided that i'm full on in NC mode. I just want peoples unbiased opinions from the description. how could he have said all those things for 2 1/2+ months, and then turn in a matter of two weeks with a new girl and not wanting me back at all. i feel sort of angry because i feel he drew me back in and when i was reeled in, he threw me back out to sea. I am strong. I'm not going to have a tizzy over it. If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. i just hate being in such limbo and would rather he just call me and say i'm dating this girl and I don't want to get back with you. instead he ends it with an 'i love you and want to be with you but don't know if i can. i don't know what to do.......... ' I was the last to contact him. it has been 6 days (bwahahaha! i guess that's nothing. feels long though considering our history) UGH! HELP! PS SuperDave, you rock! you give great advice.....thanks for this post