ilovecats666

I guess as an update for anyone who is curious, I think I am ending the relationship. 

I think a lot of you are right in saying that I'm not ready for this situation, I'm not. 

I think if it were in person, it would have worked out well. But the pressure of the long distance and vague future is getting to me.

Yesterday I discussed with him how I'm having an extremely hard time with the situation. And he more or less said that his next 5 ish years will probably have him moving around a lot and working even more. Which is definitely unstable and leaving him with even less time. And I know I won't be able to cope. I already only intermittently am. Aka not. 

I think I need to back out before I make his life a nightmare with my insecurities. I know I can be massively draining though it isn't my intention. Because it's a nightmare to live in my own brain sometimes. So I imagine it'd not great to be on the other end either. 

I'll take a long break and keep working with my therapist and psychiatrist to hopefully be more normal psychologically at some point. 

It is very devastating because he's a great dude. Easily the best guy I've ever dated.

I just know I'm not going to be magically better any time soon. And this relationship taught me a lot about how deeply not healed I am. 

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oh that is easy. You were "first in village" but now you are "one of the last in town". Means that you are in a very different league now. Where you are not on a level that you can handle a healthy relationship. 

Its not so bad position to be with. As long as you are willing to work to get on the right level of emotional stability to handle and accept a healthy relationship.

Very much so. 

Its WILDLY different. In a much better way, but different none the less. 

I'm absolutely working on it. I have a long time therapist that is helping me. And I'm very careful to not lash out at him. And to own it when I am out of line 

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Why type of things are surfacing? Are you still concerned about your family and their reactions?  Perhaps you're just nervous about dating and anxious about your family? Is this the same man?:

 

Yes it's that same guy.

And yes I still have some of those same anxieties, but its a little more than that. It's basically my entire history of relationship trauma surfacing BECAUSE he is safe to discuss and confront issues with. I'm very happy with him. I'm just alarmed at the amount I've repressed over the years. 

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because it's healthy on paper -maybe- but not healthy for you -not compatible with you.  Many people choose to communicate as you put it - they express themselves appropriately and may even be comfortable expressing vulnerability.  Here's my guess- that kills the thrill of the chase for you -and it could be his "choice to communicate" is a bit much -perhaps he overshares, perhaps it comes across as needy or overwhelming or "too nice."  But for you it means you don't have to wonder how he feels, if he feels, if he wants to see you - he does, he tells you, no keeping you guessing.  You get excited from not knowing where you stand, will he call, does he want me, why is he on social media but he didn't text all day, etc.  

I wouldn't assume he is emotionally healthy -he might be - but choosing to communicate doesn't mean you're doing it in a way that works for the other person.  So there is emotionally healthy but not compatible for you - in a romantic context -there is "oh wow he is so expressive" but really he is a people pleaser which might not work for you, etc.  

I actually like that my husband is more introverted, I like that he doesn't overshare even though it means I sometimes have to drag it out of him or wait it out.  I like that he keeps me on my toes by challenging me, disagreeing with me, etc.  He is a very stable person who "chooses to communicate" differently than me -I tend to the more chatty/extroverted. He can have an hour conversation with a good friend and he didn't think to ask about how the person's kids are or how their recent move went or something I definitely would have asked and he'll say "you're right I forgot to ask that!" But his close friends are so bonded with him - both directions.  Some of his friends - been a 40 plus year friendship.  They just "choose to communicate differently."

I am assuming you mean he freely expresses his emotions.  You always know where you stand.  He is reliable.  So it could be - yes you're used to unavailable men -they seem sexier and more exciting to you - or it could be you're getting a whiff of him tending to the more needy/gushy/overwhelming and choosing to communicate from a position of insecurity instead of reasonable confidence (not arrogance).

Been there done that.  I had to get over that which is why I share it here.  I also loved the sort of distant/cold/somewhat unavailable type -it seemed masculine and exciting and meant I never really had to commit and I confused that type of thrill for lasting click/chemistry/excitement albeit quieter excitement.

Doesn't need to be "past trauma" either -simply could be this doesn't float your boat.  At this point.

I DO believe we are compatible and I don't mean to make it seem like I am complaining about him. He's great. Just the relationship being a safe space has allowed more trauma to surface than I was expecting.

Plus I'm having to learn that a little boring is GOOD. And that constant "excitement " is tumultuous 

55 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I wish you all the best and a peaceful and happy relationship. 🙂

Thank you! I am definitely getting there 

6 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Now you see, THIS is the part that I don't get, lol.  Safe place is supposed to be easy, calming, contentment, soothing, etc,  "Safe place" and "hard" just don't work together in my pea brain, lol.

Hahahah idk. Trauma brain is weird 

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is the first time I've ever heard of a healthy relationship being triggering.  

In my past sketchy relationship history,  I was in unhealthy ones.  I was part of the unhealthiness - but still I was very triggered by all of the crap.  

When those days were behind me I was not "triggered" just from being in a healthy relationship, not at all.  In fact, being "triggered" is not something that happens to me much anymore because I understand myself and I am not very reactive even to painful things.  It's possible to just go through the feelings.

So ... what you are experiencing, IMO, may not be "triggered due to healthy relationship."

I'd say it's more that I'm in a safe space now that's allowing trauma to surface how it hasn't been allowed to before. 

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

John Gray discusses this in his Mars/Venus series of books, articles and videos. 

As humans beings we tend to suppress painful emotions and trauma, bury them deep within which allows us to carry on in life. 

When we meet that special someone and bond and with whom we feel safe emotionally, all those painful emotions and trauma we've been suppressing begin to rise to the surface, we feel safe enough emotionally to sort of unload our painful past trauma on to our new "stable" partner after which it all gets released into the Universe. 

This has happened to me more than once, which also confused me but now I understand it.

You're not crazy and you don’t have "issues" other than the past trauma you've been suppressing up till now since you met someone with whom you feel 'safe.'

It's all part of the healing process.  Be patient with yourself it may take time, but eventually all the trauma from your past will rise up to the surface and get released and you can move forward with your new partner!

 

 

I may look those up. I enjoy new reads on the topic.

And very much so. I'm very grateful for him and his stability. And don't want to OVER do it.

Its just hard to address surfacing trauma in a way I haven't had the chance to before. 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, correct me if I'm wrong but I read her post as HER being  the one with the past trauma that she's been suppressing.

But since meeting this great person who is stable and knows how to communicate, and with whom she feels safe (i.e. her definition of healthy relationship), all that trauma is rising to the surface to be addressed and released.

Where she's normally been the stable partner, she now feels unstable with "obvious issues". 

Her last sentence of her original post. 

Correct. The problem one is me not him 😂

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If this person is great,  knows how to communicate and you feel safe,  be grateful and thank your lucky stars. 🌟

However,  be careful and cautious.  You don't want to chase your partner away by thinking this partner is indispensable,  someone whom you can constantly dump your problems onto and drain this partner dry.  Being with a person who has a lot of baggage can be taxing if you don't handle the relationship with consideration in mind.  Tread lightly.  Be reasonable.  Never burn a person out by thinking they're your therapist or crutch. 

I agree. Thankfully I have a long time therapist who is great. It's just new to me to have a relationship that's a safe space. 

I am very grateful for him. And his stability. And I tell him that often. And when I do go off the rails, I always apologize and own it. I try to make a huge point to not be a burden.

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree.  As the painful emotions and trauma rise up, it's best to sort it all out with a qualified therapist.

However and what's happened to me, is that my partner has encouraged me to open up, HE wants to help me sort it out. 

THAT is actually when the painful emotions really have a chance to rise up given your new partner is so patient and understanding.

100%. When it's a safe space it's HARD even though it's wonderful. 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's kind of like (for example) when you experience a death of someone close (painful emotion) and you're dealing with it just fine, you haven't even cried yet.

Then someone comes along who offers sympathy and condolences and suddenly the painful emotions rise to the surface and you break out in tears!! 

This has happened to me even months after the death.  It's very common to suppress pain and get triggered later after meeting someone who again allows us to feel safe. 

It's happened to me many times which is what prompted me to learn more about it and understand why it happens. 

Yes! Its finally a safe space. And that's the problem and the solution 😂

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree,  only if your partner is on board with your sharing your painful memories or past.

I actually place myself in their shoes.  If it's all I hear morning,  noon and night,  I'd go crazy with other people's problems ad nauseum.  Most people need a break from it. 

Other subjects can be discussed too instead of the endless,  constant 'woe is me' stories which can get old real fast or after a while. 

Definitely. I do see a therapist, and do my best to not dump on him. It just projects light onto my issues in a way that doesn't happen in a toxic setting 

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

It sounds like you were once the in a previous relationship the A student because your other classmate was a dunce but now that you are hanging out with smart kids you feel a lot less smart.

 Do you feel overshadowed by your partner?  They seem to have it all together and it makes you feel like you are a mess?

 Do view this as a good thing or a bad thing?  As will it help you aspire to more or will it depress you so much you stop wanting to grow since you think you are not worthy?

Lost

Very much. That's an excellent way to put it. I'm used to having to be the mature one. And it's finally not the case. And yes, him being SO calm and communicative makes me realize how many things I need to work on because I have a hard time with both. 

Its a positive. He's a good partner. I just find it interesting that it's a bigger struggle for me 

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Same here.  I consider myself to be in a very healthy relationship and I don't understand where "triggering" comes into it.  I don't get it 🤔

It shines a light on everything that I need to work on. I notice it more when I'm not having to "baby" my partner"s feelings so much like I'm used to. And therefore I have to turn into myself and see how I feel without care taking someone else's emotions for once 

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is the first time I've ever heard of a healthy relationship being triggering.  

In my past sketchy relationship history,  I was in unhealthy ones.  I was part of the unhealthiness - but still I was very triggered by all of the crap.  

When those days were behind me I was not "triggered" just from being in a healthy relationship, not at all.  In fact, being "triggered" is not something that happens to me much anymore because I understand myself and I am not very reactive even to painful things.  It's possible to just go through the feelings.

So ... what you are experiencing, IMO, may not be "triggered due to healthy relationship."

I think it more just shines a light on everything I have to work on in a way that toxic relationships never did. And it's good, I'm not trying to complain about it. But it's hard in a whole new way.

I'd have some friends review your profile. 

VERY often I would skip over profiles just because they aren't very filled out, or the pics aren't great. 

How much effort you put into your profile makes a difference with women, I assure you. 

Not that it isn't still hard out there. But, I'd look into making your profile better. Good, clear pictures, filled out prompts and preferences, bio, etc. 

And secondly, I'd be holding off a little bit until you get your life together a little bit more. A job and a place will go far. 

Not driving isn't a big deal IF you have a job and a place. Uber and public transport exists. 

I'm still in this same boat from time to time, though it's only been 3 years past. 

Though it's hard, thr only reason the memories cling SO hard and are devastating, is because the relationship itself was a large source of unresolved trauma. 

What has helped me is making a list of stuff I miss, and then a list of why the relationship did not work. 

When you're really honest, there tends to be more obvious cons. It's certainly not a cure, but it helps keep me grounded in the reality of why it didn't work out. 

I'm sorry, break ups are rough. And I think it's totally normal to be feeling both relief and grief. Especially if it was a tumultuous or complicated relationship.

How long ago was the break up? Grieving like this is normal. But if it's affecting you this much months down the road, I'd seek some therapy. It helps. It can be so great to have someone help you regulate.

I mean, i know it's a past trauma thing that has to be addressed. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues. 

So,

Long story short, I have a semi tense relationship with much of my family. But ESPECIALLY my grandma (on my dad's side). 

She's easily the meanest person I've ever known. She met a boyfriend of mine once and was unbelievably mean to him. 

So, now I'm at the point dating this guy currently that I'm probably going to be introducing him to my family. BUT, I don't want him to ever have to interact with my grandma. I feel like she has lost her privileges to anyone in my life with her past (consistent) behavior. 

The thing is, her and my dad are my only family in state. 

Which I could avoid her now. But eventually if it gets more serious, the holidays are a concern. And if I ever move in with him, all hell WILL break loose. It has before. 

I really think I personally cannot handle seeing her interact with anyone more than anything. 

But, I know as soon as my dad knows, she will too. 

Any advice on how to navigate keeping boundaries with her without being cruel? Because I know she will be hurt about not meeting him. But it just isn't going to happen. 

Also I'm a little afraid my dad will pressure it a little even though he also can't stand her. 

18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It depends on where he goes and how realistic it would be for you to go and find work and adapt and so on. I would give the relationship another 6 months before giving a lot more thought to it. You're still fairly new to each other so I would see how things unfold more. 

Again, I would not stress yourself out about this unless and until you actually have a solid plan to move. Right now, it's just an idea. Cross the above bridge if and when you come to it. 

This is where we realize that we have to make our own choices, even if our parents don't agree. I understand you'd like them to support you. That's normal. But you will have to work on being strong and shaping your own future even if they don't. You can inform them of your choices, of course, but you shouldn't need to involve them when you make those choices. Not at this stage of your life. They might kick up a fuss, yes, but you are going to have to develop some resilience and boundaries so that you can still live your life as you see fit. 

Having said that, it would be wise to make it clear to your dad that you have a boyfriend. You need to get some practice in living your life openly. 

I definitely do need to get more comfortable living my life openly. It's just so uncomfortable. But I guess that's part of it. 

And I definitely agree. I'm definitely not making a decision anytime soon. But I guess I just cope by doing this hahaha. Easier to plan for it and not, then to not plan for it and then go. Atleast for me.

You definitely make a good point. I certainly would only if we were very stable at the time. And i guess it may be good to consider my own place.

13 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Depends on how he feels about it and how prepared you will be to support yourself financially. You will be away from family and friends, can you handle that? and not be dependent on him?.....are you an independent type of person that is able to make fiends quickly, find a good job, etc? Will you have a backup plan if things go sour and you will be on your own? If you wouldn't be able to handle any of these situations, then call it quits. It's not worth it. 

Yes, very good points.

Thankfully I'm someone who is pretty independent and resourceful. I would have a job and a life pretty quickly, no problem. I do well in that regard. 

And I always have a back up plan. worst case, I certainly have people that would help me and take me in. But I'd be more prepared than that. 

He is very interested in me coming. Him being sure about me is very disconcerting as I've never been in a relationship with someone so emotionally stable 🥲. But has made it clear that if I'm not ready, he's not gonna break up with me about it. 

And I know that this is very important for his life and future. Which is why me leaving would even be considered. 

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't discuss it or mention it to family if or until it becomes a reality. It's a long way off and there is no need to worry about it now. You're not even sure about the future with him so there's no point starting a fuss with your conservative parents. 

Definitely fair. I wouldn't mention the moving for sure. 

But I do feel like they should know he exists i guess since I really do HOPE that it goes somewhere