Massey

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My husband trusts me to know when to share information with him and so he's never put any conditions on it.  I've chosen not to share with him when exes have contacted me inappropriately as I react by not responding or shutting down the interaction - and I know my husband wouldn't need to know as he trusts me to know how to handle such situation - and if I had romantic feelings for a male friend I'd decide on my own how to handle that in a way that was consistent with my marriage and marital commitment.  But I never have. 

I wouldn't tell my husband unless I -hypothetically!! - chose to act on it by being with that person instead of my husband or by getting a divorce because it made me realize deeper issues. Again -never happened.  I do not believe it ever will happen.

  I also behave appropriately in general so that I don't play with fire and I prioritize my loyalty to and love for my husband and son over any situation that might require such a choice whether romantic or otherwise.  My husband knows this about me and therefore has never told me what I have to tell him about my dealings with others.  I've never told him what he has to tell me about his dealings with others. 

When he had dinner with his ex girlfriend 10 years ago he told me about it in advance, I was fine with it and he told me after it was fine -I didn't ask. They are still colleagues but haven't worked in the same place since before he and I married.

Because it was unnecessary for me to ask the man I married and trust whether the dinner was appropriate.  I already assumed it was. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I did show my husband one email I received. A man I met while on jury duty and chatted with LinkedIn with me.  A couple of years later he emailed me.  maybe we’d exchanged one or two emails since then.  

I actually might have done the same thing. But in the past, my boyfriend said that he trusts me and he doesn't need to know of every little encounter with a male friend. 

He said that he would want to know on two conditions; the male friend has feelings for me or I have feelings for the the male friend. 

1 hour ago, Big Stan said:

See, my wife already knows I post here and the conversations I have.  I let her know about my day to start with so if she came across something from here she would already know.  I don't think not having any privacy is trusting, I think it's the opposite.  Trust is like faith, you need to have it when there ARE doubts or questions.  Now trust, like faith, has it's limits of course but for me maintaining a private cell phone is something where trust could come into play.  

Full disclosure is NOT trust.  You don't need trust when you can go through and verify for yourself.  Like @Batya33 said, if my wife came up to me and had a question about my activities I would sit down and find out if there was something I could do to alleviate those fears.  Maybe I've changed a behavior that I could explain or something. 

What I would not do is give full access to my private things because what that's telling me is that I am not trusted.  I know that I'm not cheating or doing anything I've said I wouldn't do.  Therefore the breach in trust is unwarranted from my perspective which is an issue in and of itself.  Also, it's worth noting that many times when one spouse starts leveling accusations about cheating it's because they are cheating and trying to mentally justify it.  So if my wife without warning suddenly demanded to see my phone and history it would raise some red flags of my own.  

Also I do have a female friend.  She's one of my employees but we do hang out a fair amount.  She is also friends with my wife and I told my wife that any time she wants to view our conversations we've had in their entirety, I've never deleted anything, she is welcome to. I'm supposed to keep things above board and mean it when I offer that, and she's supposed to trust me enough that she doesn't need to take me up on that offer.  

I like what you said. Thank you. 

11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

And its not pretty. I can only imagine somebody like her going through my phone. And me having to explain why my colleague called me this morning. Or why my childhood friend sends me Viber messages. In some cases lots of people discover infidelity in that way. But in some it just gives suspicions that lead to arguments. Its just a part of bigger issues.

I can totally see this.  The possibility of taking things that mean nothing and blowing it out of proportion. 

15 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

It showed that he was having an affair with an old girlfriend,

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 😕

41 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I agree with your partner, in this context.  You've supposedly built trust over the course of 2 years, and neither of you have given reason for the trust to be broken.  If one of you is not trusting because of insecurity, that is their own issue and not up to their partner to keep proving themselves to be trustworthy.

You either trust them or you don't.  If you don't, you should probably break up, since it's been 2 years.

Thank you for your perspective. 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

If this kind of dodging is how you communicate with him, no wonder he got irritated

Your comment is  unnecessary. But thank you for pointing out that I did not answer the question specifically. I thought I had. 

5 hours ago, Massey said:

One of the scenarios was of a man who went for coffee with a long time ex. They had both moved on but has remained friends. The man was in a relationship as was his ex. The article was discussing whether or not this was acceptable etc

I thought it would have been obvious that I posed a question to him from this statement. 

My mistake.

I asked him if he would go out with one is his exes for coffee, just like the scenario. He said yes. I asked him why would go out with an ex...there was nothing accusatory on my end.  And as I stated, he asked me the same question. 🤷‍♀️

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do she and her husband have trust issues or go through each other's phones? If they are suspicious, everyone knows a cheater gets burner phones. If they just want to control and police each other that's sad, but maybe you could suggest marriage counseling for your friend.

As far as you and your BF do whatever is right for you. What does your BF think about going through each other's phones?  

No, my girlfriend and her husband don't have any trust issues. None that she's communicated with me at least. 

My boyfriend says that he has no interest in going through my phone. He's hard core opposed yo going through mine and vise versa. He says he has nothing to hide but he sees it as an invasion of privacy. 

As for me, I have no reason to go through his phone. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think your question was disrespectful to your relationship and manipulative.  Adult conversations are lovely. I had no opinion on that. I was referring to your specific question.  I'd have a better filter so that you take into account your partner's feelings.

Example - we were on a road trip and visited the city where my husband lived for 5 years including one of the years we were dating. He had a serious girlfriend for part of the time who he hasn't mentioned in years.  They're colleagues but not at the same company and not in the same city anymore.  Our son was in the car.  As we drove past where he used to live he pointed to a building "that's where [ex] used to live!" So I said "why are you mentioning that?" He immediately realized it was not the best look to say that.  My son asked who that was and I told him the truth.  

Then I dropped it.  What if as part of an adult conversation I'd brought it up later "so why after all this time did you think of [] - and why say her name in front of me and our son?"

Sure I'm "entitled" to get more info and hear what he has to say but I thought about it and realized -why open a can of worm -believe him that it was  a random comment. If I didn't trust him I'd have questioned him and perhaps searched her up to see if they'd been at the same work event recently (I don't ask -not an issue).  That's what I mean -you are an adult.  Treating another adult like you don't trust him or leading him down an uncomfortable path is not cool IMO.

Thanks for your explanation. 

I guess we will have to disagree. I still don't see it as disrespectful and certainly not manipulative. 

Again, we both asked each other various questions regarding hypothetical situations. 🤷‍♀️ 

For the situation you described with you and your husband, I likely would have brought it up later. Not in a confrontational way but lightly. 

People handle situations differently. 🙂

@spinstermanquee

Thank you for your feedback; much appreciated 🙂

And I doubt that you're much older that I am 😉

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OK, so this is two friends discussing their respective partners, your friend regarding her husband and you regarding your boyfriend?

Correct; my female friend.

   Sorry, seem to have confused some. And I can see why now that I read back on it. 

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Ah ok, the entire thing left me confused. 

Oh I see the confusion! Sorry about that. Yes, when I said girlfriend, I meant my female friend. 

Apologies for that. 

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Are you guys sharing the account? 

Which account? 

Sorry, I'm not understanding your question. 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Are you the boyfriend or the girlfriend? 

The girlfriend.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she ok with it? Are you? 

As soon as policing, controlling and this level of distrust enter a relationship, it's getting toxic. 

Lack of boundaries and respect for privacy and dignity is how to build a pretty bad relationship.

My girlfriend said that although she has nothing to hide she wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with her husband or anyone going through her phone.

I kind of feel the same way. I don't have anything to hide from my boyfriend in terms of talking to men or doing anything inappropriate. However, there are conversations on my phone with my girlfriends which are and should remain private.

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would do my part and my boundary would end if I was being direspected or manipulated.  How are you doing your part to stop subjecting your partner to your issues he is not to blame for ? 
When I reconnected with my husband I met a lovely guy who really could have been the one. He wasn’t because from early on he subjected me to his insecurities. I raised it two weeks in. He told me he was in therapy for if and promised to change.  He did. For one week. Then back to the same behaviors.  See ya. Not fair to subject me to them.

Id work a lot harder if I were you on treating your partner thoughtfully and with respect. He’s not your parent or therapist. 

You don't think I'm treating him thoughtfully or respectfully because I asked him a hypothetical question? Which he, by the way, also asked of me. We were both talking about general relationship questions and then we brought ourselves into the mix. 

Sorry, maybe I'm missing something but I don't see that as being disrespectful and two people are having adult conversations.

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Could you clarify if you are discussing this with your BF or GF?

 

Sorry I missed that.

For the phone question, my girlfriend and I were having this discussion about our partners. For her, it's her husband and for me it's my boyfriend.

In this trust question, it's me referring to my boyfriend.

Not sure if that helps 🙂

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I understand. While the statement may have showed irritation, try flipping the script. How would you feel if someone posed your hypothetical to you?

So what was that? And why did you pose it?

Honestly, I wouldn't feel any way at all if someone had asked me that question.

Questions like that don't bother me but I can see  that it might irritate others.

It wasn't just me asking him the hypotheticals it was also him asking me the same.

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And those who say "I've been cheated on before so I just want to be sure that never happens again" I'd say "Sorry about that. How about you get back to me when you've dropped that baggage into the trash?"

I guess that's where I'm different. If I had a partner who had some insecurities about infidelity or abandonment etc. I would do my best to make sure that they feel secure. Even if I had to go over and above.

I know most people don't go this route and prefer to do as you suggested. But I've always felt this way.

2 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Understandable, in this context. I think what happened is your hypothetical didn't sit well with him—that he took is as a kind of veiled accusation—and he bit back a bit. 

Can you explain what this hypothetical was? 

Like, if my gf said something to me, out of nowhere along the lines of, "Hey, babe, I was wondering: If you were away on a trip, and if a woman started talking to you at a restaurant, would you tell her you were in a relationship or not?" what I would hear her saying is either "Babe, I don't trust you" or "Babe, I have some deep insecurities that don't have anything to do with you but rather than say that I'm going to weaponize them against you."

And I'd be annoyed. And could see myself saying, "You either trust me or you don't. Which is it?" 

I understand. Thank you for your point of view. 

We were discussing a few hypotheticals. Initially none of them had to do with the two of us, it was just general conversation.

I can't recall all of the situations that we discussed. They stemmed from an article that was online. 

One of the scenarios was of a man who went for coffee with a long time ex. They had both moved on but has remained friends. The man was in a relationship as was his ex. The article was discussing whether or not this was acceptable etc. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Then why did you pose the hpyothetical?

We had been talking about relationships in general at first, then I posed the question to him. 

I recently posted a topic on trust and thought I would pose this question.

Having access to, or going through your partner's phone seems to be a huge topic nowadays. My girlfriend and I were chatting about whether or not we would be okay with our partners going through our phones; voluntarily, not behind our backs. That's a different topic altogether. Lol

My question to you is: assuming that you are not doing anything untoward, would you let your partner go through your phone? Or, is this an overstepping of boundaries with regard to one's privacy in general?

If you answer no, you would not want your partner going through your phone; what would your reasons be?

Again, assuming that everything is on the up and up and you're not doing anything inappropriate behind your partner's back.

13 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Well, then BF has a point. If someone who's known me for 2 years used a hypothetical to question my trustworthiness, I'd view it as a statement of a lack of trust in me.

So, DO YOU actually trust this guy?

Honestly, I think my "issue" with trust in general is a 'me' thing. I have had relationships in the past where my partner was anything but trustworthy. Ironically, I trusted them....

He hasn't done anything for me to mistrust him. In fact, of you were to ask me, "What could he do to show you that you can trust him?"

My answer would be "nothing ". He already does everything that he could do. 

I just find the statement doesn't sit well with me, generally speaking. Even if a friend said that to me, I'd feel the same way. 

So, to answer your question, when it comes down to it, I do trust him. Sorry for the runaround answer 🙂

On 5/26/2023 at 4:52 PM, bluecastle said:

What does this mean exactly? Did you bring up a hypothetical situation to him, involving the two of you and he got huffy, saying, “You either trust me or you don’t.”

 

Yes, pretty much. 

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

That statement right there means you should be leaving the relationship. 

May I ask why you say that?