Sihana

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's always kind of a surprise to find out that our kids sometimes don't tell us things because they're trying to protect US. It's odd to us because we always want to be the ones protecting them. 

It is exactly this.

Well, I would like to know how close is your daughter to her stepmother or your homophobic parents.

Or how close she sees you to them, as if she could not be wanting to create tension between you and said people.

Just ask her out and see what happens.

If she agrees to see you in other place other than the bar she works at then yes, you might have a chance.

Don't make a big deal about it, you already talked with her about it, you saw what you saw.

 Just wait, don't pressure her, she may think you are worried, or feel unconfrontable, if she thinks you need to know, she will tell you.

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do, you even risk as being seen as the bad one here.

She has to realize what's good for her on her on own.

4 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

There are happy times but there has also been alot of un-happy times, in the beginning the relationship wasn't good but did get better BUT the memories of the un-happy times do haunt the present.

I mean, are you happy right now?

It all comes down to wether the relationship makes you happy or not.

13 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I was thinking along the same lines.  Like the mother can't, or doesn't want to accept her daughter is lesbian.

OP, catfeeder has given some brilliant advice.  Try it.

I'm not sure if that's the case, but I should add that with every relationship I have been, it's always the same, also, my mother blames my current or past girlfriends with every decision I make that she doesn't like, it can be a new haircut, or buying a house, it is never my idea, it's somebody else´s like I don't have a personality.

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Things went well, because I didn't argue with her. I stayed cheerful, I planted a seed, but I left it with her to consider instead of sticking around to allow things to go badly.

The larger issue is to claim your adulthood by acting like an adult who can model kindness even as you walk away. This prevents you from staying stuck in your old role as her adolescent child and squabbling over smaller points. 

If your Mom can bait you into small power-struggles, she wins. That's her way of getting and keeping your attention. Just like a kid, but now the roles are reversed. 

Her shift in viewing you differently won't happen overnight. It requires behavior changes from you that are consistent. Protect your privacy, stop trying to 'win' her approval, and just withdraw your presence when she acts like a brat. 

Reward her when she's being nice by spending time with her or staying on the phone with her. Whenever she's nice the whole time, reward her by making plans to see her again quickly.

The opposite is also true. When she tries to bait you by being nasty, be kind and tell her you love her, but you like nice-Mom a whole lot better. Then exit while telling her that you'd love to see her again soon. But don't make new plans or have phone convos for a longer time. Let her think about what she's done.

Head high, you can do this. It's called 'raising our parents'.

I must say that she does this thing were she tries to make me fight with her over my gf, I'm sad to admit that sometimes she accomplishes her purpose.

How hard is it for you to be receptive?

You seem bent on ruining your relationship.

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So yes but I think it would have been more confrontational because then the friend would have missed the meeting.

Serves her right, that what she gets for being rude and not being able to apologize.

Just now, Batya33 said:

The OP is the victim.  Being egocentric never excuses rudeness and the OP shouldn't have to spell out basic manners to her "friend"  - I like that she handled it by telling her she's done with offering her rides.

I'm just saying that she probably would have gotten an apology or could have gotten her friend out of her car instead of taking her to the mentioned meeting.

I'm all for expedited solutions.

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think it comes down to making your case and then letting her choose her next step.  I wouldn't try to reason with her when you are already arguing.  That never works.  What you could do is approach the topic when you are both relaxed and enjoying yourselves.

Tell her you hope that she can accept your girlfriend because this is the person you are choosing to build your life around and with.  PERIOD> END OF SENTENCE. 

If she says negative things-- as @catfeeder says, giver her a hug and say I'm sorry you feel this way.  I hope you change your mind.  Love you mom.  Then leave. I wouldn't try to convince her or even bargain with her on any of this.  It is your business who you associate with.  And part of being a healthy, happy human being is to set your own boundaries.  

You are not being a bad daughter or you're not a bad person.  People always say things like-- that's your mother.  Blood is thicker than water etc.  But here's the thing-- being biologically related is not a pass to act anyway you want.  She is acting poorly and she needs to decide does she want to be able to spew negativity and BS or does she want her daughter to come around. 

As a young lamb 🙂 my parents always wanted me to marry within our race and religion.  They made no bones about that.  Now that I am adult, I don't care.  If I fall for someone, that is MY CHOICE.  not theirs. 

I hope she does the right thing.  But either way, that is her choice.  Not yours.  You are an adult.  You can decide for yourself.  

A very kind approach.

Thank you.

You need to speak of for yourself, if your friend is egocentric she probably didn't even notice that you were upset.

By the time you texted her, a lot went on in your mind and by adressing the issue sooner it probably wouldn´t end up so badly.

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This isn't about hope, it's about dropping your view of yourself as Mom's child, and adopting the adult role of her equal, instead. Use adult discretion in your own choices, such as how much info you want to give Mom if she'll use it as ammunition, AND, be firm with how much of your valuable time you will give to your Mom if she misbehaves.

The turning point with my Mom was the day I hugged her and told her kindly, "Mom, I love you, and you have a choice to make. If the price of doing business with you will be criticism, then you will see a lot less of me, not more. You get to decide whether you can offer me the same mutual respect you'd offer any other adult, or not."

Then leave it alone. Best to say it when you're already on your way out, so you won't stick around for argument. If her response it to attempt argument, don't play. Just back up your talk with a walk away, and tell her that she's welcome to contact you when she's willing to be nice.

This is the adult version of sending Mom to her room--except you're the one who leaves.

Head high, and welcome to adulthood.

I assume you have used this method, may I know how things went after?

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

As difficult as it is stop mentioning your girlfriend to your mother and don’t introduce. Is the hostility also because you are both female ?

I don't think it is, she has never mentioned anything about it.

I (26F) have been with my GF (23F) for two years, everything is great  in our relationship, we are comitted to get married, have a family, and all that.

But my mother (63) doesn't like her, and has never liked any girl I have been in a relationship with, no matter what, doesn't like her family either, no matter how welcoming they are, she (my mother) will always find something offensive about what they say or do, for example, when I was going to meet her family, her only advice was: "don't let them humilliate you just because they are rich".

My mother doesn't really know my girlfriend, and she doesn't try to know her, she just makes things up to prove herself right.

As I loose hope, I feel like I also lose the desire for the two of them to spend time together and get to know each other, because I feel that I can already know that my mother is going to tell me something that she doesn't like about my girlfriend and we are going to end up arguing about it, she will tell me that I would rather take the side of a stranger than hers, we will both cry, and everything will be worst than it was.

I know this because it has happened before and things only have escalated to this point were I have had to ask for advice.

So here I´m, asking you for any advice you can give me.