nick777

Lisa, thanks for replying. She is a special woman, definitely. Forgiving, I dont know about that, I guess time will tell. I think she tends to hold grudges, but is brave. As for why I did it, its so nebulous its difficult to point to any one particular thing, but I think there were many factors, such as; a general fear of being with one person permanently (I see no point in dating someone I wouldnt ever consider marrying), my family history of cheating (goes back at least 2 generations before me) didnt help me learn how a good relationship works - its difficult to teach yourself with no help, feelings of extreme depression that have led me to be harmful to myself in many ways over the years (masochism of many types), anxiety problems, and more. Not that Im nuts or anything, I manage quite well, but it is a struggle. It manifested itself as a very strong urge at times, and when I was in a completely depressed state, it overtook me and made me think that I needed to do it for some reason; quite compulsively. However, it was not enjoyable, and I fully knew that I had reached rock bottom the last time. I started seeking help not just for her and our relationship, but for my mental well being as well. But I digress. Hope I kinda explained it anyway...

OK, Im a man of 24. Ive dated a girl for 4 years, who broke up with me 3 months ago. I cheated on her with people in the first few months of our relationship. Another time, she cheated on me after we got together after a 4 month or so breakup. 3 months ago, I became seriously depressed and masochistic, broke up with her and was with another girl. I had no interest in this other girl. I feel horrible. After the first times, I told her about it, and tried to will myself to stop. A month later, it happened again. I had problems with this issue for a long time, even after that, as I felt trapped in the relationship, although I loved my girlfriend very much. I struggled nearly every day to try to solve this problem for myself. She recommended that I seek counseling, but I did not take counseling because I had seen counselors for other reasons in the past, and all of them either did not help me or made things worse, putting me on drugs instead of helping. 3 months ago, she broke up with me after I told her about the issue with the other girl after we broke up. Although not technically cheating, she felt that it was cheating. I also feel that it was very wrong since I still loved her very much, but had serious issues. I resolved to seek help outside of myself, take counseling, start going to the gym, and taking yoga classes and meditate more to help. I realized that I could not solve the problem by sheer willpower alone. I have been seeing a counselor for about 2 months or so now. It has worked amazingly well, and I have sorted out many problems that I had. I no longer feel that I will cheat on my girlfriend, if she by some miracle, takes me back. But Im seriously doubting that she will. I also took a trip to see my father, who I had not seen in years and cheated on my mom, which always bothered me. I see that he had worked past his problems and that they were temporary, and that he is a better person than before. Even old people can change! I love this woman very much, and I do want to marry her. I feel that I can now that I know I will not cheat on her again, or even do anything like what happened 3 months ago. She has said before that she never wanted to talk to me again when she got mad. I dont think this is true, because she calls me still. I try not to call her so that I can give her some space. I always was open and honest about when things happened because I truly did not like doing what I did and wanted sincerely to stop. I guess we are just being friends right now, but I really dont know whats going on because she does not communicate very openly, only when we have arguments. At those times, Im not sure what to believe because she is mad. So, I would like to know what to do about this now. It does seem like the ball is entirely in her court and that I have done and am doing everything that I can now. That is quite disempowering and I feel at her mercy. I know that she does love me, Im just hoping that she can forgive this one last time so that we can take the next step forward. However, I do not expect this. If anyone has any questions, comments, observations, or suggestions, I would appreciate them, no matter what they are. Please try to be constructive though. I know Ive done horrible things already. Thanks for reading this. If you dont want to post her, email me at email removed or Zmarvelous1 on AIM. Thanks for reading this. nick777