confusedashell

Nuts? Thats probably an understatement!

Well heres the much anticipated update:

I demanded the divorce like I said and she got really odd about the whole thing: "divorce?? but..but its YOU...i cant...i cant ever imagine that i will feel for another person like i do you...i cant..i need to talk to someone". in the end we were going to her fathers and i said "I will print off the forms now and we can drop them in on the way back down". Well it didnt go down well..."why do we need to get divorced?? we'll end up back together later". all that BS. I said nope, its either in or out..which is it? She knows that regardless of what happens, I'm going back to the UK for awhile with my son so she gets her space. She wants to stay together and take it "slow" (whatever that means after marriage and kids). No sleeping around (she claims this was never part of her agenda, that I was the one who came up with that sleeping around idea..go figure!).

Well I dont know. Its akward at best now because I feel like she just doesnt have the bottle to get a divorce and is staying around for no other reason. I dont think it'll last the next two months unless she starts to put something into it. One things for sure, the next time its over, I'll be doing the break up when I give her the divorce paper and say "sign that please".

Any ideas on what to do??

She hasnt told a soul. I on the other hand, told everyone. She hasnt told anyone. I think she mentioned something small to her friend and MAYEB said something to her mother. If her mother knows, she hasnt said anything to me and is acting as usual.

figure this chick out, you get a million.

See a lawyer, get the papers drawn up and serve her with them. Make sure that the lawyer understands that she is deserting you and that the papers reflect that.

 

Once that happens the reality of what is happening may hit home. Remember the divorce papers can be withdrawn if appropriate.

I've attached the forms to my email and we will go to the city to clean her fathers apartment. I'm not interested in doing that but I am interested to use his printer to print off the forms, sign them and hand them to her to sign and stick in an envelope. I've given her plently of oppturnities for "time alone", given her plently of chances to fix this, bent over backwards for her. That ends now. At least if she had treated me with some respect the last few days it might be different but her attitiude to me and the whole thing is out of control and inexcusable

I think you really need to sit down and TALK to this guy. both upfront and honest. Not forceful or desperate but just tell him how you feel. You gotta do this before things get bad and the relationship ends. In a relationship I think its very important that both people have something in their lives that is just theirs. With my "ex" wife and I she had her studies and interest in physics and I had my music. That was a place we could both go and it was OURS. You need that feeling. At least i think so. Prehaps hes got something like that.

Cheating isnt acceptable and if hes cheated before there is a chance he could do it again. But that could happen in any relationship. I had worries if my wife would cheat on me at the beginning and one day I had enough and just told myself: If shes going to cheat, shes going to cheat. theres nothing I can do to stop her. So I'm just going to relax and enjoy the time as it is now. You cant stop someone cheating but you dont need to suffer over something that may never even happen.

sneaking around behind his back is no good either. That'll create even more of an akward and tense atmosphere. Just be upfront with him.

Well I pretty much DEMANDED a divorce. Can even sort that today very easily. She is REALLY hesitant about it. saying "if you want it". No, its not what i want - its what YOU want. She says something idiotic like "I cant ever imagine feeling even the slighest for another person the way I feel for you, its you...i mean its YOU..i dont know if I can divorce you..."

Get a godamn GRIP!

I dont know what she wants from me. She seems pretty adament she does not want us to be together. The whole "love you with all my heart but now IN love with you" excuse seems to have nailed the coffin shut for me. I guess I'm trying to keep thing as civil as possible but I dont appreciate any of this. When this comes up again, I will say it like you suggested. Thank You!

I suggested she should go and talk to someone, but she doesnt feel its necessary. At some point I just have the feeling there is something she wants to say but doesnt have the bottle to say it. This was what happened a few night ago too when she called me about four times in 20mins and the final call was just her crying without saying anything really.

What did she actually say? And how much of it was about how she is treating you compared to how she feels about her?

Shes just talking about how she feels so lonely, insecure, not herself. About going out and drinking so much lately (makes her sound like she has a problem but its not that..she used be a once a month person, now its like once or twice a week). How she is tempermental and so on. And there wasnt a single thing about how she is treating me. She feels like the grounding she used to have has been taken away from her. She used be so calm and grounded and she doesnt feel like that anymore

As usual - its all about her.

Try your hardest to talk to him, talk to his family. I dont know how old you are but I know when we found out we were pregnant I was a daunting time. Its hard to grasp. Esp if, like in this case, its not a planned pregnancy. I'm sure he'll come around. Its the best thing that ever happened to me!

now she started to cry like hell because she has been so messed up the last 6-8 weeks. she feels really down, depresses, messed up..she seems to see herself how her behaviour has become irratic and her going out is a little out of control. I'm trying to be nice..but not husband nice

Two possible reasons for her behaviour in stringing you along:

 

2. She wants the freedom of being single but also wants you to stick around in Sweden so she doesn't have to have the responsibility of being a single Mom for the times when you son is with her - you are a built in babysitter.

The thing is: she knows that I will go home as fast as my son gets back. So in that end shes screwed. She has to also move to the UK for the start of next summer and move her studies there so she ends up in a far worse position.

When she goes out are you ar home with your son?

Usually, yes. But right now he is away on a small vacation with his grandmother and will not be back before Monday. He's been gone for ten days. But usually, either my son is here with me or else at one of his grandparents.

What are the other reasons why she doesn't want a relationship?

1. She "loves me but is not IN love with me". She was two weeks ago. Not anymore.

2. Feels trapped in relationships

3. Wants to focus on her studies

4. Has always felt like this. Was like this before and durning the time we were together - that she needed to live alone at some point

5. Doesnt want to feel like she has to report to anyone

6. Doesnt want to worry about something she says/does or doesnt do upsetting someone else.

thats the main reasons. there are a whole bunch of others. I tired, nothing works.

she called again this morning to tell me she was getting the bus and coming home. I dont understand though and its starting to irritate me. One of the reasons she says she doesnt want a relationship is because she feels trapped and has to "report" her moves to someone. Well I dont expect and never did expect that from her, but even when I tell her its not my concern she still does it.

I wont bother to bring it up. I think to her it is nothing. She doesnt see it as anything except calling me to say it. Theres nothing deeper or whatever in it for her.

Trying to figure out how to act around her is difficult. I'm trying to act like this is over but not trying to act like I'm indifferent to the whole thing or trying to act like I'm upset. I dont want it to be too werid with us because we do have to have so much contact.

I start to hate this woman...calls me again..almost 40mins later to ask f its still ok with me that she go to her friends place and drink. "Why the hell are you aksing me!? we're not together, we're not married..live your own life" then she says "yeah buts its you, of course I want to ask" "whh XXXX we're not even together anymore" and then she says "yeah, you say that now because you're sour at me for nt coming home" WTF! "no, I say that because thats what youve been telling me for the last two weeks".

Why the hel is she doing this?

its 5:30am now...My "wife" called me twice since she went out yesterday at 16:00. She is DRUNK as hell, which is the norm rather than anything else the last few weeks.well first call she called for some stupid reason to ask me if it was ok for me that she go to a bar i work. so i wouldget look stupid because she was so drunk. I toldher, its your life, do whatever you want, we're not even married. she made some odd remark like "we're not?" and could hear her bumming a smoke from someone and saying "im talking to my husband". the second call was now, woke me up, even more drunk, asking me if it was ok that she go to her "friends" place for awhile before she comes home. Ends the call with "I love you".

Whatever I might have done to her, if I treated her real badly (I didnt), I dont deserve this. Nobody does! I'm like a second away from smashing something to pieces! I cant believe someone would do all the crap shes doing to me and not think twice about it.

Yes it is indeed. Shes tried to be out of my way ever since. Our "talk" about our son was me talking and her saying nothing. When it comes to the crunch she'll end up telling me "I didnt agree to that". Funny how such love can start to transform into hatred.

 

I think that was an absolute filthy thing to do - to tell you that she wanted a divorce and then go away on a business trip before talking about it in an adult way.

Excatly what my "wife" did. Dropped it on me and left for her vacation with her mother and our son the very next morning. I see a pattern...

Theres something VERY wrong here mate. This is a blessing in diguise. Seems like its been You putting it all into that relationship and shes been taking. Shes caught up in a new lifestyle that doesnt include you. Something similar has happened to my wife, now ex wife. Just walk away and dont look back. You deserve a hell of a lot better. I know I do.

Trying to be the "good guy" in all this too since I dont want things all to go to hell with us later because of our son. Right now, I'm finding it VERY difficult to keep my cool and not show how hurt I am by her behaviour towards me since I'm afraid it could just lead to a lot of trouble later. Damnit, this is not easy

Its vry hard for me to understand how she changed her attitiudes on so many things in the last few months and went from what she was to what she is. of course, I mention it and she says I'm controlling or getting angry for her having fun. so I say nothing. I'm starting to believe that love is just an excuse for one person to treat another person like garbage and get away with it.

Does anyone else find it very inconsiderate that she is gone out again tonight? I brought it up today that since this has happened shes gone out more than shes stayed in. Just wont even talk much about what we will do with our son!? And when I do she gets insane. Sorry, I just think its utterly bad manners when we have unfinished business to attend to and totally incosiderate of how I feel now. Had the shoe been on the other foot I would have treated her with the respect that a person Id shared my life with for six years and have a child with deserves! I'd make it clear we are finished (divorce, no sex, no cuddling, no kissing, no i love yous, no asking her to hold me in bed) but I'd realise that she was in a country where she doesnt have many friends, that she had been sitting alone here while I was on vacation and Id realise how upset she was and I'd be there, around her so she wouldnt feel completely alone! Shes out spending all our last money, having a total great time.

Am I being unreasonable??

By acting as she has, she has given up the right to expect you to put her best interests before yours.

Thank You! That makes me feel a HELL of a lot better for just walking away. I tired, I compromised, I talked, almost pleaded but nothing is making her budge. I wanted to be able to walk away from this KNOWING I tired to fix it. Knowing there was nothing more I could have done. I'm NOT saying I was a saint in this marriage, we both messed up at times, but when the chips were down - I wanted to fix those problems. None of which were not fixable, easily.

Yes, I'm slowing coming to realise all what she is saying is either a way for her to make an exit without looking too heartless or a way to keep me on the back burner for awhile. Guess in my state, I was clinging to some hope we'd just sort this out and everything would be fine. Thats just not going to happen. I feel really hurt and disrespected with the way she is just playing with my head the last few days. Shes gone out again tonight. thats about the fourth time her and her friend have went out in the last week. Work or no work the next day. Thin that speaks volumes. When shes here she just wants to sleep. But she refuses to go to her fathers empty apartment.

one of her gripes about me now is that I do want another child and she doesnt, ever. She made a conscious decision to put career before another child. She doesnt want to go through all that again. In a lot of ways, she just hasnt matured at all. in fact I feel like she has mentally regressed in so many ways. Its fustrating. She has tunnel vision on her studies and career. Nothing else seems to be of any relavance. Including her marriage. I dont ever expect someone to stay together just for the sake of a child. But I do expect that you fight tooth and nail to save a marriage when a child is involved. Esp since in our situation our child will be bounced around from one country to the next every month for the next 9 months.

You are absolutly right on all counts! My choice to get the papers are kind like a "do or die" thing. She'll see that I'm not willing to be kept "on hold". In all honesty, like you said, it all depends on why she wants to have her alone time. If its alone time to sort herself out and in the end give us a stronger relationship, thats one thing. But if its just an excuse to sleep around while keeping me at the sideline "just incase" then thats not ok and really insulting to me! I dont understand how you can tell someone: "I dont want to be together, I love you but I'm not IN love with you" and then say "if i want a relationship later, I want it with you". Both things say the opposite of eachother. I do believe her that she wants time on her own. It's always come up with us that she wished she had time to live alone and do her own thing. She's mentioned it over the years.

If I tell her I think this is about her just wanting to be able to party and sleep around she goes beserk. Says something to the effect of "is that how you see me?? is that what you think this is about??". well, ok. I have to take her word for it. But the chances of her and me getting back together are slim to none. Its a far more likely senario that she finds someone and something "new and exciting" than going back to the framiliar which had problems of its own (nothing big, typical family things). I dont think my male ego could accept my wife, err..ex wife, moving on to someone new!

The problem is, we both made a deal awhile ago and renewed it that wed never have children with another person because we both feel that we dont want our son to have half brothers and sisters. That will be problematic in the future for us both if we dont get back together because in our age most people will want to have kids already. Its all a real messed up situation.

Desmond, sound advice mate. My friend called me and when I was telling him the story he asked would I take her back if she came home now and said it. Well I wouldnt. Theres some things she said that nailed the coffin shut for me. at least until I am able to get distance from this whole thing. He asked if in a year I'd take her back. I really dont know if I could. I love her, really do love her and do want to be with her but if she has used all this as an excuse to sleep around, party and check out the singles scene then I dont think I could take that kind of disrespect. Shed have to do a lot of convincing.

I told her she better make certain this is what she wants and that this is something she will not later regret. She said she wont regret it. Fine by me. Stay at your fathers then. She makes excuses not to go there. If I'm lying on the sofa or in bed she comes in and lies on me. If shes in bed and I come in to the room to get something she asks me to come and lie with her. She told me today that she loves sex so much with me she has to have it all the time. Kissing all the time. The hugs are NOT friendly hugs. You dont hug someone around their neck and kiss their neck when thats the way it is. Hell, I'm taller than her, she has to reach way up. But she says this is over and she wont change her mind. Fine.