Hi all, this is my first post, so I apologize in advance for the length, but I figure you sorta have to know all the background information to be able to help me out with this one. Alright, in the 9th grade I was extremely attracted to my best friend's (Jess) sister's (Lindsey) friend, Ryan. He was in the 12th grade, so obviously I had the reality check coming my way that it would never happen because he was so much older than me. Little did I know though, that he had been attracted to me ever since he had seen me the year before. Well this just worked out perfectly. My parents went away to Mexico and I decided to have a party at my house, so I invited a few of my friends, and then all of Lindsey's friends as well. This wasn't really an old thing since I had hung out with the grade 12's a lot before...I've never really connected with people my age...I mean I have a lot of friends that are my age, but I get along better with people that are older than me. Regardless, Ryan showed up. Immediately, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. By the end of the night, we knew we were going to be together. So we started going out on December 11, 1998. We spent a lot of time together that year, but never too much to suffocate each other, it was the perfect relationship, we always had time for our friends, but never went a week without being together at least twice. I even went to grad with him that year, and that was definitely an experience...not too many girls in grade 9 go to prom...but it was fun anyways, we had a great time. During that year I had also become really close to his family, his mom and I talked all the time and she even came to me when things with Ryan were going haywire in the family, his dad and I get along great too, and then there's Ryan's sister, it's quite amusing 'cause her and I look quite similar, we both have curly brown hair, high cheekbones, and we dress similar too, we just have different color eyes, so people always mistake us for sisters when we would go shopping or whatever, and we always had a great time with it. I also got to know Ryan's extended family very well, I never missed a family function and I was always made to feel welcomed and like I belonged there. Then Ryan graduated and he decided to take a year off school, so he worked during the day and I would go to school, and then we would spend the afternoon-evenings together. I always hung out with his friends and it was just like a huge group, we always had a blast. Then came my grade 11 year. Ryan went off to school about an hour away from where we lived. So he moved away from me. This didn't matter to either one of us, we were so in love. We kept up a long distance relationship. He would try to come home some weekends, or seeing as how I got my drivers liscence that year, my parents would let me drive out and stay there for the weekend with him. It was amazing just being able to be away from family and friends and just be with the one guy I loved. So we survived the long distance thing perfectly, and the next year Ryan came back home to work. So I was in grade 12, my baby was home...I couldn't have asked for a better year. We were growing closer and closer and had talked a million times about him moving out with me come September because I was going to go away for University the next year. Everything was seeming to go according to plan! So grade 12 came and went, grad was awesome, and Ryan was there with me through the whole thing. And that summer, things started to shift. We weren't spending quite as much time together, not that we had lost the closeness, just the burning desire to always be around each other, and a girl from school and I became best friends and were always together anyway, so maybe it was me that didn't make enough time for Ryan...I'm not really sure. Regardless, come September, Ryan didn't move out with me like we had been dreaming about. I moved into res at the University and started in my courses. I would be in school Monday to Friday and then come home for the weekends to work and to see my family and friends. Though this never really left me enough time to work on my relationship and friendships. I would come home Friday night and be wanting to see Ryan...then I worked 9-5 on Sat and see Nicole, then work 9-5 on Sunday and then go back to school 'cause I had class early on Monday morning. But one day a week definitely was not enough for either Ryan or Nicole (the new best friend)...This started to create mini fights between the three of us about how I was dividing my time and it was driving me crazy. I only had two days a week at home, and there was nothing I could do about that. So Ryan and I started slipping away gradually, then come October, I was panicking about exams coming up and I would just come home on the weekends, work and study and I had no time for anyone, so the middle of October, Ryan and I broke up (this was two months shy of 4 years together!!). The December came alone, and we passed the 11th, and I was miserable. I couldn't stand not having him in my life, but he was hurt by the fact that I hadn't been making enough time for him before, and he was reluctant to jump back into that. Which I completely understand, I know I hurt him, but I apologized profusely and there really wasn't anything more I could do. Then January came around, and Ryan started missing me as much as I was missing him, so we started hanging out again. Not as boyfriend/girlfriend, but as friends. But that wasn't enough for either one of us, it never had been, so we started sleeping together again. This brought us a little bit closer, we were both happier, and we saw each other all the time, but Ryan was never ready to commit to us being back in a relationship. So this went on for another two months, but I started to be miserable again. We had this amazing relationship before and it basically boiled down to friends with benefits. And that's completely NOT what I wanted, it was never what he was supposed to be to me, it just wasn't right. So I told him how I felt, that I wanted to be with him, and that I couldn't take the limbo position I was in. And his only answer to this was that he wasn't ready to be back together again. But I still can't understand what he's not ready for, he's not seeing other girls, it's not like I would restrict him from his friends 'cause I'm hardly ever home anyways, I'm always out at school. I can't see anything that can possibly hold him back. And he still tells me he loves me, and I know he can't lie about that, I would definitely be able to tell if he was lying to me. And we both still agree that we will be together again in the future, we know we were meant to be together, he just says not right now. But I'm at the point where I'm getting tired of waiting for him to change his mind. But at the same time, I absolutely need this guy in my life, he is my life, he's everything I stand for. I had a friend tell me to take a good look at myself while I was single and discover what it is that makes me me, and I honestly didn't like what I found. I have been growing within a "we" for the last 4 years of my life, I wasn't designed to be an "I". He is the other half of my soul, and I feel like it's ripped away when he's not near me. So I can't stand to have him as just a friend with benefits, that doesn't work for me, but I also can't stand to not have him in my life, and if friends with benefits is all he can offer does that mean that's what I have to settle for if I want to be around him? He still agrees with me that we will be together in the future, but how much am I letting him hurt me in the mean time? I don't know. I love this guy with all my heart, I always have, but it's killing me to be near him but yet so far away from the level we used to be at. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do...I NEED YOUR HELP!!! Any advice would be so greatly appreciated...if you got to the end of this post, you already deserve a huge congratulations! lol...thanks so much guys!
Dee
