UnderTheTahitianMoon

well the thing is, we've been friends all along so logically, of course i can just be friends!! i love him a lot. maybe this love that im feeling is the love of a good friend. whatever. i think i feel this way because never before have i had such an intense friendship with someone. never before have i felt so connected on so many levels with someone.

hey everyone! im currently battling this situation. please bear with me as i attempt to make this as painless as possible ... theres a lot of details ... summer 1998 - i initially meet thomas through my then boyfriend doug. all the guys i know from their town would all come up to my dads house and swim in the pool that summer. i remember how thomas caught my eye and i was immediately attracted to him and vice versa but nothing happened. we hung out as a group many times that summer and into the next school year. doug and i break up in november 1998, get back together in december 1998, break up in february 1999, get back together in april 1999 and break up for good in june 1999, yet we remain really good friends. thomas and i continue to talk every once in a while through the next school year ... summer 1999 - i went to a party at dougs house one night during the summer. thomas showed up with a couple other people and we started to flirt and catch up on old times. well, he says to me "can i talk to you in the other room?" and as i sat down on dougs bed, i asked him "what did you have to talk ..." im immediately cut off and thomas lays this huge kiss on me. we make out for a while and it was so great. people start to filter into dougs room and our moments gone, even though we flirt heavily that night, that was the extent of our contact. we stay in touch all summer long, and through the next school year. thomas dates other girls, and i date other guys. we get closer, and start talking on the phone every once in a while. we stay in contact through email mainly the next year. we finally are single at the same time for like two seconds which leads to ... november 1999 - one night we all go to a huge party at dougs house. as thomas and i were sitting on the floor, passing a bottle of jack back and forth when he says to me "wanna go get some taco bell?" i look at him and say, "yeah sure i guess" even though it sounded totally gross, being with thomas would have been great. we get into his grand prix and he turns to me and says "we're not really going to taco bell, youre going to give me a (use your imagination)"i laugh but then i realize hes serious. we pull infront of this old warehouse thing and just go at it. we make out like theres no tomorrow and later, we went back to the party acting like nothing happened but we were glowing. it was crazy. well, we stay in touch till the next time ... february 2000 to april 2001 - i was dating a guy named jeremy so nothing happened with thomas, even though we hung out everyonce in a while at random parties and what not. summer 2001 - we party together all summer long and stay in touch through the next school year october 2001 - theres a huge party at doug and grants. doug drove two hours to come and picked me up from college. i made sure i looked extra cute cause i really thought doug and i were going to get back together. anyway, that doesnt wind up happening, but the party goes on and thomas stops by of course. we wind up making out a while, no big surprise, and of course, stay in touch afterwards. november 2001 - i start dating jake march 2002 - its our mutual friend joe's 21st birthday and of course that means HUGE PARTY. doug comes to pick me up again at school. jake and i had a slight falling out and i wound up being single for about two weeks in march, coincidentally around the same time as the party. well, that night, thomas makes me this drink called "the tom and swope (another guy we all hang with) speciality". i down three huge glasses of it and when i stand up its like WHAM! im drunk. doug meets this chick at the party and has intentions of not letting me stay at his house cause he doenst want me to "blow my chances of getting some" thomas invites me to stay at his house. thomas invites me into his room, and we make out like demons for the rest of the night. i think we wound up having sex that night. being kind of tipsy, i cant remember. i leave the next day with another encounter lined up for the next weekend. march 2002 - i went to see thomas the next weekend. we had a great time, partied with swope and some other people i didnt know and got drunk. messed around AGAIN. april 2002 - got back together with jake, still talking to thomas every chance i get. nothing happens for another 2 years cause i was with jake. thomas was busy dating a select few women anyway. may 2004 - jake and i break up and i move to california. i offered to fly thomas out to spend time with me. we had a hard time arranging a time that would work out. by the time we did, i was with another guy. thomas never came out to see me. september 2004 - i came back to kansas city. thomas and i start talking and spending time together again december 2004 - during a particulary bad night, i went down to visit thomas. that night, we went to the woods, looked at the stars, held hands in the woods and kissed a couple times. the magic begins again. late january 2005 - i went down to see thomas. wound up getting really drunk and being really sloppy that night. thomas was there to catch me and carry me out of the bar. it was awfully embarrassing. later that night, in my drunken state, i wound up telling thomas that i loved him. he says he loves me too. the next morning, i felt horrendous and wondered what would be said about the whole i love you thing. i apologized for telling him that, and he corrects me and says that deep inside, he does love me very much. however, hes not at the point where he wants a relationship. that morning, we still mess around a bit. we said our goodbyes and stay in touches. february 2005 - present ... dont know what brought on the change, but thomas and i have been hanging out more than ever since i got back from california. basically i see him every weekend and sometimes during the week too. when we get together, we always mess around. always. it never fails. we talk every night on the phone for about an hour and things have really changed from a party buddy to being the best of friends. we have so much fun together, and life just seems so flawless when hes around. its like we've always gotten along, but we didnt know the depth of what could be. i thought for sure we'd start a relationship but it doesnt seem thats what he wants. one night at dinner i bring up why hes so reluctant to date me. this is what he tells me: "i dont see a relationship with you. ive tried because for the longest time now, and we're talking the last seven years, ive wanted so badly to love you like that ... just because i dont see a relationship with you means i care about you any less ... i love you in a completely different way than anyone ive ever loved before ... youre a beautiful girl inside and out ... i just dont see us being together. i dont know why. its not like theres this huge warning sign that says youre undateable for (fill in the blank) reason ... its probably all me ... i know you want a relationship which is why i dont understand when you dont put out sometimes. are you trying to protect yourself? i wont ever hurt you chris ... i know for a fact if you got in a relationship with someone it would be very difficult for me to accept. more so than it has been in the past time because this time, i would be jealous of him. the hardest part to say goodbye to would be not talking to you as much. i would miss that, oh god, so much. but ill be honest with you, when i dont talk to you before i go to bed, i cant sleep." and something inside begins to hurt. i write the following to him. it reads in part: "i tried to love you like that because for the longest time, i wanted to feel that for you. thats what you tell me. in my head im telling you the opposite. i tried to love you strictly as the best friend you wanted me to be but i cant. i just dont see you like that. id love to know that theres some semblance of a future. beyond best friends, the only future you see for us. and that is by no means a bad thing. im so lucky to have you as a good friend. and im fortunate to have you see me in the same way. its just hard to not get my hopes up, thinking that one day youll change your mind. unless you see me in all the ways youre either too proud to admit to, or plain and simple not feeling for me, i dont know, maybe there shouldnt be the intimacy. however, in my heart of hearts, i know ill never say this to you. ill never be able to quit you. ive tried but failed. youre so very important to me. i dont want to lose you. afterall, maybe you really feel that way. just best friends. forever. maybe youre trying to convince yourself of what you feel. while running away from the truth. maybe youre holding back because youve been hurt before. because youre afraid of getting hurt again. maybe your heart isnt with me 100 percent. intentional? unintentional? who knows. only you. maybe im not good enough for you. maybe im not pretty enough. maybe im not what youre used to dating. why do you insist on shutting me out in that way. i wish youd give "us" a chance. not like much would change. we get along great. we can talk about anything. theres trust. honesty. laughter. communication. value. respect. topped off with the physical. sounds like a great foundation to a lasting relationship. now you tell me, what would change. i love you more than i ever found the words to say to you." i guess my question is now what ... where do i go from there? whats up with his behavior?